Jade Helm Ghazi Gate! 

The black helicopters are coming! Walmart’s in on it! California’s named as “hostile” territory! They’re coming for your guns! It’s martial law! Internment camps! The new world order! Chuck Norris, save us! In case you haven’t heard, President Barack Hussein Obama plans to invade America beginning this summer when Operation Jade Helm 15 commences on July 15.

Seriously! Just look at the map that’s circulating on the Interwebs! It clearly shows California will contain an “Insurgent Pocket.” Other states to be “invaded” include Colorado, Nevada, New Mexico, Arizona, Texas, and Utah—the latter two, along with California, are labeled as “hostile.” Hey, anyone who’s ever driven through Southern California knows “hostile” is an understatement! 

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Sure, the military claims this is all just a “training exercise,” just a way for 1,200 members of four branches of the military, including the SEALs and Green Berets, to engage in what’s being billed as “Realistic Military Training” in towns where they’ll operate undercover and infiltrate and blend in with native populations. They’ll also practice escaping from enemy territory. Don’t take the 5! Or the 405! Avoid the 101 south of Santa Barbara!

Look, we need to take this seriously, just like 75-year-old Chuck “Dye My Hair? Why, No, Of Course Not” Norris, who’s preparing to defend his Texas ranch mostly with roundhouse kicks. The martial artist, actor, and perennial Internet meme (You don’t shred Chuck Norris; Chuck Norris shreds you!) praised Sen. Ted “I Wanna Be President” Cruz for seeing through the thinly veiled plan as much more sinister than simple military training. 

Even Louie Gohmert gets it, and much escapes the Texas Republican, who believes caribou prefer “dating” near the warm flow of oil pipelines, who credited the Aurora theater massacre to a lack of respect for God’s wrath, who claims the Obama administration is filled with Muslim Brotherhood members, and best of all, who is sure there are secret terrorist organizations in the world sending their pregnant women to America to give birth to natural-born terrorists. OK, that last one might be true, but even a broken clock is right twice a day.

Texas Gov. Greg Abbott certainly sees it coming. He knows Operation Jade Helm 15 is the first step toward martial law, after which Obama will no doubt impose socialism and Sharia Law and curfews and dress codes (Don’t make me wear pants!). Abbott’s directed the Texas State Guard to “monitor” the training exercise. Hey Jerry Brown, get it together! Deploy the California National Guard! Call Hanoi Jane Fonda! Texas has got Chuck Norris on this. Let’s get Arnold Schwartzenegger, Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis, and Mr. T on our side! Call in The Expendables and The A-Team!

I guess we should have seen it coming. Between the militarization of the police and the fomentation of unrest in places like Ferguson, Baltimore, and SLO Town (St. Fratty’s Day, anyone?), our country’s poised to explode into race riots and beer bashes. Right here in SLO, Police Chief Steve Gesell has been placed on administrative leave. There’s no one in charge! We’re ripe for an invasion!

Yes, it’s all starting to make sense now. Obama’s coddling of illegal immigrants and making pacts with Mexico is part and parcel of his plan to take over! Obama’s “undocumented worker amnesty” is a way to retain all the Central and South American mercenaries who’ve been quietly invading our country for the past six years through Obama’s weak borders. All their agriculture and service industry jobs working for low wages were a ruse! We’ve been lulled into complacency by cheap labor.

Why didn’t I listen to Alex Jones, Glenn Beck, and Mike Savage? They saw it coming and I just dismissed them as weepy, tin-foil-hat-wearing reactionaries screaming about chem-trails, outer space aliens, wars on Christians, and Obama’s Kenyan birth certificate. 

Sure, last March Army Special Operation Command spokesman Mark Lastoria claimed Jade Helm was a way to practice “covert warfare tactics and martial law,” but now he’s downplaying concerns, saying that “Jade Helm does not have anything to do with martial law. Its sole purpose is to train U.S. Special Operations Forces in their core skill sets for future use overseas.”

Nothing to see here. Move along. Texas, Utah, and California are merely stand-ins for the Middle East. “The terrain is very challenging and it’s going to make our soldiers sweat—and sweating in peacetime is what we want because it’s going to reduce the bleeding in wartime,” Lastoria said.

Don’t believe a word of it! Once Americans are used to seeing uniformed troops on the street and a militarized police force—just like in Nazi Germany!—the next step is martial law. Total control over the populace! 

Maybe the Central Coast Oathkeepers will save us. I didn’t see anything specific to Jade Helm on their website, but they do have a long list of orders they will not obey. As an office appliance that’s made a career of not obeying laws, I salute you, Oathkeepers! Now, does anyone have some tinfoil I can borrow?

The Shredder will be in his bomb shelter; the rest of you are on your own. Send ideas and comments to [email protected].