Shredder smash! Raaawr! 

Miley Cyrus is getting too scandalous in my opinion. While I’m on the gossip kick, I really hope Lindsay Lohan cleans up her life. That is all. I’m a little devoid of real controversy. It’s just one of those weeks, I s’pose. My attempts to squeeze some juicy local controversy out of the staff here—a process that involves me hanging over desks with a quivering lip on my puppy dog face—came up dry. All I got was a bunch of celebrity gossip and some peeved coworkers, like that employee who just had her water shut off by the city because she didn’t shell out $30 in late fees on her water bill. Come to think of it, that’s enough to curdle my blood a little. I don’t have any exact figures, but it seems like SLO is pumping money wherever it sees a small trickle of finances to patch up its cracking dam.

Outside of that, what I’ve got isn’t exactly worthy of controversy, just your run-of-the-mill local silliness. May I direct your attention to Capt. Ian Parkinson, the SLO Sheriff golden boy with the good looks and Joe Everyman persona. His latest political stunt—no doubt cooked up by local campaign puppet master Cory Black—has Parkinson sitting down in a four-part interview series on You Tube with Lou Ferrigno, aka, The Hulk. You wouldn’t want to see him angry.

   In this crappily shot video with even crappier audio, the Hulkster chats with Parkinson for about 20 minutes. And don’t even try to figure out why someone thought this was a good idea, or even why someone had this idea. Your brain might melt, or pack its bags and head off for saner climates. It wasn’t just Ferrigno’s eerily well-sculpted forearms that had me scratching my noodle over this one, but just the sheer … um … what’s the word? Holy crappery of this whole situation.

About the only reasons I can figure out for why Ferrigno is interviewing our local sheriff candidate are that he owns a home here, he’s vaguely recognizable as a celebrity, and he and Parkinson are wearing cutesy matching outfits. Just check it out for yourself by searching “Ian Parkinson” and “Lou Ferrigno.” Once you’re done, maybe try looking up some goofy animal videos so you can spend a few minutes watching something with more relevance to this election than the Parkinson-Ferrigno chitchat.

So moving on. Wait, screw that. There’s no moving on here. Which nitwit concocted this mad science brew of campaign showboating? The real pisser is that the discussion is borderline interesting, but the whole time watching it I can’t help but think, “Why is The Hulk interviewing a candidate for sheriff? Am I still high?”

Perhaps the silliest moment comes at the very end when Ferrigno extends his sinewy arm in a conciliatory handshake.

“Good luck,” Ferrigno says.

“Thanks buddy,” Parkinson responds—his arms appearing downright flabby compared to his bulging counterpart. Then Parkinson shoots this geeky grin at the camera that seems to say, “Holy moley! I just got interviewed by The Hulk!”

RAAAAAAAAR! HULK SMASH! AND SHREDDER … meekishly pokes fun from afar. Please don’t rip me in half, Lou.

How about another tidbit?

If the bubbling cauldron of crazy that is Los Osos wasn’t frothing over before, it sure is now. Just listen and you may hear the faint sound of townspeople there collectively making farting sounds in protest. It’s kind of like when you hold a sea shell up to your ear to hear the ocean, but way ickier.

With the project slowly squeezing out to completion, you can almost taste the desperation. The latest factoid that got shipped my way—because the reporters are so jaded by covering this thing they’re firing boredom out of both ends—is about world-class scumbag and New Orleans water board director Benjamin Edwards Sr. who’s being indicted for 33 counts of varying degrees of malfeasance in connection to a sewer project: tax evasion, money laundering, extortion … this guy needs to take a class in originality. You may be asking why this is relevant to the Los Osos debacle. Well, my barely interested friend, Edwards was playing conspiratorial footsie with a couple of companies, including Montgomery Watson Harza, a household name for your average Los Osan.

Most people over there open their mouths to say “bid rigging” more often than they breathe. But there’s really no proof. There are, however, wastewater bucket loads of iffyness as to why the county has such a thing for MWH: the company at the top of the list for nearly every contract on a project that’s now hovering around $189 million—and the smart money says will continue to rise. ∆

The Shredder’s tids should be bittier next week. Send your bits to [email protected].