I thought I’d take a break from all of the grievances, divisions, and outrage of our culture wars, and write about how, despite all the opportunistic goading by our politicians and media, we actually all get along with each other pretty well. This allows me to recount a few of my favorite stories from my long and undistinguished career in rugby, which illustrate my belief that the social contract is stronger than we give it credit for.
The parade
Rugby players are an ethnically and culturally diverse bunch united by our love of the game, and by beer. At the Old Boys (seniors) level where I mainly played, we geriatrics claimed to still be fit enough to play but mostly just wanted a chance to drink beer and regale each other with tales of “how good we used to be.” Our exploits grew ever more glorious with each retelling and with each beer.
In San Francisco, most rugby is played at the Polo Grounds, a vast oval containing six playing fields, enclosed by a track, and then by bleachers. On a fine spring day in 1985, we gathered for a tournament at a couple of the fields at the end of the oval, with the idle players gathering in the bleachers between their games to drink from the kegs provided and watch the other games. Sipping a beer, I noticed a group gathering at the distant end of the oval, and heard drumbeats and brass instruments. They soon began to march around the track in our direction.
As the band approached, I noticed that most of the marchers wore brightly colored tutus, tights, or other flamboyant gear, and were led by a prancing bearded baton twirler. I correctly surmised that they were the Gay Freedom Day Marching Band of local fame.
My amusement quickly turned to concern as I contemplated the likelihood of homophobic jeering from some of the hundreds of drunken ruggers in the stands as the band passed. While players tend to be a pretty decent bunch, this was the mid 1980s and the band was pretty “over the top.” And did I mention we were drunk? Even sober, ruggers are not a group particularly known for filtering. Others probably shared my concern.
The tension grew as the band approached, stopped, turned to face the stands, and played a tune. The crowd applauded, and then in the most fraught moment, one of the teams in the stands stood up to sing a reply. The singing of profoundly bawdy songs which would surely traumatize today’s woke, is a long tradition at rugby parties, and we braced ourselves for something appalling.
To our utter relief, they then sang an acapella rendition of Tony Bennett’s “I Left My Heart in San Francisco.” The band then applauded, pivoted, struck up a tune, and continued their march around the track, and we returned to our beer drinking.
The showers
At another tournament at the Polo Grounds, my team was eliminated early on, and we slouched back to the locker room to clean up. As we showered, we were surprised when a women’s rugby team entered, stripped, and joined us in the showers. What followed was the most impressive display of nonchalance I have ever seen. No rugger wanted to be thought priggish or be seen fleeing from the room shrieking about an affront to their modesty. We all reckoned that since there was only one locker room, the women’s team was every bit as entitled to use it as we were. It was one of the few instances in which having a stranger ask, “Can I borrow your shampoo, dear?” wouldn’t be terrifying.
The memorial
Shortly after the 9/11 attacks, my club played the San Francisco Fog, a new team with a gay identity. One of their members, Mark Bingham, had been one of the heroes on Flight 93 who fought back and prevented the plane from reaching Washington, D.C. The party afterward was a relatively somber affair, with toasts and reveries of Mark as we shared our common admiration for his heroics at a time when we were all Americans together.
My point?
We have a lot more in common than we have differences, and we can usually work through our differences respectfully and without supervision or intervention. We largely agree on what is reasonable and fair. Despite vast differences in culture and background, we generally get on well together. Perhaps the concept of “micro-aggressions” was created by those needing to be outraged by something but who were disappointed by the lack of objectively offensive interactions in their day-to-day lives.
Let’s keep it up and not let the voices in politics and the media turn us against each other to serve their own purposes.
And now we return to our regularly scheduled programming … . Δ
John Donegan is a retired attorney in Pismo Beach who spent more time at the keg than on the field. Send a response for publication to letters@newtimesslo.com.
This article appears in Jul 3-13, 2025.
Kudos to reaching out. If only the inclusiveness displayed by your rugby team could find its way into the GOP platform.
We GOP are already pretty inclusive, and we are happy to be even more so. Increasing numbers of Latino and Black voters are coming into the party, and there are gay Republican groups (the Log Cabin Republicans). While my rugby club was pretty inclusive, we generally had no idea what the political views of the other members were, and there certainly wasn’t any political proselytizing going on. If any member had tried to dictate mandatory new political beliefs to the others, they quickly would have ended up at the bottom of a ruck. Likewise, you’ll find that the majority of Republicans do not reject others, but just resist the implementation of changes sometime insisted up.
Where’s vomit emoji?
Within each party are numerous caucuses, research each party’s platform and vote your conscience. Do I like every aspect of the Republican party or disliked every aspect of the Democratic party, nay. I switched party affiliation recently because I’m done with the Democratic party and its current iteration is completely insane.
The Democratic party was bombing the interior of Russia last Fall.
The Democratic party is courting ethno-nationalists who burn the American flag as they wave foreign flags in LA and other large cities with divisive identitarian rhetoric.
Why would I want to have anything to do with that party? I get this urge to take a shower after being near a Democrat. As a party, they have become unrecognizable. Further, I’ve known many literal Democrat apparatchiks on a very personal level and if you knew what I knew, you’d leave the party too.
I’d encourage any Democrat disgusted with their party to join the Republican party. Create a caucus and advocate for your ideals within the party and when you are at the polling booth, vote Republican. It’s a big tent and you’re welcome.
California GOP: https://cagop.org/about/
We should have had a public option for heath care 25 years ago.
The federal and state minimum wage should have been raised 25 years ago.
The defense budget should have been slashed 25 years ago.
Banks shouldn’t have ever been bailed out.
A constitutional amendment should have been created decades enshrining marriage equality and reproductive rights decades ago.
Do you really casting your vote for the Democratic party like a robot is going to change anything? You are being used by the Democratic party. You are in an abusive relationship with the Democratic party, how many more times will you allow yourself to get beat up by them? The Democratic party won’t change no matter how much wish. Your party hates you, it’s voting record is proof. Where is our national healthcare and $30 an hour minimum wage? Where is our progressive taxation? This is why people have left the Democratic party. They literally hate you unless you are a movie star, pop star, ivory tower academic, or a tech billionaire. If you are a member of the working poor, and I say this as one myself, LEAVE THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY ASAP. They have no intention of materially improving your life, it would have happened by now. Let them get a taste of their own medicine.
Fly: And you think embracing fascism is a helpful alternative? Since the Dems are the only viable alternative, change them from the bottom up.
Steve:
Your liberalism, as conducted by your former Democrat Commander-in-Chief, was launching rockets into the interior of Russia last fall. You must be 12yo and missed the Cold War. Yeah, I’m quite happy live in a fascist regime, we almost got nuked. At least we are still alive. This is real life, we aren’t living in a video game. You are aware that Zylenski was launching rockets into Russia, right? Do you think this a joke?
Steve:
“Since the Dems are the only viable alternative..”
This is the Democrats entire problem. The Democrats offered the public nothing but their drunk candidate Kamala and no plan to materially improve the lives of America’s working class and working poor. This idea that we have no alternative other than Democrats is why your party lost the election. People either didn’t vote or, like me, simply voted for the opposition as a protest. Again, why would I vote for a party who was literally dropping missiles into the heartland of Russia, getting closer and closer to Moscow last fall? I prefer stay alive. I’m in my mid 50s, your party wasn’t just perhaps flying U2 spy planes over Russia, YOU WERE BOMBING THE WORLDS LARGEST NUCLEAR ARMED NATION. Is your party INSANE??
Fly: Not sure why they dumped all the previous posts, but my contention is that if there are only two viable parties, you have a better chance having input into one that at least pays lip service to democracy, and isn’t run by bat-shit crazy eugenotopians.
Steve:
Lip service is just that, lip service. I’m over it. The only “eugenotopians” I see are the ethno-nationalists burning our flag in LA as they wave their flag AND that your party is currently courting by way of its open border and identitarian rhetoric. Left to their devices, armed with a bizarre historical mythology, and mistaking liberal openness for weakness, they would throw anyone not of their ancestry out of California and build a new Templo Mayor in downtown LA. This won’t happen on my generation’s watch.
Yep, that’s YOUR party, Steve. Next, the Democratic party is going to provide the lighter fluid so they can continue burning our flag and by extension, every value we Americans hold dear. It’s total desperation on the part of your party. They’re like back alley crack heads willing to do anything for another hit. Your party will take any vote it can get, even if it means destroying our state and country. There’s a reason your party lost, The public is disgusted with your party. The flag burning it’s doing is simply the cherry on top. It’s the Democratic party’s final act.