Whenever the publisher walks by my cubicle, I type faster. You know, really wail away, like I’m working super hard. Of course, what I’m typing is this: “Tkasd;kkjhhckjhs;kvh.” I look really busy, but I’m technically accomplishing nothing.
Out in Morro Bay, the City Council is feverishly working to appear to have some semblance of control over zoning after its citizens passed Measure A-24, which strips control from the council and forces a public vote on zoning changes in and around the power plant.
In case you’re just joining the party, A-24 was a citizens initiative created to stop the city from pushing through a—in some circles—very unpopular battery power storage facility project at the old power plant site. Meanwhile, the company behind the project, Texas-based Vistra Corp, decided the city was going too slow in approving its project, so it did an end run around the city and applied directly to a state agency for approval through AB 205. Sheesh! It’s like everyone’s trying to bypass the Morro Bay City Council! So, what has the council done in response?
“Hey, everybody! Look busy and act like what we do matters!”
Mayor Carla Wixom and her council have tasked city staff with writing up two potential new ordinances specifically addressing battery storage plant permits. Option one is to enact an ordinance forcing battery plant operators to do exactly what Vistra did—apply through the state via AB 205, bypassing local zoning, rendering the council’s opinions moot. Why would the city do that? It’s a mystery, but staff is apparently going to write it up anyway. Dejhkdhhqefg.
Option two is to draft an ordinance to block battery storage permits for two years while the city works to create clear standards for land use, which would then become a permanent ordinance. Um, OK, but how will that prevent a company like Vistra from doing exactly what it did—bypass local governance and go through the state?
Councilmember Cyndee Edwards seemed to recognize the futility of the council’s reaction to A-24 and Vistra’s end run, asking if the company just set a precedent. Why ever bother going through the city? But hey, y’all, way to look busy! Sdkkdjj’asdlkldggknsK.
Also, all you folks behind A-24 and those who voted for it, it worked! You stripped your City Council of its power, and now neither it nor you can stop Vistra. Now it’s up to the state and the California Coastal Commission. The whole mess makes no sense.
Speaking of senseless, up in Paso Robles, the city recently revamped its hotline for citizens to call and complain about their wine-drunk temporary neighbors staying in one of the city’s 418 short-term rental units. The hotline’s been around for five years, but it needed another hotline to complain about how the original hotline didn’t work for shit.
According to City Assistant Planner Lori Wilson, “We’ve been operating with a third-party company, and it was really largely an automated system. And so, you know, that just led to a lot of glitches.”
See? Robots can’t be trusted. The old system cut off addresses or missed street names, making it impossible to determine the location of the violation so rental owner-operators could be directed to tell their guests to shut the eff up!
“These types of situations where you have neighbors trying to sleep and they’re calling in a noise complaint at midnight, it’s pretty frustrating for them to not have it work,” Wilson added.
Now Paso’s hired a local company with actual people on the other end of the phone, so when you call to bitch about the noisy out-of-towner who parked on your lawn, threw up in your bushes, and is now singing along to Whitney Houston’s “Greatest Love of All” turned up to 11, you can confirm that they have the correct address.
You know who’s madder than a Paso resident near a Whitney Houston impersonator? Pretty much the entire board of the Oceano Community Services District (OCSD). Why? Because SLO County asked Oceano to share in the upkeep of a new Caltrans-constructed plaza located in Oceano as well as issue use permits for the space.
“What they are looking for is assistance from OCSD staff in terms of regular maintenance, landscaping, upkeep, irrigation, those types of things,” OCSD General Manager Peter Brown told the board at its Nov. 13 meeting.
Mm! That’s nice! A free new plaza for events. Sweet, right? Not so fast, SLO County.
“It really shouldn’t be our responsibility,” board member Allene Villa said. “It’s the [responsibility] of the county, and for them to put it on us, the disadvantaged community, seems very unfair.”Â
Yeah! Somebody call the wahhhmbulance. Unfair!
“I’ve been talking for two years about sticking to our core functions: water, sewer, garbage, lighting, parks, but here we are discussing a project that is not the responsibility of the district,” board member Shirley Gibson said.
Just out of curiosity, what’s the difference between a “park” and a “plaza”?
Anyhoo, the board directed Brown to tell SLO County they’re uninterested in taking on the responsibility, but if the county wants to do some data collection about how many use permits are issued so OCSD can better understand the level of demand, schmaybe they’ll revisit the idea. Probably not, though, because Oceano has enough problems, man. Δ
The Shredder is typing fast! Help it look busy at shredder@newtimesslo.com.
This article appears in Holiday Guide 2024.