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Trump logic 

Only a genius would see the problem so clearly! If you want to save energy, make automobiles less fuel efficient, and then drivers will drive less because it costs too much! Thanks, Trump! Why didn't California think of that?

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Out here on the Left Coast, we've been operating under the silly assumption that more efficient fuel standards would save our environment, and that higher gasoline taxes would serve the dual purpose of raising money for road maintenance while simultaneously creating an incentive to choose public transportation or encourage electric or hybrid vehicle purchases. What rubes we are! Bless us with your wisdom, oh stable genius!

Trump's calling for more lax standards, and even more brilliantly moving to end California's power to set its own tougher greenhouse gas emissions standards as well as nullifying California's mandate that automakers must sell a specific number of electric vehicles.

Why? Because California is ruining it for the rest of "real America"!

You see, with a strong economy and population of nearly 40 million, when California set fuel standards, automakers had two choices: raise standards for their entire fleet of cars and trucks (thus making every state cleaner) or be excluded from California's lucrative car market. We were ruining it by driving up the cost of vehicles and cutting into gas sales. According to Trump, we need more retrograde thinking! Drag those knuckles, Cali!

Weirdly, at least one local official—Assemblyman Jordan Cunningham (R-San Luis Obispo)—is not falling in lockstep with Der Führer. He introduced a resolution (AJR 49) supporting California's right to set its own standards.

"California is proud to lead the nation towards a cleaner future," Cunningham in a press release. "Our ability to set our own emission goals has reduced pollution, increased fuel efficiency, and saved drivers money at the pump."

Yeah, but you're a Republican, Jordie, and you're gonna make Trumpsters like SLO Republican Party bigwig Randall Jordan have a conniption fit!

"Clean air is not a Republican or Democrat issue," Cunningham told New Times reporter Chris McGuinness. "There is no Democratic or Republican air."

Well, not yet, but I imagine that's one of the ideas certain folks whisper into the ears of the life-size cardboard Trump cutout in the SLO Republican office.

"Oh Donnie, I mean 'Sir,' just imagine if we made a law against libtards breathing patriotic American air!" Rando whispers. "We could tell them to go to your magnificent southern border wall and sniff Mexican air through the holes."

Yep, it's a topsy-turvy world out there. In fact, (and disappointingly, I might add—because there was no conniption fit, at least not a public one) Rando simply told New Times he wouldn't comment on Cunningham's power play against the presidential dick-tater's version of the Environmental "Protection" Agency. Maybe the Tea Party stalwart has come around to the reality of things—or maybe he just hates this liberal rag (which is a reality we're pretty used to). But it's strange, considering the last time our moderate Republican Assembly member did something this publicly in support of the environment (in July 2017), our card-carrying Tea Party friend signed his name to a letter denouncing his representative.

Good ol' Rando joined Republican Party Central Committee chairs from six other counties, saying he was "disgusted with the betrayal" of eight Republican representatives who dared join the Democrats in extending a "faulty cap-and-trade scheme."

"Ignoring the damage to jobs and the economy and with no proof of a positive environmental effect by cap-and-trade, the Republicans have stuck their thumb in the eye of county Republican Central Committees and conservatives across the state," the letter stated. California has 58 counties, by the way—not just six.

Goddamn collaboration on preventing the world from burning to a crisp! How dare they! Don't worry Randall, my dear; it's not working anyway. Just keep in mind that 600,000 acres of California is being or has been charred to crisp. So much for clean air.

Speaking of politicians who break from party lines—well, ex-politicians—ex-Lt. Gov. Abel "I wanted to be a reality TV star" Maldonado is apparently into pot. He's got cannabis (er, hemp) growing on property in both Santa Barbara and SLO counties! I'll give you one chance to guess the county that he's in trouble with.

Give up? Aww, you guessed it? Yes, it's SLO County.

Well, it is a 30-acre grow of unlicensed suspicious looking greenery that he swears is hemp, you know, for research purposes. According to SLO County Code Enforcement Supervisor Art Trinidade, that shit needs to be tested, you know, chemically. That's apparently the only way to determine whether the Maldonados are getting into the textile-making business or the stoner-making business.

Either way, the large plot of whatever variety of cannabis—newsflash: hemp and pot are both part of the cannabis family—the Maldonados are dabbling in with both feet needs to at least be licensed by the state.

Mr. Maldonado, who didn't return any inquiries from New Times and whose voicemail box was full (seriously?), told the Santa Barbara Independent all about the measly 4 acres in Santa Barbara County that he's leasing out to grow medical cannabis. It's licensed by both the state and the county because Santa Barbara passed pot legislation that people can actually work with.

Only geniuses would see a problem so clearly! Δ

The Shredder has genius running through his blood. Send ideas and comments to shredder@newtimesslo.com.

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