Stepped outside to grab a bite to eat on New Year’s Day and got smacked in the head with a flying tree branch. While I lay bleeding on my front lawn, cursing the winter storm that was threatening to topple a telephone pole onto my torso and wondering if I could see inside my neighbor’s bedroom window if I craned my neck just right, a vision suddenly came to me. Maybe it was a gift from on high or maybe I was just high from the blood loss, but whatever the source, I got a clear picture of what 2006 will bring. It ain’t gumdrops and roses.
In late January, a new spate of lawsuits and controversy will plague the Los Osos sewer project, but leaders will remain hopeful that “the thing will get built real soon.�
Buoyed by the success of last year’s anti-Mardi Gras campaign, the city of San Luis Obispo will start to crack down on other February holidays. Starting in late January, SLO Police Chief Deb Linden will join with other city officials to produce a series of commercials asking people to “take the night off� and “stay home for Valentine’s Day.� In the following days, after no major riots or arrests, police will champion the safety effort and start eyeing St. Patrick’s Day in March.
Over protests from councilmember Christine Mulholland, the city will then expand its Mardi Gras-related public nudity statute to include bans on all publicly nude statues and, to be extra prudish and puritanical, all partially nude statues. The loincloth-clad Puck will once again be airlifted from downtown, but an equipment malfunction will cause him to fall into the flowerpots in front of Jamba Juice.
“Good thing there wasn’t a bench there, or some panhandler could have been crushed!� a visibly relieved Tom Copeland will say, though no one will be listening.
The flurry from the nudity furor will
once again bring the Victoria’s Secret window display under fire, this time for its sensual Valentine’s lingerie display, but when people try to ask Mayor Dave Romero his opinion, they won’t be able to find him. He’ll be out skiing. Nude. But it won’t be in city limits, so he’ll have nothing to worry about, besides frostbite.
In my prophetic vision, I couldn’t tell who won any medals in the Winter Olympics. My reception was a little fuzzy. Plus, who cares?
In April, a new spate of lawsuits and controversy will plague the Los Osos sewer project, but leaders will remain hopeful that “the thing will get built real soon.�
Nothing happens in May. Sorry.
In June, the Santa Barbara County split issue will show up on local ballots and pass with a surprisingly high measure of support, giving us a new neighbor, Mission County, to make fun of to the south.
Also in June, Senator Abel Maldonado will oust his good buddy Arnold Schwarzenegger to receive the Republican bid in the gubernatorial primary, his next step on the road to eventual sainthood. By my count, he still has to perform three miracles, unless you count the fact that no muck’s ever stuck on him in a campaign and how he manages to look younger every time he appears in public. In that case, he’s only got one supernatural feat left before the new Pope decrees that we all should start praying to him.
Oh, by the way, we’ll get another new Pope in July, so we’ll have to go through the whole process again. All the puffs of smoke. The lines of people. Everything.
At Cal Poly’s graduation, college president Warren Baker will malfunction in the middle of his pre-recorded speech. Technical support will decline to help the school because Baker’s warranty ran out in 2003.
In late August and early September, two category five hurricanes will slam into the White House, flooding the offices and hallways. Only lower-level staffers will perish, prompting President George Bush to spend a moment in silence as he flies to Nantucket.
In October, a new spate of lawsuits and controversy will plague the Los Osos sewer project, but leaders will remain hopeful that “the thing will get built real soon.�
In November, there was another election, but my reception started getting fuzzy again. I couldn’t see any of the results. It sharpened up for December, though, when the county supervisors will vote to approve Ernie Dalidio’s Marketplace project, ushering in a new era for San Luis Obispo, one built on the shoulders of Target, Old Navy, and Circuit City.
When I got to the Marketplace decision part of my vision, however, I began to get suspicious. Everyone’s been talking about the development project, but I couldn’t imagine anyone at the county level making a decision so soon.
Then I noticed a little note down in the bottom of the scene. I thought it might say something like “Objects in vision may be closer than they appear,� but it actually said, “Paid for by the Supporters of the Dalidio Ranch Marketplace.�
At that point, I came to my senses again on my lawn, partially because the vision was over and partially because I could see that my neighbors were doing something that they probably shouldn’t have been doing with the window open. Live it up, you two, at least until February. ?
Have a crystal ball?
