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The real victims 

Have you ever played "Would You Rather"? It doesn't really matter, because it's happening. Ready? OK!

Would you rather forget a government-issued gun in a public bathroom or tell your mom that you got her car stolen? I wouldn't rather, but I do know someone who we can ask! Quick, let's do another one.

Would you rather tell the public about the missing gun because you're a top law enforcement official and need to find your weapon or learn that a naked lady was found in your car 300-plus miles away from where it was stolen?

San Luis Obispo Police Chief Deanna Cantrell can totally tell us! She's experienced both. The only problem is, we can't ask her! Apparently, she's irritated that the San Luis Obispo Tribune reported on that whole getting her car stolen thing, and she wouldn't really talk to them about it.

"She questioned why the theft of her personal vehicle was newsworthy," The Trib wrote. "'I'm the victim of a crime,' she said."

Well, Deanna, aside from the whole (and very recent) leaving your gun at El Pollo Loco, sending officers to search the home of someone who didn't have the gun and arresting them for child endangerment instead, and recommending that the SLO County District Attorney's Office file criminal charges against the dude who actually did pick up the gun you left by the toilet, the police chief's car getting stolen is totally news.

Because you're the police chief. Duh!

The DA's Office, in an unusual display of doing the right thing, declined to prosecute the gun-finder, by the way. Mind blown.

And on top of all of that, for the last several months, Deanna, your social media accounts have been full of "Lock It or Lose It" posts. Property crime was up slightly from 2017 to 2018, so you and your police department started to put the word out: If you don't want to get your car stolen, lock it and make sure nothing of value is in sight!

"Property crimes are a significant issue within the city and throughout the state," you, Deanna, said in a May 2019 press release. "Smart approaches and education continue to be primary ways to prevent crime. We continually remind community members to 'Lock It or Lose It' and the importance of removing personal items from vehicles."

It seems ironic, then, that officers suspect that a key may have been visible inside the car—even if it was your son who was using the car. Apparently, he didn't get the message.

But now he knows! Lock it or lose it, man.

Ready for another would you rather? OK!

Would you rather pay $2.5 million to repair a building that's been allowed to fall into disrepair and overrun with critters and crawlers or evict all of the people living in your 54-unit apartment complex? Well, Grand View Apartments owners Ebrahim and Fahimeh Madadi would rather do the latter.

They might be the literal defition of slumlords. And get this: Documents responding to a lawsuit their tenants filed against them due to the shit conditions at Grand View claim that the 70-something-year-olds had no idea about the squalor their tenants were living in until they got sued. They were shocked. Shocked!

What? Mind blown.

So, the owners had no idea about the multiple code compliance complaints lodged against them over the last several years? Or the fact that tenants have said they were forced to pay for repairs to their apartments? Or the fact that tenants have also said they weren't getting their deposits back because they are being accused of causing the ceilings to fall apart, faucets to drip, and cockroaches to infest the walls?

WTF guys?

Do these owners live under a rock? Just collecting that rent money and ignoring everything else. Meanwhile, they've been handing out notices to vacate like crappy generic hard candy (not the good stuff, like the Werther's Original Hard Candies® that my g-ma keeps on her piano), which Stephanie Barclay, who's representing Grand View tenants in the lawsuit, said is a violation of a May court order! That court order also stipulates that the owners can't collect rent from their tenants until the issues get fixed.

The owners are claiming that not collecting rent is the reason they have to close up shop and kick out their tenants. They don't have the money to fix up the place (which they should have kept fixed up in the first place). Without rent, they can't pay the bills. And if they can't pay the bills, they have to go out of business! Those poor owners!

Geez people, it's like you've got PG&E's corporate board running your apartment complex.

You know the saga: Don't maintain transmission lines, cause some major wildfires, jack up the rates on your customers, and then file for bankruptcy because you can't afford to pay for all of the damage you caused. Poor PG&E!

Meanwhile, we've got guerrilla bike crusaders in SLOtown installing toilet plungers along bike lanes to prove a point! Would you rather hit a toilet plunger or a bike rider?

Answer: toilet plunger!

And cars definitely did hit those toilet plungers, so maybe it's time we did something to protect the city's bike riders. Just a thought. Δ

The Shredder would rather rant than rave. Send comments to shredder@newtimesslo.com.

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