The two parties are playing chicken with the presidential election 

Like playing a game of "electoral chicken," the two parties appear determined to run their worst possible candidates, each in a calculation that the awfulness of the opposite party's candidate will force voters to support their own otherwise unelectable candidate. Even for an electorate long resigned to having to vote for the lesser of evils, this will be a new low.

On one hand, we have Donald Trump, a blustering, bouffanted bully without a mute button or even the ability to apply just a modicum of thought what he is saying, who can be counted upon to disgorge the unfiltered contents of his primal id at any opportunity. He is now doubly aggrieved and enraged over his multiple prosecutions, and the humiliation of his forced court appearances, bookings, and mugshots, as well as his loss in 2020.

On the other hand, we have Joe Biden, a gibbering, withered husk of a man who is rapidly failing right before our eyes, and is being controlled like a marionette by unseen party operatives. Even when younger and more alert, Biden was well known for his gift for long, crazy rambling monologues unattached to any reality, but delivered with feeling, certitude, folksy bromides, and the inevitable, "Here's the deal, folks ... ." Now, we can expect more apropos of nothing references to "dog-faced pony soldiers," "CornPop," and "God save the queen, man!" and an eagerness to pander to any identity group, real or hallucinated, who might offer him votes or money.

Both campaigns will be appalling. The Democratic campaign is going to resemble the movie Weekend at Bernie's as Biden is dragged around to his various appearances by his frantic handlers, who will attempt to prop him up in reasonably lifelike poses. For speaking appearances, perhaps they will obtain the services of a skilled ventriloquist who, with Biden perched Charlie McCarthy-like upon his lap, will deliver inspirational platitudes for Joe. Is Jeff Dunham available?

To the extent that he understands where he is, and what he was doing, Joe will yearn for the halcyon days of the 2020 election, back when he was able to hide in his basement and eat his ice cream in peace, and have his handlers filter out the crazier things he came up with.

The Trump campaign will offer us a wallow in victimization as he describes his crucifixion and suffering on the cross, while mocked and taunted by the high priests and Roman legions of the deep state and media. His appearance schedule will be kept secret to avoid ambushes by process servers, unpaid former lawyers, and blackmailing porn stars.

The debates will be both bizarre and strangely riveting, and have absolutely no chance of ever being compared to presidential encounters like the Lincoln-Douglas debates. They are more likely to resemble the election of class officers at a lunatic asylum, or to evoke a Three Stooges routine. Watch for Trump to play the bully role of Moe by administering eye pokes and head slaps, while a confused, Shemp-like Biden receives the abuse with an occasional yelp of pain and dismay. Will Trump reprise his performance from his debate with Hillary where he stalked about the stage muttering, and even take it to the point of jumping Biden and putting him in a headlock or a full nelson? Will the lack of a teleprompter leave Joe frozen and staring ahead blankly, with his cerebral computer apparently stuck in buffering mode?

Following long political tradition, the candidate's family will be showcased, but with the added twist that the attention will primarily involve fervent denials of their criminality. Joe will offer a moving account of Hunter's recovery and redemption, and he'll glow in paternal pride at his son's obvious business savvy in amassing a substantial fortune through sheer pluck and determination. Depending upon the audience and region, Joe may even offer his long-denied intervention in Hunter's firearms prosecution as proof of his long-held support for gun rights.

Trump will beam with paternal pride as he describes Eric's and Don Jr.'s glorious "pulling themselves up by the bootstraps" successes building Scottish golf links and in dealings with foreign potentates in Saudi Arabia, noting that they obviously inherited their father's dazzling business acumen.

Like most presidential campaigns, this one will feature no shortage of promises. Trump will promise to single-handedly seal the border, to bitch-slap China, to fling the woke into an active volcano, and to give us a fabulous!! really tremendous!! best ever!! economy.

Biden will promise to let every Democratic voter have 15 minutes to run through the U.S. Treasury with a shopping cart gathering as much of our national wealth as they can roll out, to forgive everyone's credit card bills, and to buy them all a new iPhone. He will then promise appointments in his administration to every identity group with more than 14 members.

By the time that Nov. 5, 2024, rolls around, I imagine that I will probably be researching applying for asylum in Antarctica. Δ

John Donegan is a retired attorney in Pismo Beach who frequently finds himself keening loudly during the evening news. Respond with an opinion of your own by emailing it to [email protected].