Send in the clowns 

I totally get Republicans and their suspicions of election fraud. Really, I do. They're so sure their ideas are superior and held by the majority that they simply can't conceive of there being enough liberal voters to beat their candidates and policies in a fair race. I get them because I was them.

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In 2016, when Donald Trump became U.S. president, I thought, "Surely there aren't enough backwards, ignorant, sycophantic, knuckle-dragging troglodytes in America to elect this sexist, racist, xenophobic, anti-intellectual Oompa Loompa to the highest office."

Technically, it turns out I was correct. If it wasn't for the outdated, unnecessary, and unfair Electoral College system, Hillary Clinton would have been president with her extra 3 million popular votes, but I believe in democracy and accepted that tRump was the legitimate president.

Now if only Republicans could realize that America's voters have rejected their election denialism, their voter fraud nonsense, and their anti-government rhetoric, maybe they could decide whether they want to adjust their ideology to gain more of the electorate or if they, you know, would rather cling dogmatically to their failed ideas and drift into complete irrelevance.

I know what the Republican Party of San Luis Obispo (RPSLO) has decided to do. On their Facebook page, their updated cover photo is a Fox News shot of tRump announcing his 2024 presidential run. Maybe they haven't heard the horrible wheezing sound emanating from the dying MAGA movement or noticed a tRump endorsement is the kiss of death.

If you need a few laughs, scroll down the RPSLO feed. They reposted a meme that reads "PENNSYLVANIA VOTERS REELECT DEAD DEMOCRAT STATE REPRESENTATIVE" under the comment "What is going on in PA!!"

I guess what's going on is Pennsylvania voters prefer a dead Democrat over a living Republican. State Rep. Tony DeLuca died a month before the election, but his name was already printed on the ballot. It's not a conspiracy, and tinfoil looks weird on your head.

Also, cue paranoia with this RPSLO post: "Although more ballots remain to be counted, some have manifested which are clearly a mistake. Darcia Stebbens tells KPRL several people in the North County received primary election ballots in October. If you receive a ballot which was not a general election ballot, you're advised to turn it in to the Republican Party headquarters, so that Darcia can present all of them to the election office."

Huh? Stebbens was the lady who demanded a recount of the 4th District Supervisor Lynn Compton loss to Jimmy Paulding, the new supe. The recount revealed the original tabulation was 100 percent accurate.

Also on RPSLO's Facebook page is the hilarious meme depicting an older Black woman who's covered in "I Voted" stickers under the banner "Democrats leaving the polls on Election Day." Hmm. Accusing Democrats of cheating at the polls by voting more than once? I thought Dems cheated using Dominion vote tabulators and mail-in ballots. I guess your conspiracy now includes volunteer citizen poll workers cheating on Democrats' behalf. Weird that more and more people think Republicans are wacko.

Come on, RPSLO! Be original instead of just parroting all the crazy conspiracies dreamed up by the ultra-cuckoo wing of your party!

And speaking of ultra-cuckoo, Vicki "I've Been Ordained by God" Nohrden—the lady who wrote a 2008 book claiming California drought and wildfires are God's punishment for legalizing gay marriage and allowing abortion—is clearly hoping for a Christmas miracle in her race against Dawn Addis for the 30th District Assembly seat. New Times reporter Bulbul Rajagopal reached out to Nohrden for comment on her race—as reporters are wont to do.

"As per our last correspondence, you mentioned that you'd be available to comment on the AD30 race and your book after the elections concluded," Rajagopal emailed. "I understand the preliminary results are out and votes are still being updated. I'd be grateful to speak with you."

Instead of commenting on preliminary results that show her trailing Addis by more than 25 points districtwide, Nohrden scolded Rajagopal for doing her job.

"Win or lose, I believe every candidate who ran a campaign has the right to a fair and honest count of the election," Nohrden retorted, even though no one is arguing candidates shouldn't. "Maybe it's time for the media to respect the vote [boldface Nohrden's] as every vote counts, and discounting those who voted or mailed in their ballot is dishonoring.

"The counties have until Nov. 15 to receive postmarked ballots from Nov. 7 voting by mail while the media uses its platform to call races," Nohrden continued. "I believe that is both dishonoring and disrespectful. Be a leader, Bulbul, and stand up for what's right."

Hey Vicki, New Times isn't calling the election in Addis' favor, though honestly, you'd need a lot of the uncounted votes to overcome her lead. It's math, after all. Instead of rebuking a journalist who's giving you an opportunity to voice your opinion on the state of your race, why don't you be a leader and show a little grace in what appears to be your impending defeat.

I have a feeling that if you were in the lead, you might have a comment or two to share with the public about God's will. By the way, Addis already claimed victory. She apparently understands math. Δ

The Shredder mocks Republicans. Cry about it at [email protected].