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Shop till you drop 

I'm going to say it again. You're all a bunch of hypocrites. A brood of vipers. A field of whitewashed sepulchers, whatever that means.

You whined for years that you didn't want a Costco in town. You stormed and fumed. You cried like babies with wet diapers.

Then the new big-box corporate-chain discount store flung its doors open and you wet yourselves all over again and tripped on your own feet in your hurry to get inside. At least that's what I hear. I wasn't there myself, because I'm true to my principles. I'm a being of impeccable moral convictions. My sepulcher is whatever color it's supposed to be besides white.

Also, my car was in the shop and I couldn't get a ride.

From what I gather, the opening was so huge it filled up the Costco parking lot and the Home Depot lot next door. It was so fun, people were driving here from Santa Maria. It was such an important event, the pope showed up to bless the low, low prices and fabulous savings.

Some of my sources might have been exaggerating. Or I might have misheard them. It was hard to make out what they were saying as they mumbled through mouthfuls of free samples and cranked up the volume on their new high-definition TVs.

After all, why would His Holiness make an appearance for you? Bunch of turncoats. The few remaining proud and pure city residents would raise a cry against you sell-outs, but they're too busy clawing at the knife in their backs. Et tu, San Luis Obispo?

You Benedict Arnolds. You Judas Iscariots. The very last circle in hell is reserved for traitors like them. Like you.

Like me.

I just got a coupon in the mail that knocks $10 off any Fox DVD at Costco, and I've been saving up for "The Simpsons" season 6 boxed set. Looks like it's my luck day. Good thing I look great in white.


Make a wish

County Supervisor Shirley Bianchi is about ready to split like a wishbone. Pro-sewer supporters in Los Osos are tugging her one way. Anti-sewer supporters are yanking her the other. I hope they remember to put down a tarp or something.

Really, both sides are pulling like whoever ends up with the bigger piece gets one wish granted. My advice to the winner: Be sure to enunciate. We've all heard that joke about the man who met a hard-of-hearing genie and wound up with a 12-inch pianist.

The pro-sewer, pro-CSD, anti-recall folks have their half of Shirley explaining why a recall would be a bad idea. There she is on the radio, broadcasting her official stance that delays and fines are bad, so everyone should just leave everything the way it is. No muss, no fuss. No recall.

The anti-sewer, anti-CSD, pro-recall folks have their half of Shirley speaking in sound bites from meetings about how impossible it is to work with the CSD. Steve Senet, a CSD hopeful in the running, plays clips of Shirley saying that the current CSD is bad government making bad decisions. Sounds like some muss, a bit of fuss. Recall's not out of the question.

Has anyone considered that maybe both sides are right? Maybe Shirley thinks that the CSD is doing a crappy job, but she also doesn't want a recall. It's not the most flattering theory out there, but it's not out of the question, especially in backwater Los Osos. They don't even have a Costco.


This place is a dump

I finally figured out that all those bright orange bags of trash on the side of Highway 101 weren't because of some Caltrans strike. But just when I was starting to wonder whether they were part of some public art installation made by a crazy guy, like the one who wraps islands in cellophane and hangs banners in Central Park, Caltrans came along and said it was finishing up its "Don't Trash California" campaign. The whole mess was a ploy to make me consider my own littering problem.

Well, hey buddy. You think I've got a littering problem? A problem? I can quit any time I want. Yeah. Anytime I want. It's not a problem. I just enjoy a little littering every now and then. Is that a crime?

Okay, yes, it's a crime. But I can quit any time I want.

In the meantime, I saved myself a trip to the dump and tossed a moth-eaten old armchair of mine onto the pile. Thanks for the help, Caltrans.


More at 11

New Times got wind that the cast and crew of VH1's "The Surreal Life" would produce KSBY's Action News at 6:30 on Sept. 22. The players this time around include a Playboy TV cover girl, the guy who played George Jefferson, the lead singer of Smashmouth, and Mrs. Brady herself, Florence Henderson. In other words, the broadcast will feature a bunch of semi-celebrities who don't know a thing about the area trying to present the news.

Regular KSBY viewers shouldn't notice much of a difference.

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