Cruz missile fizzle 

God, I love America! Where else could a Latino who was born in Canada to a Cuban father who fought alongside Fidel Castro grow up to be an anti-immigration, anti-Communist, science-denying, flag-draped “Christian” American presidential candidate and same-sex marriage opponent? Nowhere, baby! ’Merica!

Ted Cruz (R-Texas) has certainly been an incredible gift to late night comedians. He actually spent part of a 21-hour filibuster in the U.S. Senate reading from the Dr. Seuss classic Green Eggs and Ham while impersonating Darth Vader. For realsies!

On Monday, June 22, Cruz spoke to about 300 fans in the Edwards Barn in Nipomo. Cruz’s wife, Heidi, grew up in SLO County, and the couple came to town to celebrate the 70th birthday of her retired dentist father Peter Nelson, but the Republican presidential candidate made time to speak to this group of potential donors and feed them some juicy right-wing red meat.

“I believe in the union of one man and one woman,” Cruz sonorously intoned to the crowd, “but I’m also a constitutionalist, and under the constitution, marriage has always been a question for the states.”

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Um, may I draw your attention to the 14th Amendment, sir? 

“No state shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States; nor shall any state deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws.”

Doesn’t Cruz’s precious belief in liberty extend to a citizen’s right to marry the person of his or her choosing? When you deny same sex couples marriage, they lose out on 1,138 federal marriage benefits. Does that sound like equal protection? Stick to reading Theodor Geisel. James Madison and George Mason are clearly too complicated for you, Teddy boy.

“We need to repeal every word of Obamacare,” said Cruz, who also admitted he’ll be signing up for insurance under Obamacare like the master hypocrite he is. “Under Obamacare alone, there are over 20,000 pages of regulations.”

Yeah, I mean laws about something as complicated as health care for a nation of more than 300 million people should fit inside a fortune cookie, right? 

“You will live a long life and pay higher taxes. Lucky Numbers: 8, 13, 19, 25, 31, 42.”

Cruz apparently thinks liberty means giving people the right to die without medical care if they can’t afford it. That’s the “Christian” thing to do, after all, and he’s a victimized Christian if ever there was one.

“Religious liberty has never been more under assault from government than it is today, and we need a new generation of patriots to stand up and say, ‘We will defend the right of every American to seek out and worship the Lord God almighty with all of our hearts, minds, and souls, free of government getting in the way,’” he said.

Does Cruz’s idea of religious liberty extend to all religions or only Christianity? Would he also fight to protect the right of every American to seek out and worship Jehovah, Allah, Hari, Ormazd, Odin, Osiris, Shangdi, and Ganesha, to say nothing of Buddha, Satan, or no god at all?

Probably not, because in Cruz’s view, only Christianity is under attack. “Christians are being systematically exterminated,” he said in an earlier speech.

By whom? And why are they so bad at it? A Pew Research Center poll in 2014 found 70.6 percent of Americans identified as Christian. This is the most ineffective extermination of all time! 

Let’s face it: Cruz has serious trouble with facts, and he continues to deny climate change is real. In an earlier speech, he claimed, “The last 15 years, there has been no recorded warming. Contrary to all the theories that they are expounding, there should have been warming over the last 15 years. It hasn’t happened.”

Sigh … actually, according to both NOAA and NASA, 2014 was the hottest year on record going back to 1880, and 13 of the 15 hottest years on record have all occurred since 2000. How’s that for a truth bomb, nitwit?

Of course, this is the guy who last winter said, “I just came back from New Hampshire where there’s snow and ice everywhere,” which to him proved there’s no global warming.

Since Cruz seems to think his powers of observation trump the 97 percent of climate scientists who believe scientific data prove climate change is real, now that he’s visited bone-dry California, is Cruz ready to admit climate change is occurring?

Cruz actually oversees NASA as the Chair of the Subcommittee on Space, Science, and Competitiveness and has tried to cut NASA’s budget. Maybe he thinks he can bankrupt the space agency from its ability to track climate change.

Yay, ’Merica! Where the wolves watch the hen house. But guess what, Tedster? Americans aren’t buying your lies. You have about as much chance of winning the White House as I do … which gives me a great idea!

The Shredder for U.S. President in 2016! Send ideas and comments to [email protected].