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Sweaty SLO politics 

Do you smell that? You don't even have to breathe in very deeply to catch the unpleasant odor at this time of year.

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It's the stench of San Luis Obispo's petty politics. I know, there's sort of a lingering whiff of it circulating through town during all times of the year, but the stink develops a certain depth of partisan pedantry in the run-up to every city election. Tensions are high. People indulge their annoying self-righteous tendencies. Residents revel in the pleasures of talking shit.

And with Instagram stories on political point this year, no one even needs to bitch to a second rate "local" blog. You just make up the news yourself and post it so your followers can be as upset as you are!

It's so easy to catch up on the shade that's being tossed around like no one you don't like is listening. Nobody likes New Times these days, and we're definitely listening—or reading or watching or swiping!

Like we would miss out on drama?! We absolutely would not.

For instance, I stirred the pot (When don't I?) by misspelling a name last week because it means that I don't care about the truth! Turns out Holly Holliday spells her last name with a double l. And for that, I'm sorry. But my offer still stands, Holliday, you need to #showmetheletter.

SLO City Council candidate Abrianna Torres dished about a certain "concerned" city resident who tattled on her outdoor community workouts and basketball clinics, which were apparently unpermitted. The city shut it down! So, naturally, she complained to her Insta followers about it.

"How sad it is that someone had some spare time and took the time to go to the city and report that I was in the park encouraging people to stay physically healthy, mentally healthy, and involved the local city government," she spoke into her cellphone camera. "Was it you?"

Sounds like the work of a "Karen" to me, but apparently Torres doesn't believe that irate entitled white ladies who tattle on people of color minding their own business in parks live in SLO, so maybe it was just a "Jim," "Leslie," or "Bob." We need video proof to know for sure. It's the only way.

It wasn't me, because I hate people who tattle. The yellers who get pissed off when a store they walk into isn't following strict mask guidelines or get irate when a store is following mask guidelines and asks them to do the same. It's the same type of person. Petty, angry, self-righteous, and ready to complain to anybody who will listen.

Oh, the humanity! Can you believe it? My rights have been trampled on!

Literally, you can go someplace else to conduct your business—anywhere else.

But also, as a SLO City Council candidate, shouldn't Torres be following city rules? Or is law-and-order supporter Torres only pro-enforcement when it comes to punishing protesters?

Plus, isn't she a SLOcal? Has she not been paying attention all of these years? The city of SLO has always been petty and not sorry about it—like at all. It's got a creepy reputation to uphold!

Let's take the last city election, for instance.

There was the Great Bicycle Caper of 2018 when CalCoastNews posted a story about Mayor Heidi Harmon in the run-up to her second win as the city's head honcho: "Bicycle advocate, leader or hypocrite?" The story recounted anonymous and creepy sources who basically stalked the mayor around the city and documented four occasions when Harmon got inside a vehicle (gasp)! It's proof that Harmon doesn't practice what she preaches when it comes to bicycles!

Then there was the Significant Sign Debacle of 2018 that came about a month or so later. Yes, it was about campaign yard signs and involved code enforcement complaints from supporters of Harmon's opponent, T. Keith Gurnee. Allegations of city ordinance violations screamed into the city about the size of Harmon's signs! Turns out, the city's sign ordinance violates the First Amendment, according to the Supreme Court of the United States (RIP RBG. We love you.).

And pettiness extends past city limits into the county. We've currently got dueling petitions out there about whether the Oceano Dunes State Vehicular Recreation Area should open again to vehicles. And no surprises here, the off-roading crowd is totally kicking the environmentalists' asses. In a fight, I'd put my money on the conservative yahoos with guns and big trucks. Just saying. But also, what the hell is signing a petition going to do?

No need to actually vote or attend a government meeting to have your voice heard! Just sign a change.org petition! It makes everything better. It fixes all.

People want to "Open up tattooing in San Luis Obispo County" (638 supporters), "Keep San Luis Obispo County Beaches Open" (130 supporters), and a "San Luis Obispo County Rent Freeze and Mortgage Freeze NOW" (6,182 supporters). Wow, those all-caps really emphasize that it needs to happen right this second. That petition's been up since March. How's that mortgage freeze coming guys?

Let's start some petitions: "Torres Tattletale should come forward NOW," and "Give Torres a park workout permit NOW."

Either way community workout-goers shouldn't fear, Torres told her Insta followers, "We'll get sweaty together again soon." Δ

The shredder is feeling petty and sweaty. Send comments to shredder@newtimesslo.com.

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