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What if the super contentious election for San Luis Obispo County's 4th District Board of Supervisors' seat came down to the flip of a coin?

Believe it or not, that could actually happen if there's a tie. It's written into the election code. And there could actually be a tie.

The pendulum swing of the majority on the county's Board of Supervisors could come down to a coin toss!

Mind. Blown.

We can get the coin specially made out of wine, strawberry tops, and cannabis shake from South County with a little Oceano Dunes dust sprinkled in for good measure. Then a local, unbiased (hah!) third party artist can stencil Jimmy Paulding's fresh face on one side, and Lynn Compton's incumbent face on the other. Recently re-elected county Clerk-Recorder Tommy Gong can flip it while standing in the spot that will someday far in the future, maybe, hold the Nipomo Skate Park. Then, no matter whose face lands on top, everybody whose candidate lost will scream bloody murder that it's a freakin' conspiracy, man!

Listen, kids. Not every unfair thing in this world was created by a cabal of mischievous evildoers who don't have the same ideology as you. I mean, maybe that's the way it is for most things, but not every thing. Even Fox News knows when to call a dick-tater a dictator.

If you South County voters would get your ideologies lined up, we wouldn't be in this mess. You guys apparently can't decide whether you're more Tea Party than Progressive down there (because everything in the middle has apparently been erased from the American political system), so we're waiting for the slow hand count of remaining and potentially contested ballots. Ballots that weren't filled out correctly (Seriously!? It's bubbles. We've been filling those in since elementary school.), signatures that don't match up with what was turned in at the time the voter registered (face palm), and unsigned ballots (read directions, people!)!

And then we will most likely have to wait through a recount, for which Jimmy's already fund fishing because he's unofficially down by 81 votes out of the more than 17,000 ballots that have been counted so far.

But if it's even-Steven and you're feeling cagey about the coin-flip thing, there are other options. For instance, eight years ago, it was a deck of cards that chose who would sit on the San Miguel Community Services District board. Aces high, twos low, who comes out on top, nobody knows.

A 2017 Virginia legislative race came down to names on paper dropped in to a handcrafted ceramic bowl, according to NPR. A 2015 Mississippi race was decided by drawing straws. A 2012 city council race in Texas? A roll of the dice.

Not happy with those options either? I'm sure we could lobby Tommy to do something a bit more exciting. Beauty contest? I mean South County does have the two best looking options as far as Board of Supervisors candidates go. The rest of the county really needs to pull themselves together.

Come on! It'll be fun.

We can figure out who wears the best American Flag-themed eveningwear and what their favorite day of the year is. And just because the Miss America Pageant got rid of the swimsuit competition doesn't mean we have to.

Cage match? Quick draw? Staring contest? Might go to Lynn.

ATV race around the dunes? Design competition? Recreational cannabis smoke-out? Maybe Jimmy.

Actually, forget recreational. Let's talk about medical cannabis, first. You know, the thing that's been legal for 20-plus years and is still a hot mess.

But we don't have to leave South County for this one. Instead we can zoom in on Arroyo Grande, home to a very fickle City Council and city staff that can't be bothered to make right what it has done oh so wrong.

Elite Care Enterprises, which the city permitted in 2017 to provide medical marijuana delivery services to its residents, can no longer do so. The city wrote a letter to the California Bureau of Cannabis Control saying Elite Care was no longer authorized to operate in the city. You know how Elite Care found this out? After the state notified the delivery service that it had revoked its license. Wow, guys! You couldn't tell Elite Care before you sent a note to the state? That's sneaky, sneaky.

It's not like Elite Care's owners are underhanded crooks from the Emerald Triangle. Cynthia Gonzalez and Tami Peluso could be your grandmas, but nicer because they won't yell at you for getting high! And it's not like Gonzalez and Peluso were trying to be tricky. They were trying to play by the rules!

The state requires licensed cannabis businesses to have a physical address. Elite Care found itself a spot to set up shop and started paying rent—but waited for city approval to move in. Instead, the city had a meltdown. It apparently believes it's OK for pot and money to be running around its streets in a rickety jalopy but not under security, lock, and key in an actual building. The city is overturning its ordinance authorizing medical marijuana delivery services to be permitted in the city and defaulting to state licensed medical delivery services. Unfortunately, Elite Care no longer has a state license. I wonder if the city will help rectify that.

Turns out AG would rather keep pot on the streets than off. Δ

The Shredder doesn't understand stupidity. Send comments to shredder@newtimesslo.com.

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