Our nation is suffering under the rule of most narcissistic and egotistical personality ever to occupy the White House. His vanity is embedded in his character, and it’s now being embedded in stone, steel, and signage throughout Washington.
We watched in horror as Trump summarily demolished the East Wing of the White House to build a massive ballroom twice the size of the White House itself. Trump’s face glowers down from an enormous banner draping the Robert F. Kennedy Building, headquarters of the Justice Department. He’s attached his name to the John F. Kennedy Memorial Center for the Performing Arts, now closed for two years while he “renovates” that landmark.
Trump’s “Triumphal Arch” will soon rise 250 feet over the entry to Arlington Cemetery, taller than the Lincoln Memorial across the river. A group of Vietnam veterans has filed suit to stop this monument to Trump’s vainglorious ego.
As Trump’s conceit has soared, his popularity sinks: A recent Post-ABC-Ipsos poll reveals that 62 percent of Americans disapprove of him, and only 37 percent approve. On every issue he is viewed negatively.
This surging anger should put Democrats in control of Congress after the mid-term election in November. If so, I have a suggestion: Let’s give him an empire—a “virtual reality” empire where he can continue believing that he still reigns supreme.
The new Congress should pass a resolution declaring Trump the “Emperor of these United States and Protector of Canada, Mexico, and Venezuela.” Along with this title, we should offer him a special crown designed by a new Congressional Committee on Artificial Intelligence, one that will create a virtual reality bubble where he will experience his new empire as if it were real life.
It shouldn’t be difficult to create this hallucinatory crown. AI can do just about anything we ask. Is there any more important task for our AI engineers than saving us from this self-promoting egomaniac now wreaking havoc on the nation?
As Trump’s conceit has soared, his popularity sinks: A recent Post-ABC-Ipsos poll reveals that 62 percent of Americans disapprove of him.
There’s a historical precedent in 19th-century hero Emperor Norton, who ruled over his vast “empire“ from San Francisco from 1860 until his death in 1880. Born in England in 1818, Joshua Norton arrived in San Francisco in 1846. By 1852, he’d earned a fortune in investments but lost it all, declaring bankruptcy in 1856.
After a failed campaign for Congress, Norton found a new way to resurrect his reputation: In 1859, Norton wrote a letter to the San Francisco Daily Evening Bulletin proclaiming himself “Emperor of these United States.” He called for delegates from all across the Union to meet in six months to “make such alterations in the existing laws of the Union as may ameliorate the evils under which the country is laboring.”
San Francisco quickly embraced this eccentric activist, indulging him with all the accolades accorded to monarchy. People bowed to him as he walked the city’s streets.
In 1861, Emperor Norton pronounced an additional title for himself: “Protector of Mexico.” Norton wore an elaborate blue uniform with gold-plated epaulettes, a beaver hat adorned with ostrich feathers, and a rosette. He often held audiences with his subjects in the streets, discussing the issues of the day.
Emperor Norton proposed marriage to Queen Victoria in London, hoping their union would strengthen ties with his native England. Sadly, she never responded. When he died, 10,000 of his loyal subjects attended the funeral; the headline in The Chronicle lamented, “Le Roi Est Mort” (The King Has Died).
Let’s take a page from the case of Emperor Norton and allow Trump to exchange the presidency for a far greater realm as emperor.
Each day when he rises, he’d find his clothes laid out for him: Purple robes befitting his special AI crown, scepters, and rings—a daily ritual coronation of his grace—except Sundays, when he’ll don a pope’s habit and play the role of pontiff.
His new AI crown will manipulate his perception of the settings and people around him, reinforcing his need to be the center of attention of the universe. This new bubble will provide all the fawning admiration that he craves, creating virtual versions of Mar-a-Lago and his ballroom in Washington.
Our virtual monarch could exercise his power by waging virtual wars on virtual nations—even a virtual China! His virtual advisors would convince him that the GOP won the mid-term elections bigly. In this world, a third term is guaranteed.
Trump’s virtual Washington would be redesigned just as he has ordained: his name on every building, “Triumphal Arches” at both ends of Arlington Bridge.
Huge crowds would line the course of each imperial entourage, cheering wildly as he rides among adoring fans who shower him with his newly minted gold Trump coins.
Here’s the best part: When his magnificent mortal body finally gives out, the emperor’s VR rooms will be re-created in the American Museum of History where visitors could reimagine the glorious days of MAGA.
These special VR galleries would, however, be the only building where his name appears, anywhere in America, anywhere in the world. ∆
John Ashbaugh has been living in his own altered state of consciousness since the late ‘60s. Send a response for publication to letters@newtimesslo.com.
This article appears in May 14-21, 2026.
The military industrial complex wants another Afghanistan. It wants a 20 year war so it can have 20 years of profits. Winning doesn’t matter, defense contractors and their shareholders just want war and government contracts. A 1.4 trillion dollar defense budget represents the end of the dollar. For wage earners like me, I’m already looking for a cardboard box for my family to live in.
Mr. Ashbaugh forgets that the Emperor Norton was a beloved figure in early California, and widely indulged. I understand that he was often able to eat and drink for free in the cafes and saloons of his realm, who afforded him the respect and courtesies due his lofty station.
With the hatred and bitter hysterics with which liberals regard Trump, I doubt that 40% of the populace would be capable of providing him with similar deference. If an individual is currently incapable of even muttering his name without spitting or experiencing a shiver of intense loathing, I doubt that they would be able to bring themselves perform the requisite bow, curtsy or a tug on the forelock for their new emperor. Indeed, just the attempt would probably make many stroke out. The egalitarian U.S. may be 250 years free of royal rule, but the likely reaction of Democrats to their newly annoited emperor, and their insolence and contempt, would be such an egregious breach of royal protocol that our social foundations would be severely shaken.
Jeez, John D, can your writing be any more turgid? I really like it, but the layperson will be stumbling all over it. It’s actually very beautiful, I really like how you cloak killer insults behind lofty prose. Seriously, your comment was a pleasure to read.
Thanks. That extra cup of coffee really cut in.
“…tug on the forelock…” First time I’ve encountered that phrase. How about “bow and scrape?”