New Times - San Luis Obispo - The Shredder

the shredder
Stuff and nonsense

Here’s a bunch of things I’ve been thinking about ever since I was born that I haven’t had the chance to ponder sufficiently, so I thought I’d do that right now…

I was wandering around the Internet yesterday when I came upon the code of ethics for the State Bar of California. I’d been looking for some nogoodniks to write about this week and happened to punch “slime-eating bottom feeders” into Google and up it came.

With all the discussion nowadays about “inappropriate” behavior and ethical whatever and stuff like that, I had to check out what the State Bar considers ethical behavior for its legions of lawyers, 10,000 of whom have set up their roots in SLO County, so be careful what your write or you might get sued for libel like me, forget what I just said.

The ethical code that the State Bar hands out to its newly minted minions covers everything from “communication with a represented party” to “contact with jurors.” This is a good thing. Lawyers are instructed in how to think about what’s right and wrong, and that there actually is such a distinction. Imagine how bad things would be without the State Bar of California’s code of ethics. No, don’t. You might throw up.

So I’m looking through the code and come upon Rule 3-120, Sexual Relations with Client. Hmmm. This is interesting. As I recall, my therapist was prevented from hitting on me by the American Psychiatric Institute’s code of ethics, which is no doubt why she didn’t. What’s the State Bar have to say about lawyers?

“A member shall not continue representation of a client with whom the member has sexual relations …”

Yeah, that makes sense.

“… if such sexual relations cause the member to perform legal services incompetently.”

Talk about an escape clause. I wonder who’s supposed to determine that. Me, I’d never consider myself incompetent, no matter what my editor thinks. This means, of course, that the State Bar is saying your attorney can screw you in yet another way, and that it’s perfectly ethical and proper. You’ll always remember a member’s member. And the bill.

Having been (obviously) written by (horny) lawyers, the code also makes it clear that “this shall not apply to sexual relations between members and their spouses,” which should make everybody feel better. I was wondering about that.

The code of ethics for journalists, by the way, stipulates that we shall not engage in sexual relations with readers if such relations aren’t any fun. I hope you’re having fun right now. I know I am.

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I’ve been getting a lot of letters recently complaining about me and what I did or didn’t do or should have done or what I might have done if I hadn’t done that other thing.

For example, George T. of Pismo Beach writes, “You can go ——- yourself, you rotten piece of ——-, I hope you’re ————- life ends soon and that you eat —— and die.” George can get a little worked up at times and say some things he doesn’t really mean.

But it has me wondering why people like this expend all that energy with a pen and paper when they could be far more productive sitting way up on a tower with a high-powered rifle.

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Speaking of letters, Ms. Rebecca Silverberg over on page 19 informs me that my comments last week about liberals calling themselves “progressives” is nonsense. This is not the first time I’ve been accused of writing idiotic blather, although it might be the first time it’s true, but I don’t think so.

According to Ms. Silverberg, progressives are liberals who are so left wing that they fly in circles and are also members of the Green Party. She might be right. But I keep hearing liberal democrats call themselves progressives, so what we have here are two different realities, no doubt from parallel universes, in mortal combat like something out of “The Matrix,” or two people disagreeing, take your pick.

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Speaking of liberals, I hear that some company called Progress Media plans to compete with the right-wing wacko radio shows by creating a bunch of left-wing cuckoo radio stations. Mark Walsh, Progress Media’s CEO, says they’ll be opening five stations real soon, allowing liberals to fire shots back at Rush Limbaugh and his legions of Ditto Head morons.

This is idiotic and won’t work. I bet liberals will never listen to the shows. Conservatives like to sit on their butts and absorb goofball propaganda, taking it in like a soothing balm. Liberals don’t like to sit around. They’re always out jogging or protesting or volunteering at the food bank. But who knows, I could be wrong. The rumor is that one of those stations will be KVEC, but that’s just a rumor I just this second made up.

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You’re done reading. I’m tired. I’m going to go now. ³