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So freakin' cute! 

You know what's cute? Well, other than my big, shiny derrière and the clickity-clack of my little keys.

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The new name of the state agency in charge of regulating mineral extraction. It used to be the Division of Oil, Gas, and Geothermal ResourcesDOGGR for short—which is also cute, but a little too accurate, since the agency's been in the doghouse since 2013 for kow-towing to the oil and gas industry rather than protecting the state from those who profit from sucking up all of its precious resources!

Now, thanks to legislation from Assemblymember Monique Limón (D-Santa Barbara), we can now call that state agency CalGEM (Geologic Energy Management Division)!

Get it?? Gem. It's so freaking cute I just want to die!

Well, actually, we can't officially call it that until Jan. 1, 2020. But Gov. Gavin Newsom's administration is already calling it CalGEM. Because it's so goddamn cute. OK?

The administration lauded the name change in a Nov. 19 press release from the California Department of Conservation in which he also lauded Limón's bill. Assembly Bill 1057 also "strengthened" CalGEM's mission "to protect public health and safety while safegaurding the environment."

This adorable little press release also leaned on the bill as the reason for the really big announcement of the day, which was a temporary moratorium on new permits for "high pressure extraction practice" for oil wells. Whatever the hell that means.

New Times couldn't really get a direct answer from anybody, because everyone was trying to figure out what the hell that means, too. Hydraulic fracturing? Definitely. Cyclic steam injection? Yes, we think? Well, the Western States Petroleum Association, said that it was only high pressure steam injection—but not low pressure steam injection. But, they're still trying to figure out what the hell the difference is.

Press releases! Amirite? Sheesh. They only tell you what the messenger thinks you ought to know. Think about that, my avid @realDonaldTrump Twitter followers.

A spokesperson from the Department of Conservation simply said that about 5 percent of the barrels of oil produced in California come from the kind of high-pressure cyclic steaming that will be impacted by this moratorium. Thanks for clearing that right up. The California Independent Petroleum Association seemed pretty certain that this little news tidbit won't affect the Arroyo Grande Oil Field. Sorry to burst your bubbles out there, all of you Sentinel Peak Resource haters! My condolences.

Meanwhile, Limón's bill didn't call for any moratoriums, but Newsom's extrapolating, ya know? Leaning on that good ol' executive power as any ol' California governor or, cough, cough, President of the United States is wont to do.

Assemblymember Jordan Cunningham (R-San Luis Obispo) decried Newsom's move as "executive overreach."

State Sen. Bill Monning (D-Carmel) told New Times the governor was well within his power.

So, what if it was a Republican governor who used executive power to completely deregulate the oil industry? Would those statements be switched around? Everything is so freaking political! God. There's nothing delightful about that.

There's also nothing delightful about what's going on in Paso Robles. It seems like nobody gives a crap about all of these tenants who are about to get kicked out of the Grand View Apartments. You know what those good-for-nothing owners did this time? The city ordered them to fumigate the property and all of the tenant's belongings by Nov. 4.

Yeah, you guessed it. They didn't do it.

Now, they're promising to get it all wrapped up by Dec. 9. But guess what?

Some of the tenants will already have been evicted by then. And, according to the tenants' attorney, potential landlords are refusing to rent to former tenants if they bring furniture they had in their apartments at Grand View! Because of all of the pests they could bring with them. Because of the squalor that they've been forced to live in at Grand View. How's that for a kick while you're down?

Geez. These people can't catch a break.

But you know who can catch a break. California State Parks. Every freakin' time they don't hit a deadline for the Oceano Dunes State Vehicular Recreation Area, the regulatory agency kind of looks at them dead in the eyes and says: "Don't let this happen again!" And then, it inevitably happens again. Why wouldn't it? They've got a streak decades long! Why would that change now?

The U.S. Department of Fish and Wildlife has been waiting on a habitat conservation plan for years and years to save the snowy plovers. The California Coastal Commission has been hassling State Parks to fix all of its dainty little (OK, giant) permit compliance issues for years.

But you know who's sick of this crap? The SLO County Air Pollution Control Board (APCD). After a public workshop was canceled because State Parks missed yet another deadline—well, technically, State Parks did submit the dust mitigation work plan it was supposed to, twice (one missed the deadline), but APCD Officer Gary Willey called them "grossly inadequate."

Ooh. Sick burn, Gary!

Now the APCD' is ordering State Parks to close off 48 more acres to off-roading among other things, which is cute, considering that the park is thought to be polluting all of the land around it.

The Shredder still thinks you're cute when you're mad. Send comments to shredder@newtimesslo.com.

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