Why we can't have nice things 

When the best thing you can say is, "At least no one fell through a collapsed roof and got injured," you've set a very low bar. But the good news is, unlike in 2015, during this year's St. Fratty's Day, no roofs collapsed. What did happen is between 6,000 and 7,000 Cal Poly students and their out-of-towner pals woke up early on March 16, started pounding Rumple Minze, Jägermeister, Fireball, or whatever the college swill du jour is these days, stumbled into the neighborhoods around the university, and began making asses of themselves.

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Special shout-out to Nadia Hutchinson and Brooke Baxmim, two Poly freshmen who bragged in a video released by The Tribune that they started drinking at 2:45 a.m., "and we plan to cutoff never!" Your parents must be so proud. The gals' beverage of choice? "Vodka. Straight vodka." Classy. You know it's finals week, right?

"Dear Cal Poly Community, I'm disappointed and disgusted as I write you today about the behavior that some of our students and campus visitors displayed when they took part in early morning St. Patrick's Day partying that caused significant damage to Muir Hall and several other University Housing facilities, as well as property off campus," Cal Poly President and major scold Jeffrey D. Armstrong wrote in a March 16 afternoon email.

"I visited Muir Hall today and witnessed damage so extensive that university officials were forced to temporarily close the building and evacuate about 300 student residents in order to repair and restore fire suppression and alarm systems, clean up destruction and debris from smashed ceiling tiles and marred floors, and provide deep cleaning and air quality restoration throughout," Armstrong continued, adding there was also "widespread theft" from the university's "dining facilities and market."

"We expect our students to have fun on our campus and in our local community as part of their time at Cal Poly—this is a key element of the growth, development, and self-discovery within the university experience," Armstrong offered. "However, that does not include behavior that is destructive to property, potentially criminal in nature, or harmful to one's self [sic] or fellow community members."

Armstrong encouraged anyone reading his email who witnessed, took photos, or recorded video of bad behavior to rat the little shits out to Campus Police. I can't help but wonder why Campus Police, the San Luis Obispo Police Department, and the other law enforcement agencies patrolling this annual event haven't been able to do a better job of containing the madness. Maybe they like the overtime, so it's better to hang around the periphery and let it simmer, occasionally picking off a particularly egregious partier to smack them with "safety enhancement zone" double fines.

According to a SLOPD e-notification, law enforcement issued at least 18 noise, five unruly gathering, 99 open container, nine public urination, 24 minor in possession, three DUI, and four climbing utility pole citations. Most of these citations start at $700. Cha-ching!

"Arrest and citation records have been provided to Cal Poly Student Affairs, Office of Student Rights and Responsibilities," the report read, which "holds students accountable for off-campus criminal behavior." Looks like another case of Learn by Don'ting.

Of course, college students aren't the only ones disturbing the peace and quiet. Unincorporated county areas also suffer from noisy gatherings and amplified music. The problem is the current noise ordinance is vaguely written, hard to enforce, and essentially penalty-free.

Three Arroyo Grande area residents—Bruce Wagner and Donna and Ed Turner—became so fed up with their new neighbors' ruckus they approached 4th District Supervisor Jimmy Paulding, who said he'd also been approached by other residents to do something. In conjunction with Sheriff Ian Parkinson, code enforcement, and community members, a new ordinance will go before the SLO County Board of Supervisors on April 9 that will give law enforcement the tools it needs to keep the peace.

"I believe in conversations that I've had with code enforcement and the Sheriff's Office that they do have these similar issues throughout the county and in other districts," Paulding told New Times. "This ordinance really just gives law enforcement the ability to make a citation that will hold up in court."

If adopted, from 10 p.m. until 7 a.m., the new ordinance would ban loud music, shouting, hooting, singing, whistling, and other sounds clearly heard 100 feet from a property line. You're on notice, you loud country mo-fos. There's a new sheriff in town, and his name's Jimmy "Shh" Paulding.

Meanwhile, thanks to irresponsible campers who trampled sensitive habitats, left trash, human waste, and illegal campfire rings, the only free camp spot on the Big Sur coast—San Carpoforo Creek Beach in northern SLO County—will be closed to overnight camping for the next two years as authorities try to figure out how to rehabilitate the spot and reopen it without the same reoccurring problems.

The California Coastal Commission greenlit the decision because the beach is home to snowy plovers, and more. Loose dogs, people pooping willy-nilly, late-night partying, and illegal driftwood fires in high-risk wildfire areas were major problems for this otherwise pristine and idyllic area, proving once again, people suck. Get it together, humanity. Δ

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