Spay a ho, neuter a bro 

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Can we, just once, drop the self-deprecating jokes about my alcoholism, the fact that just about everyone is unfit to procreate, and abandon the mass delusion that Lady Gaga’s presence on the Central Coast is the most important thing that’s ever happened? No?

All right, for the record: I’m obviously an alcoholic, most of the people I’ve met are unfit to procreate, and Lady Gaga’s presence on the Central Coast is the most important thing that’s happened. Ever. If you don’t believe me, just ask KSBY and the Trib. And we’ll touch on that middle point a lot in today’s column.

But first, you should know that while you were plotting a trip to Hearst Castle to “bump into” one of the most popular of pop stars today, Cal Poly’s Mustang News ran an editorial titled “Parties During Probation Hint at Challenges Ahead for New Greek Life Policies” by Sean McMinn. The article was a fairly rational, even-handed account of how fraternities and sororities reacted to the university’s ban on parties: They partied. The reaction in the comments section was, well, I would like to pretend that it wasn’t indicative of the attitudes or literacy level of the university’s student body, but I’m beginning to believe otherwise. 

I’m not looking to beat a Mustang to death here, but I do have to wonder about Cal Poly’s admissions criteria. For every Sean McMinn fairly and rationally pointing out that the administration’s no-party sanctions failed, there are dozens of students criticizing such dialogue with witty comebacks including:

“Apparently someone is butt hurt about not getting a bid…” said Tatro.

“youre a fucking faggot” said Guest.

“I usually like reading Mustang News but this is just disgusting. It seems that you guys are targeting Greek life which obviously has seen enough punishment and public humiliation. Change the subject before you make us all sick,” said Blake.

Funny Blake should bring up the subject of making us all sick. You see, when some old NIMBY fogey rails against the existence of downtown bars, a nightlife, and people younger than 50 not being kept in cages, I’m the first to call baloney. I’m happy to share my home with students; generally, I appreciate the infusion of youth, energy, and creativity into the community. But you can’t expect me to just sit here and watch my home invaded by gangrenous little brutes without knocking some empty heads together.

Let’s review the facts: Several Cal Poly “Greek” organizations humiliated themselves and the university by throwing a “Colonial Bros and Nava-Hos” themed party, making the entire college a national laughingstock. (And rightfully so, since the purpose of a college is to educate, and the party theme essentially revealed how classless and uninspired the students behind it truly are.)

Cal Poly imposed sanctions on the Greek organizations after failing to come to an agreement with them on a different issue. Fraternities and sororities balked at the sanctions and essentially continued partying—not even bothering to keep their shenanigans under the radar while they were in trouble. A Mustang News editor called them out on this, and the response is to call a journalist a faggot? It’s not often that I get to feel superior to an individual, much less an institution, but I gotta say, I feel like the freaking Dalai Lama compared to the racist twerps who are too busy whining to apologize for making their university look really bad and advocate bullying a journalist for pointing out what is blatantly obvious to the rest of us, and in a manner and tone that was infinitely more respectful than many of Cal Poly’s Greek organizations deserve.

I would harp on the knee-jerk homophobia, but it’s not even worth pointing out, because a clubhouse of spoiled kids whose only ambition in college is to get wasted on Jell-O shots—like, OMG, aren’t the lime-flavored ones totally the best?—and hump one another, having already revealed themselves to be sexist and racist, would logically flesh out their impressively distasteful résumé with an uninspired homophobic chaser. We’re talking about a group of college students that couldn’t come up with a better rhyme scheme than “bros” and “hos,” so I wasn’t expecting terribly original biases—but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t hoping.

At this point, I have an—ahem—modest proposal: If Cal Poly’s willing to overlook the obvious human rights violation and consider a spay and neuter program for select fraternities and sororities—not everyone, mind you, just the jewels in the trashy crown—I’m prepared to set up a Kickstarter campaign to fund the medical expenses. And for those of you huffing in outrage about the fact that it’s blatantly wrong to deprive someone the opportunity to create new little versions of themselves, consider the damage a small group of ignorant partiers has inflicted on a single university, then imagine that humiliation magnified to encompass the entire country.

Oh, I’m sorry. Was that too far? Make it voluntary. Offer free beer. I’m sure you’ll get takers.

Shredder and Bob Barker advocate spaying and neutering. Send cash to [email protected].