Central Valley motorheads, 1.
Western snowy plover-hugging environmentalists, 0.
In an interesting and unexpected twist, it appears the California Coastal Commission‘s power only extends so far. A little more than two years ago, the commission announced it would ban off-roading on the Oceano Dunes by 2024. Now that edict has been squelched.
SLO County Superior Court Judge Tana Coates ruled on July 19 that the commission doesn’t have the authority to enact a forever ban on off-roading in the dunes, so the ban is off. You hear that?!? Load up the ice chest with Natty Lights, fill the ATV with dinosaur juice, put 911 on speed dial, and let’s go break some necks!
According to the judge, our local coastal plan explicitly allows off-roading, which means that plan would need to be updated to ban off-roading, which kicks the decision back to local politics and … wait for it … the SLO County Board of Supervisors, that august, well-functioning bastion of sage decision-making, not.
Can you imagine the parade of yahoos who’ll come before the board to lobby “for” or “against”? It’ll be a clown car of crackpots, one after the other, lining up to get their three minutes of impassioned caterwauling on the record.
Who do we have to thank for reversing the commission’s decision? It comes courtesy of The Friends of Oceano Dunes, which sued the commission. “Friends” of the dunes, eh? Kind of a euphemism, ain’t it? Seems to me they’re not “friends” of the “dunes,” which arguably only get damaged from this “friendship.” They’re actually friends of off-roaders, the fossil fuel industry, ATV manufacturers, and maybe trauma health care providers and undertakers, who every year deal with the aftermath of accidents. Between 2008 and 2019, 24 people died at the dunes. In fact, only the years 2010, 2012, and 2017 recorded zero deaths. Slow. Clap. Clap.
Will the county supervisors even take the issue up? Can they simply ignore this hot potato? And if they do, will all the roughly 23,000 off-roaders who use the dunes show up? How about all the folks who argue that off-roading at the dunes creates air pollution and particulate matter that result in coughing, congestion, chest pain, increased heart attack and stroke risk, and stunted lung development in children? IN CHILDREN!
According to a 2016-17 Economic Impact Analysis Report by the Oceano Dunes District of the California State Parks survey, only 15 percent of respondents indicated they were local residents, while 85 percent were either day or overnight visitors. Hey, tourist bucks, amirite? But should all these out-of-towners decide what happens in our county? What about the South County residents who have to live with the pollution, trash, congestion, and ambulance sirens?
I’m guessing this battle isn’t over yet, but for now, carry on, off-road enthusiasts.
You know who else can carry on? The poor suckers who live by the SLO County Regional Airport who’ve been drinking poisoned well water since, who knows? So far 57 wells have tested for unsafe levels of PFAS (per- and polyfluoroalkyl substances), which were developed in the 1940s and are super hard to get rid of. Oh, and they’re probably carcinogenic. Bottoms up! Don’t forget to hydrate!
The county is taking some steps to try to make things right, and the Central Coast Regional Water Quality Control Board asked SLO County Public Health to conduct a health survey in the area. Sounds like an excellent idea, right? Except Public Health Director Dr. Penny Borenstein is, like, nah.
“These kinds of health surveys are exceedingly challenging and especially for an exposure like this, that is still in the ‘may cause’ not ‘will cause’ [stage],” she said. “There’s still no causality for PFAS, and it’s very challenging and disturbing for all of us. … When we’re talking about a very small population like we are, the chances of finding any sort of cause and effect is like finding a needle in a haystack.”
So, basically, Borenstein is arguing that it’s too hard to do a health survey, the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) hasn’t unequivocally determined that PFAS are dangerous, and even if we discover health problems, they may have come from anywhere, even that PFAS-laden Teflon pan you’ve been using since 1941.
Plus, the county’s already having to add water filtration systems to the affected houses, which is costing a pretty penny. The last thing the county wants to discover is that its poison water has made people sick and now they’re on the line for those associated costs. Nothing to see here. Move along.
Meanwhile in the “something to see here” department, it’s happened again. Masked white dudes with banners have infiltrated SLO County. “WHITE MEN UNITE.” Really, dudes? We get that you’re racist, and we already assume you’re a bunch of incel losers, so do you really need to stand in front of SLO Fire Station No. 1 with a banner announcing that you’re insecure male losers looking to recruit other insecure male losers? How about a banner that reads, “I respect everyone, especially women,” or “All people are worthy of love, including me,” or “I’m not wearing this mask to hide my carbuncular features, I swear!”
Sigh. What is wrong with these people? This is not the America I love. Δ
The Shredder is making a banner that reads “multicultural pluralism is rad.” Agree to hold one end at shredder@newtimesslo.com.
This article appears in 55 Fiction 2023.
Yikes. It may be prudent to limit dune usage, but maybe limit misogyny too.