Darcia Stebbens‘ quixotic quest to slip out of paying for the vote recount she demanded in SLO County 2nd District Supervisor Bruce Gibson‘s 13-vote victory over retired orthopedic surgeon Bruce Jones marches on (and on) in court, where SLO County is suing Stebbens to recoup the remaining $4,448 spent in proving the initial vote count was right and Gibson won fair and square.
I usually like rooting for the underdog, but Stebbens, a San Miguel resident, is such a full-fledged tinfoil hat under a red MAGA hat-wearing nutterino supreme with extra cheese that my empathy well seems to have run drier than the Paso Robles Groundwater Basin. Wackadoodle doo!
At first, as she sat small and alone in court, I thought, “Where are your fellow election conspiracists? Is the SLO County Citizen Action Team just going to abandon you and leave you holding the bag?” It all seemed so sad. It got sadder when I learned she’s representing herself in the lawsuit, and you know what they say about a woman who acts as her own attorney: She has a fool for a lawyer and a jackass for a client, which she’s unfortunately proven repeatedly.
Stebbens’ main point of contention is that she hasn’t received an invoice that’s detailed enough to suit her. She wants every paper clip accounted for, see? In court on Dec. 7, she spent a couple of hours cross-examining County-Clerk Recorder Elaina Cano, asking her the same questions the county’s legal counsel had asked her earlier.
Sheesh! Don’t you watch courtroom dramas? “Asked and answered!” “I object!” “Overruled.”
“There are no statutes that require me to provide you with a detailed invoice,” Cano told Stebbens. “What I provided you is in accordance with the law.”
Eventually, presiding Judge Rita Federman got fed up and warned Stebbens to stop asking questions that had already been answered. But Stebbens just couldn’t help herself—plus she promised that she would eventually “tie it together.” Yeah, right, Perry Mason. Legally speaking, Stebbens can’t seem tie her own shoes. Are you sure you don’t want an actual lawyer?
“I don’t want to hear repeated testimony. I’m taking notes,” Federman said.
In response, Stebbens guffawed and said, “Thank you.” Sarcasm much? Look up “decorum,” Darcia, and then work on it.
But nope, Stebbens kept hectoring Cano and then interrupted her when she tried to answer, so Federman had to admonish her again. Then Stebbens started reading aloud from court documents.
“It’s usually really never required during trial to read out material already in front of everyone,” Federman said.
Stebbens kept reading.
“You don’t have to read it; we have it all in front of us,” Federman said exasperatedly.
Finally, Federman called time and announced they’d reconvene on Dec. 19 to hear the rest of Stebbens’ repetitive and boring cross-examination, talk to witnesses, and hear final (hopefully?) arguments.
“I’m going to ask the parties to really focus on the questions they want to ask,” Federman cautioned. “Small court claims are usually done in 30 minutes. We’ve gone above three hours.”
Judging from Federman’s prickly demeanor, things ain’t looking good for the defense. OK, MAGA nation, start searching for loose change in your La-Z-Boy recliners. I have a feeling your hero Darcia’s going to need $4,448 plus court costs.
Speaking of disappearing comrades, did you hear about Pismo Beach and the mysterious case of the disappearing traffic lane? It’s like a magic trick or something. The idea is to mitigate Highway 101 traffic congestion as it cuts through the city by adding a third lane, but only during high traffic periods. Otherwise, the lane would just become a really wide shoulder, wide like David Bryne‘s suit in Stop Making Sense, like 14 feet wide. Hm. Harebrained or ingenious? You decide. The Pismo Beach City Council seems to be split.
Three-fifths are really excited about the prospect, which means that two-fifths thinks it’s a debacle in the making because it might be too ugly for beautiful “Bakersfield by the Sea” and the city will lose oversight of the project if they hand it over to the California Coastal Commission, which has to approve it all anyway.
Supposedly, lane control signals would indicate to drivers when it’s a travel lane and when it’s a shoulder. What could go wrong with this seven-year “pilot” program, and why is it a “pilot” program anyway? I mean, does it make sense for government to dump a ton of money into a temporary solution for an ongoing problem? Don’t answer that. It’s rhetorical.
One of the reasons it’s a “pilot” program is because of a pesky little state law that prohibits general purpose travel on the shoulder of state highways, which means if the law doesn’t change, the massive “part-time travel lane” will revert to a full-time 14-foot-wide shoulder. Who came up with this ingenious plan? Stop making sense indeed.
Whatever the outcome, Councilmember Mary Ann Reiss is on the case demanding that the shoulder/travel lane have a rocky look to mirror the landscape on the hillside of the freeway: “We’re investing a lot of money in the beautification of this city, so that’s really important to me.”
Can we get rocks that turn into wildflowers? That’d be a cool trick too … unless there’s a law against it. Δ
The Shredder is looking for its Sancho Panza. Apply at shredder@newtimesslo.com.
This article appears in Last-Minute Gift Guide 2023.
I would think with a margin of only 13 votes that a recount would have been required as part of routine.
27% of precincts were recounted with no change. Stebbens herself halted the recount because it was costing her money and it was obvious that it would not change the results. I have full confidence in the people who run our elections. I’ve been voting for nearly six decades and I have not seen any examples of terrible fraud in vote counting. It was only with Trump’s 2016 campaign that there was a major candidate who questioned the validity of the vote. It does shock me that perfectly sane Republicans would follow suit and declare widespread fraud when they knew better.
Jones lost because he ran a terrible campaign. He never even mentioned the huge pay increases that several county officials had been granted. He simply ran on the idea that he was in line with Trump and he could run things better, despite the fact that he had zero experience in government and had only lived in the area for a few years. If the lawn mower guy had been nominated, we would not be having this conversation because Gibson would have been ousted.
“Stebbens, a San Miguel resident, is such a full-fledged tinfoil hat under a red MAGA hat-wearing nutterino supreme with extra cheese that my empathy well seems to have run drier than the Paso Robles Groundwater Basin. Wackadoodle doo!’
Lol, thanks for the laugh!