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Strap in, everybody. It's time for another episode of Local Politics. In one corner, we have all the conservatives running for nonpartisan positions, and in the other corner we have all the liberals running for nonpartisan positions. Why do we bother with the nonpartisan ruse, eh? It's us against them, from Assembly member to supervisor and on down to dogcatcher. I don't know about you, but I wouldn't want libtards catching my dog and trying to "groom" him or teach him Critical Breed Theory.

Let's start with the SLO County Supervisors and the 2nd District, where incumbent Bruce "Ha-Ha I Owned the Conservetards" Gibson is facing off against Geoff "I'm a Regulation Un-Doer" Auslen and two other Republicans too afraid to talk to New Times: Bruce "Scaredy Cat" Jones and Col. John "I'm Ignoring You" Whitworth.

Gibson recently braved North County radio station KPRL and its conservative talk show program Sound Off to challenge host Jaime Umphenour's false narrative that that he can't win over North County voters now that his district has been gerrymandered and includes conservatives.

"Nobody who listens to that radio station is going to vote for me anyway," Gibson said. "I'm very relaxed about being in that setting because I can just be me and tell them what I really think."

"Really think"? Um, does that mean you usually dissemble? Bruce scores the first gaff of the political season! Slow. Clap. Fun fact: Bruce has $106,358 in his fundraising coffer.

His trio of conservative rivals cumulatively have $183,874! Whoa! But since about $80,000 of that is in the form of loans to their own campaigns—wait, why is that even legal? Oh yeah, buying elections is a "thing" in the good ol' USA. Go 'Merica!

If there's no majority winner in the 2nd District primary—and with three Republicans running they're bound to split the conservative vote—we'll probably see Bruce facing off against one of these dudes. For fun's sake, let it be "constitutional conservative" Col. Whitworth! Hoorah!

Over in the 3rd District, it's Dawn "Compromise with Me Even Though I'm in the Minority" Ortiz-Legg vs. Stacy "I Didn't Storm the Capitol, Wink-Wink" Korsgaden (and Arnold "Emotional Support Rabbit" Ruiz, a snappy-dressing, impossible-to-contact retiree).

This one's a doozy, and it's the reason why the suckers in the former 2nd District who've been gerrymandered into the 3rd District will essentially have no say in their representation until 2024 (a six-year gap between votes); meanwhile those moved from the 3rd to the 4th will get to vote for two representatives this year. Ain't politics fun?

The gloves are certainly off between Dawn and Stacy. Dawn thinks the current conservative board majority should compromise with her even though they have all the power: "To try to find a negotiation, a collaboration, an ability to moderate and compromise—I'm always willing to do that," she said. "But it's usually met with a 'no,' so that's a little frustrating."

Call the wah-mbulance, why don'tcha?

As for Stacy, who traveled to D.C. on Jan. 6, 2021, for Donald "Big Lie" Trump's rally held before the Capitol Insurrection (which she did not participate in, she says), she was only there to "question my government" over concerns about the 2020 election that Trump lost like a big loser.

Stacy also defended off-roading on the Oceano Dunes by calling it "our Hearst Castle in South County." I see the similarities. One is a world-renowned historical attraction that brings in around $16 million a year and includes priceless artworks, and the other is an environmentally destructive activity that maybe brings in around $2.5 million and includes sand, gas fumes, dust, and occasional death.

Pretty clear choice here, eh? A vote between the naïve dreamer and the conspiracy theorist and false analogist. That old dude who brings his pet rabbit to his political appearances is looking better every minute. Ruiz, was it?

In 2018, just 60 votes separated 4th District incumbent Lynn "Drown Government in a Bathtub" Compton and her opponent Jimmy "Does 'Jimmy' Make Me Sound Like a 12-Year-Old" Paulding, and now they're poised for a rematch.

Lynn brags about ignoring "what experts say" in favor of representing her constituents, which Jimmy sees as capitulating to the loudest squeaky wheel and increasing partisanship.

Meanwhile in the race for state Assembly, which current 35th District representative and conservative Jordan "I'm Outta Here" Cunningham decided to not run for now that redistricting has made it more liberal, we have Dawn "Grassroots" Addis vs. John "Eyeball Twitching" Wizard, who are at the financial fundraising lead of a pack of Democrats.

"We're running two very different campaigns," Wizard said. "Dawn's got a $60,000 independent expenditure from the Charter School Association, but then she's taking money from the California Teachers Association, talking about how she's getting grassroots contributions, but then she's taking $60,000 from the charter school lobby! If I hear grassroots one more time from her, my eyeball's going to start twitching."

Say it, Dawn! Say it! Δ

The Shredder is disenfranchised and sad. Send dog (and rabbit) photos to [email protected].