New Times - San Luis Obispo - The Shredder

the shredder
Wha'sup

I’ve been thinking about rotten things. Bad stuff. The worst. I don’t know why. Maybe because I’ve been reading various publications over the past few weeks that have retrospectives of 2003, which naturally enough has me thinking about my past and my childhood nightmares and my stupid little brother, who won’t pay back that loan and wants me to help hide the body, and he brings out the worst in me in the worst possible way.

But never mind. Speaking of worst, how about these:

WORST MARKETING IDEA: You may not have noticed, but the Santa Maria Times has changed its name to the Central Coast Daily Times, but only here in SLO County.

I’m stumped over why. Besides the obvious thought that they’re embarrassed over the Santa Maria name is the possibility that they think people will pick it up for regional news, when it’s just a Santa Maria paper masquerading around SLO County. This will work. Once. Then everyone will be on to them and they’ll just look kinda stupid.

Or maybe they’re trying to pick up some tourist readers. This is silly. Tourists don’t read news. They’re on vacation. A much more effective ploy would be to take a hint from Grover and rename the city “Santa Maria Beach.” All I know for sure is that this brilliant marketing move is on the plate of Publisher Cynthia Schur. Somebody please turn on the dishwasher.

WORST SHAKE UP: Dec. 22, 11:15 a.m. My entire beer bottle collection was ruined, which was great. Now I’ll have to start over.

WORST EXAMPLE OF DISLOYALTY: This would have to be Mid-State Fair CEO John Alkire, who got the job here and then five seconds later leapt at the CEO position at the Big Fresno Fair (That’s what they call it). This is a great example for his new employees to follow. I’d like to wish Big John a Big Goodbye from us all.

WORST SWITCHEROO: It’s SLO County Supervisor Peg Pinard, one of the staunchest opponents of the Home Depot construction project on Los Osos Valley Road. She hated it—hated, hated, hated it—so guess who was the first to laud it on opening day? There was Peg, elbowing through the crowd, grabbing the microphone, and giving a chirpy, impromptu speech extolling the wonders of America’s home improvement epicenter. She didn’t just change her mind; she bought a new one on aisle nine next to the electric vacillators.

WORST LOCAL TV AD: No contest. It’s Atascadero Ford (“If you don’t drive here, YOU CAN’T SAVE HERE!!!!!) The spot is so annoying that as soon as it airs, I want to leap for the remote and cram it down my throat to kill myself. Either that or go buy a Ford.

MY WORST MOVIE IDEAS: These are really bad. Let’s start with a sequel to “Titanic,” followed by a staged musical version of “Backdraft,” I just know we can lose lots of money. Then we can do these: “Thelma & Louse & Ted & Alice,” “Lord of the Rinks,” “Citizen Kane: The Sequel,” “Three Men and a Baby Ruth,” “RoboClerk,” “Gone with the Wind and the Lion,” “Gigli: The Director’s Cut,” “Cold Mountain of Meatloaf,” and “Freddy and Jason Meet Bert and Ernie.” All I’ve ever really wanted to do is direct.

WORST LOCAL TREND: Canned local radio. The big boys have bought everything. Thanks to Clear Channel Communications and American General Media, you’ll never hear “ … and this one goes out to Patty in Paso from Jim in Los Osos.” You’ll never be the seventh caller. You’ll never win two tickets to the PAC. And you’ll never forget how great it was before these clowns took over. Pretty soon, the term “locally owned radio station” will be said in the same breath with “locally owned lunar module.”

WORST AREA SCANDAL: This award goes to the messy Michael Jackson circus and its attendant bozos, coming to you live from Santa Maria. If we had to have a scandal, couldn’t it have been about stealing money or infidelity or murder or something respectable like that? No, we get a pop-superstar, nose-less white woman accused of child molestation. Great. That’s just great.

WORST USE OF VOCAL ENERGY: TV ads always say “Dubble-u, dubble-u, dubble-u” when giving a web address. What a waste of energy. Everyone already knows there’s a www at the beginning of every web address. Why not just say, “whatever.com”? Nobody ever calls me to get stuff like this straightened out ahead of time.

And what about “on the Richter scale”? Another waste of energy. The earthquake was a 6.5. Everybody knows what that means. Journalists think about stuff like this. We have to. Extra words are extra work.

WORST CORPORATE DECISION: I’m feeling really sick right now, but I can’t go to the hospital because they’ve all been closed. ³