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Suck on that! 

Gather around children and let uncle Shred tell you a story. It’s a story of intrigue and laughter and of our state government rigging the election system like they’re betting on a fucking horse.

In this story everyone’s just as guilty as the ones they point their crooked fingers at with perfectly manicured nails. Gov. Arnold “screw you all, I’m out this year anyway” Schwarzenegger is just the tip of the iceberg floating in the bottomless sea that used to be California. (I guess we’re all the poor penguins that keep slipping off and getting wolfed down by killer whales.)

First the Democrats got all huffy and denied Abel Maldonado from being picked as Arnie’s lap dog, I mean, lieutenant governor, back in February. It’s not that they gave a crap whether he was qualified for the job, because the only requirement is the ability to wear a suit and nod approvingly at your boss. The real reason they snubbed Maldonado is actually quite sweet: They didn’t want to lose Maldonado because he’s one of the only Republicans known to get in line with their budgets. And they probably knew that if they sent him upstairs it would open up his seat early and give the Republicans a chance to swoop in. Sam Blakeslee’s been waiting anxiously like a dog jumping at the door to get out and pee. He’s got the name recognition and an early—read piss-poor turnout—election would likely swing the odds further in his favor. And the Dems would have almost no time to put together a candidate. (They put together John Laird just in time. I think there’s some sort of candidate Play Doh machine they squeeze these guys from.)

Then Arnie throws a fit of his own and makes the Legislature take another vote on Maldonado’s appointment. So the Dems finally bend over and give Maldonado his prize … and maybe a cookie. But they did it just in time for it to be too late for Arnie to squeeze a special election in with the primary. Then Arnie was like, “Ah helllll nah!” So he ordered another special election two weeks after the primary, which is going to stack the odds back in the Republicans’ favor—and really stick it to all the poor county saps who have to conduct an election for which almost no one will show up.

“Point, set, match. Suck on that California!”

And after all the political bickering and schoolyard bullshit, we get stuck paying for it. Maldonado and Blakeslee, being fiscally conservative local representatives, should be throwing a holy fit over this waste of time and money. They’re supposed to represent the people but they’re too busy protecting they’re own bottom line to call bunk on this unholy fiasco. Instead they’ve chosen to sit quietly and subserviently by Arnie’s side, licking his hand so each time he slaps the public in the face, it also feels like taking a loogie on the cheek.

At the end of the day they’re not going to spout off against this abomination of an election, but that doesn’t mean we can’t annoy them. Here are a few numbers you might want to call.

Schwarzenegger’s spokesman, a snide little twerp named Aaron McLear: (916) 445-4571. Blakeslee: 549-3381 or (916) 319-2033. Maldonado: (916) 445-8994.

Actually, I used to think Arnie was a truly manipulative puppeteer until I discovered he changed his mind on the Tranquillon Ridge offshore oil project. Now I realize he’s just a lunatic. The T-Ridge project was likely part of the reason John Garamendi, who voted against the project at the State Lands Commission, bailed from the lieutenant governor post. Now, with the Gulf of Mexico slowly turning into the world’s biggest tar pit, the governor’s suddenly had a holy-crap epiphany.

“Dees things can esplode?” he must of thought in that Austrian accent I’m convinced is fake. “And ven they do, they ‘urt the little burdies and fishies?”

Yeah buddy, oilrigs are known to leak, catch on fire, or full-on detonate like a BP Fourth of July celebration. The fact that our governor was somehow unaware of the seriousness of offshore oil accidents—until he saw one of the worst in history—makes my tummy hurt. If he weren’t such a lame, lame duck at this point, I’d relish voting for any pipsqueak who would run against him.

In the spirit of hopefully screwing politicians’ chances at winning an election, I was forwarded a press release from one of our reporters who was forwarded said release from someone else who got it from Assembly candidate Matt Kokkonen. I guess Kokkonen’s not sending me stuff directly anymore; neither are candidates Katcho Achadjian or Fred Strong. There’s little to say other than they all have praised Arizona’s anti-immigration law—Kokkonen thinks it should be a model for California. This is the law that gives police the authority to pull someone over for nothing other than being brown not white. The law’s getting ripped apart by constitutionalists and anyone with the slightest sense of moral decency, but not these guys.

In other election news, the Deputy Sheriffs Association (is it “Sheriff’s or Sheriffs or Sheriffs’? Pick something and stick with it guys) endorsed candidate for sheriff Ian Parkinson, the SLO cop. This might be good for Parkinson if not for the fact that the DSA no longer represents the deputy sheriffs after they split off earlier this year into their own union because they were sick of the DSA leadership, namely Dale Strobridge. For those keeping track, the new union that actually represents deputies is the Association of San Luis Obispo County Deputy Sheriffs, or ASLO, which is a horrific acronym.

A few years ago a DSA endorsement was on par with knighthood for a candidate. Lately it’s more like getting the endorsement of your grade-school principal.

After this week, I just give up. Reach me at the shredder@newtimesslo.com..

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