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You're so not money 

Did it just get colder in here? Something in the universe feels amiss, and I swear the sky is losing its color. Oh, that’s what it is. King political scumbag Karl Rove is coming to SLO. Somehow he subverted my restraining order against him, and that other court order that’s supposed to stop him from being within 1,000 feet of schools, small children, and churches.

I’m not sure what his M.O. is here, but on March 27 we’ll be greeted by Rove’s clicking hooves at the Madonna Inn for, “An Evening with Karl Rove.” It’s just $100 a pop to get into the place along with a copy of his book. A mere $1,500 gets you a VIP dinner, a signed copy of the book, and a photo with Rove (who of course doesn’t show up in photographs, or mirrors). And for the low, low price of $2,500, you also get to sit at Rove’s table along with Congressman Kevin McCarthy. Sign me up. Anyone mind setting up a collection fund to put me at the table with this pudgy little demon?

Don’t get me wrong: Rove isn’t the only shell of a human tinkering behind the catastrophe we know as modern government. But he’s certainly been a head coach of perpetuating this whole governance-as-sports fiasco we have to watch play out on Fox News and the like. Plus he tips the evil scale askew more than most.

Am I going too far out on the angry-self-righteous limb here? I don’t think so.

If Rahm Emanuel were to come and slosh out his brand of bullshit, for example, I’d be ranting just the same; in his case, mostly because of Emanuel’s work to neuter the largest Democratic majority in recent history. And for helping to screw the American-mortgage pooch during his time at Freddie Mac.

Speaking of big, stupid money, let’s go local.

In SLO, the message is finally crystal clear—even more transparent than the old white people who run the place. Let me glean a quote from this week’s news piece on SLO masonry buildings.

“We are trying to help major developers who are putting a lot of money into this city,” SLO Mayor Dave Romero said.

I couldn’t have said it better myself, Dave, unless I took that “we” part and swapped in a “they.”

Long and short of it is the SLO City Council is giving massive extensions to the Garden Street Terraces developers and owners of eight other downtown buildings, letting them avoid retrofitting their buildings, including Downtown Brew, unlike every other downtown business. Sorry, I guess I should clarify: every business that isn’t promising to grease the city with big, sloppy, financial “favors.”

As for all those small businesses that forked over the retrofit money on deadline without having to sell off to cookie-cutter cologne- and techno-infused retail abominations that made their way like parasites downtown, the message is a big hearty, “Thanks, now shut up while we give your rich buddies better deals.”

At least some people such as Romero are honest about bending over for developers with lots of money. Though it seems dangerous for a man of his age to do too much bending these days.

It’s just another example that money buys power, no matter how small the arena. We all know this, but it still sucks having to watch while city official types give out free handies in the form of five-year retrofit extensions to wallet-heavy developers to the disadvantage of moms and pops. Maybe that’s why Rove is coming to town: He can smell the money and the slutty city officials.

To Romero and crew: Enjoy subverting public safety in order to score a few more sweaty wads of cash. I just hope I won’t be getting blitzed at Downtown Brew when the big one comes. Smoke ‘em while you got ‘em, I guess.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, it’s Saint Patty’s Day and I’m going to go pound a few, unless the roof caves in. Either way, cheers! And drink up because it might not last long.

   With a study in hand about the proclivity of public urination due to alcohol, those same SLO city bobbleheads are applying for a $50,000 grant from the California Department of Alcoholic Beverage Control. If they get the money they’re going to start coordinating with ABC offices and a bunch of other meaningless jargon listed on the staff report. But goal No. 3 is why I’m getting nervous again: “Prioritizing law enforcement efforts and targeting those licensed outlets that cause alcohol-related crimes.”

It all sounds perfectly reasonable, but the tighter the city squeezes the bars and scapegoats bar owners for contributing to night brawls and pee-soaked sidewalks, the more the issue gets muddled. I’ve said it before, but it bears repeating that in response to the animosity of public officials, several bar owners are choosing not to call the cops rather than drive up their crime stats. Police Chief Deb Linden and other officials seem perfectly content to push resources toward things that are mostly public annoyances (the peeing, not the fights). I hate having to defend drunk morons (not really), but why gut SLO’s bar scene in a blanket sweep of all things unpleasant? Cheers, though.

Help send the Shredder to Rove’s table by contacting shredder@newtimesslo.com.

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