The Berlin Wall fell, the Internet blew up, nothing really mattered but your burn rate, Saddam got smoked out, Bush wore a codpiece on a flight deck, and we’ve got a black president.

That was then, this is now: record-setting food prices, Wikileaks, surveillance from sun-up to sun-down, food too frightening to eat, epidemic obesity, 300 channels of distraction, and global elites working to undo every inch of human progress made in the last century. All we need now is some sort of charismatic figure to pop up out of the woodwork and lead us all to Nirvana as we whistle the “Die Fahne Hoch.”

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