The Shredder tells students everything they need to know to fit into SLO Town 

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Welcome to college! It's your gateway to an overpriced degree, a soul-sucking "career," a ball-and-chain mortgage, and your best years of working for "the man" under the guise of the so-called "American Dream" that's really a lifetime of servitude made slightly less horrible by your ability to buy a new BMW every few years and a few tropical vacations slathered in expensive cocktails. Oh, and your sweet 80-inch TV. Numb that mind!

Since you're here, and since college will be the last chance for you to be an irresponsible, self-centered tool before you face the music of "real life," let's get a few things straight. Nobody who lives in SLO County likes you. We all think you're entitled, clueless fools living off mommy and daddy's dime.

Oh sure, we'll smile and appreciate the "energy" and economic boost you bring to the area ... until you piss us off. Then we'll get vindictive on your asses. We'll have the cops crawling all over your rundown, overpriced, out-of-code rental faster than you can say, "noise ordinance." So, let's start with some basics.

Don't barf on your neighbor's lawn. Just don't. In fact, if you're stumbling around drunk trying to figure out where your house is or where your friend's house is, stop. Sit on the curb. Call someone who cares about you. Have them pick you up. Ask around. Almost every local has a story about some drunk-ass college kid walking in their front door and screaming, "Where's my friend Joey. Joey! I know you're in here!" He's not. You've got the wrong house, jackass.

If you're the unlucky sap who gets the "call" to pick up Drunky McDrunkerpants, please be sober. Yes, California has a "911 Good Samaritan Law" (AB 472) that protects from prosecution under-aged drinkers seeking help for someone incapacitated ... to a point!

Obviously, if your friend is passed out drunk or high and may be in distress but you're underage and have been drinking too and don't want to get in trouble, you must call 911 anyway, moron. But the Good Samaritan Law won't help you if you supplied or sold the drugs, or forcibly administered them (Roofie, anyone?), or if you're driving (What's wrong with you? Jesus!), or if you're on parole or probation (Starting young, eh?).

How about you all just learn your limit, which is super low because you're a little baby drinker. Don't worry. You'll eventually pickle your liver over the course of your long, dreary career. It's not a race, pre-gamer.

Here are a few other basics: Bring your freaking trashcans in after collection day. Don't let them sit on the curb for days on end. And guess what? Your ratty couch isn't supposed to be on your front porch (or lawn or roof). There are actual laws against that, and after you've pissed off your neighbor by barfing on her lawn, you can bet your ass she'll be reporting you every time you fart too loud.

And hey, newsflash! Locals want to park, too, and in some neighborhoods that's pretty near impossible, in part because some of you cheap bastards don't want to pay for a campus parking pass, so you park your super-safe Volvo ("Thanks for nothing, mom and dad! I wanted a Mustang.") in an already crowded neighborhood by campus and walk in. Jesus H. Christ! Take the freaking bus! It's free with your college ID.

Are you driving around town? Guess what, Speed Racer, you're not a demon on wheels, and you don't know where the hell you're going. Learn the one-way streets downtown. Look out for pedestrians. If you're walking, obey the laws. Don't cross on a red light or jaywalk. There might be an idiot college kid driving too fast who will hit and kill you. Also, don't walk drunk on the railroad tracks near campus. You'll be killed.

Here's another thing, and it's important: The police have nothing better to do than to hassle you. Sure, they might have to hassle a homeless person or pull over a soccer mom who failed to use her turn signal once in a while, but they have a lot of time to follow up on that noise complaint, to stop a stumbling kid for a drunk-in-public check, or to pull you over for riding your bike at night without a light (Seriously, get a light. You're invisible!).

Finally, as a collegiate bonus note, it's time for you to realize that the Kahoot! theme song is the most annoying collection of organized sounds in the universe, and it must die. If you must use Kahoot! in your Comms presentation, turn the sound down ... or off. It's literally horrible, and its "composer" Alf Inge Wang—a professor in the Norwegian University of Science and Tech's Department of Computer Science—should be forbidden from ever making "music" again.

OK, good luck out there, and stay off my damn lawn! Δ

The Shredder is already fed up. Send your whiny complaints to [email protected].