Cougars & Mustangs 

OK, so there’s this event going on, but you probably wouldn’t be interested. I think it has something do with a whole bunch of people strutting their stuff on the educational catwalk, as they make their escape from all of this. But seriously, it’s a discredit to everyone still gasping for air and not yet graduated that they left behind. (THINK OF THE CHILDREEEEEEN!)

So, apparently, as I hear it, graduation has to be split into two parts because there’s so gosh-darned many awesome people with the brain skills to maneuver their way out of this college thing. Apparently they’re separated into very specific groups like herds of animals or cavalry ready to storm the scarily-unprotected-from-teenagers-walk of American life. Or something like that.

Anyway, I’ve been told that on Saturday, June 9, at 10 a.m., people will actually be organized by the current state of their fingers. First you get the ones with muddy hands and green thumbs in the agriculture, food, and environmental science students. Hopefully they wash those fingers before they touch their stylish new caps and gowns. Next, you get the bleeding and bandaged-fingered liberal arts majors, still recovering from their madcap library adventures and severe paper-cut injuries. Poor folks will be in pain when they shake hands for their pictures, but it will be worth it, apparently. Incidentally, these poor souls can be further divided by the substances staining their fingers: ink, paint, tears, etc.

Then you get the science and mathematics folks, whose digits helped them count other digits and were their secret weapons against long division and trigonometry. They are the ones who learned early on that calculators are expensive and unnecessary when you can just measure your square roots by the wrinkles in your skin, and you can sure as heck bet that that skill is going on their already impressive résumés. Finally, you get the students in continuing education, whose mastery of finger use is beyond even my comprehension. It’s that good.

The following day, you get the people with all of the scary blueprints. Architecture and environmental design students enjoy long walks on the beach and spend their time building bastions. The business students help the previously mentioned students find potential sponsors and consider the economic benefits of turret construction. Finally, the engineering students devise ways to make the trebuchet more practical and efficient for home use. At least, that’s what I’ve heard.

Anyhoo, good luck to whoever these people are. The name of their place of instruction escapes me, but I’m sure it’s a very nice place. Cal Poly, maybe? Maybe.

Intern Chris White-Sanborn has built a shelter from the wave of successful college escapees. Send non-perishables to [email protected].