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Poop and politics 

"We've been fired," murmured someone at a recent meeting in Arroyo Grande.

No, it wasn't a response to tweets announcing the latest round of cuts to ridiculously short-lived subservient presidentially nominated national cabinet secretaries. Although, it's pretty close.

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The Arroyo Grande City Council had just announced the dissolution of three commissions that serve as its advisory bodies. The murmurer was one of several volunteers who have spent their time listening to community members speak their minds as members of the Traffic Commission, Parks and Recreation Commission, and Historical Resources Committee. All three were cut to save $30,000 in staff time, because of the $900,000 shortfall the city is facing.

Every $1,000 counts, right?!

Plus, City Manager Jim Bergman told the council that all of those commissions were created before the internet took over the world. (That damn technological advance ruined everything!) It was a good way to get input from the community and inform them about what's going on. Now we have social media and email—those great harbingers of factual discussion and productive communication. Who needs actual face time anymore, you know what I'm sayin'?

Well, yeah, but Kenneth Price, who sits on the Traffic Commission told council members that the first he'd heard about the potential move was when New Times called him for comment. Umm, that's a little absurd. Maybe he didn't get the email notice you sent him, Bergman?

"This is kind of like being dumped by your boyfriend when you're not ready," said Shirley Gibson, soon to be ex-girlfriend/member of the Historical Resources Committee.

I mean, breaking up via text message or email is the actual worst thing a human being can do. Maybe she didn't get the message either?

You know who else didn't get the message? Our "Hillarious" friend SLO County 3rd District Supervisor Adam "I forgot we approved a code of conduct" Hill. He keeps trying to break up with Keith "T-bone" Gurnee over email—and it continues to bite him in the ass.

Adam! I feel like we've had this conversation before. But, like a good Shredder, I'll be consistent with my poking fun until you get the big picture. Stop emailing, texting, Facebook messaging constituents when you're all mad 'n' shit. It's rule No. 1 of politicking like a boss—although it is funny, but not in the way that you think it's funny!

In the email that our mutual friend "the minx" shared with us, you tell your platonic friend T-Bone that you love him, but not in that way. Gosh, I feel like I've written about that before. Oh yeah, it was last November. In the ensuing months, the Board of Supervisors passed a code of conduct and signed a code of civility.

I guess you forgot about that when you sent that reply email to Gurnee.

"Now that you're a Democrat, you'll find more tolerance and acceptance," Hill wrote to his favorite little minx. "I'm here for you."

Except, the level of acceptance, Gurnee received at a recent SLO Progressives Club meeting could be described as aggressively non-tolerant. And, you were one of the leaders of the pack that was distinctly anti-Gurnee.

Oh wait! You were being sarcastic when you emailed him that eloquent work of satire. It is my favorite genre of writing, so I'll give you that, Adam, my platonic friend. If Gurnee becomes SLO's next mayor, I think his anger-baiting behavior is exactly what we can expect to consume City Council discussions. I mean, he did call Adam "one sick disgusting dude" in the email thread. Is this the best political trash talk SLO has to offer?! And I get it, you were defending fellow progressive Dem SLO Mayor Heidi Harmon from the onslaught of Gurnee's toilet-level politicking, but she's more than capable of defending herself.

Cue: mic drop.

For the next act in this shit show, someone should write a satire about the Morro Bay wastewater reclamation facility and how similar it's been to the Los Osos wastewater treatment plant. It's almost like they came from the same screenplay or something.

After five years of wasting money on countless meetings flooded with NIMBY residents who didn't want a wastewater treatment facility in their backyards—even though everybody poops!—the Morro Bay City Council passed the final environmental impact review on the 17th iteration of the proposed plant. The cost of the project ballooned from $100 million in year 1 to $126 million in year 5. Now that's democracy in action.

Are we to expect the same sort of continuing debate that came out of Los Osos? You know the kind; public opinion from loud and squeaky wheels (cough, cough, Julie Tacker, Richard Margetson, Jeff Edwards) that debilitates every decision that has to do with the project, stretching it out to an intolerable length and cost.

I can already feel a heated discussion about rate increases to pay for the state-required facility coming on. All you have to do is check out our opinion section for the last few weeks. I think sometimes people forget that their poop has to go somewhere, just like the money needed to build their poop disposal factory also has to come from somewhere.

If you cut corners on that, then you'll be trying to clean your raw sewage in your backyard. I don't know about you, but I feel like public opinion on that is "hell no!" Δ

The Shredder knows that everybody can be a poopy butt sometimes. Send comments to shredder@newtimesslo.com.

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