Nerds and zombies 

I know, I know, I know. An election story squeezed into some immature geekery about zombies? It’s preposterous. How do these maniacal man and woman babies at New Times still have jobs when they’re pumping out this level of giggly pseudo journalism?

Well, election stories are really boring. It’s not to say that they have to be, but usually they are. Even when you try to give candidates an opportunity to give non-boring answers, they tend to muck it up, and that only exacerbates things.

Is the story silly? Absolutely. Relevant? Eh, mostly. Informational? Surprisingly, yes.

If you find it insulting to your intelligence, just think back to previous coverage in this and other papers that ultimately boils down to shades of blah between the candidates. Candidate Joe Schmo thinks this about this, and while candidate Schmo Joe thinks so too, Joe, on the other hand, thinks more this about that.

Think of our story as eating your vegetables. But instead of trying to shove a spoonful of spinach down your esophagus, we wrapped it in bacon and threw it into the deep fryer. It’s the county-fair approach to election coverage, but unlike most county fairs, you hopefully won’t walk away feeling nauseous and sticky.

There’s more beyond the candidates we focused on in the cover. As usual, the ballot is oozing with voter initiatives, both local and state. Here’s my summation on a select few.

• Proposition 19: This little doozy could legalize marijuana under state law, but not federal. On the plus side, it will finally shut up every pretentious stoner who thinks pot has the power to cure cancer and cause the skies to rain puppies. On the not-so-plus, if it passes, Proposition 19 will bring down a proverbial apocalypse of DEA federales. Don’t believe me? Take a look at medical marijuana, and then try to tell me this voter-inspired kiss off to the feds won’t bring on retaliation. On the plus-plus side, it’s a good kiss off and just the beginning in what should end a pointlessly misguided war on drugs.

Proposition 20: Gives a citizen commission the go-ahead to redistrict state legislative districts. With a map currently so carved up it looks like a Jackson Pollock, the so-called independent commission of five Democrats, five Republicans, and four whatever elses is claiming to finally bring the legislative boundaries into the realm of logic.

Proposition 27: Counter to 21, this one does away with the commission and puts the power back in the hands of the state Democratic Legislature, where it will surely be sliced into nifty Democratic strongholds.

Proposition 23: Undoes AB 32, the global climate change legislative thingy put forward in a rare bipartisan effort back in 2006. But this piece of douchebaggery, put forward largely by the narcissistic Texas oil scum bag duo of Valero and Tosoro, is a big whiney boo-hoo of an initiative to undo the most progressive renewable energy reform in the United States. It’s the last gasp of an oily fish that’s been washed ashore—maniacal bucket-hat-wearing a-holes like Valero sunk $3 million into the Yes on 23 campaign for newspaper ads on Oct. 21, I read on the Secretary of State’s website. A day later, they dropped another $1 million in screw-the-environment cash. On the same day, Tosoro dropped in a measly $500,000, those cheapskates. Clearly these black-blooded seal-clubbers have been financially devastated by the bill they want to undo. Not that I’m biased.

Proposition 25: Removes the two-thirds requirement to pass a state budget, but keeps the requirement for tax hikes. Passing this will give a veritable free pass to Dems, who have more than enough votes to squirt out a simple-majority budget. However, seeing as the biggest righty contention to lefty budgets has always been taxes, this proposition will probably end up a political wash if it passes.

Measure B: Prohibits medical marijuana dispensaries in Morro Bay. The measure’s drafters make the same holy-crap arguments we’ve all heard time and again: Dispensaries attract crime, it’s illegal under federal law, smoking marijuana will cause you to grow hooves and a tail. It’ll be interesting to see how Proposition 19 might affect this, and damn near shocking if anyone is still thinking about opening a dispensary in this county. Just taking a medicinal toke is about as safe as walking up to a deputy and saying, “Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah!”

Measure H: If passed, this would stop the Prado Road extension from fully extending. Measure H stands to make flaccid a project that would connect South Higuera to Broad Street via Prado Road. Critics say the project will pollute the little lungs of little ones at the Damon Garcia Sports Fields, which is stupid because Broad is right there already. It’s a ridiculous argument, because what they’re really worried about is how a veritable highway in that area would draw developers like moths to a lamp. So just come out and say that.

Now get out there and vote, you lazy bumpkins.

Vote Shredder as a write-in candidate, or send campaign contributions for a Caribbean getaway to [email protected].