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Make me a pundit 

Listen to me! Plaster my pasty, pock-ridden face on 24-hour news networks and worship every enraged word that squirms out of my mouth in large alcohol-infused yelps! I’ve been watching an inordinate amount of network TV news lately and not to toot my own horn (beep, beep), but I can rant and make stuff up with the best of these bobbling chuckleheads.


Case in point: U.S. Green Jobs Czar Van Jones. If you haven’t been glued to Fox News or other right-wing crap-churners, then you may not have heard that this guy could in fact be Satan himself. Jones, apparently, is a professed communist who also signed a petition that questions the U.S. government’s role in the Sept. 11 attacks. For those of you keeping count, that makes him a terrorist-supporting-communist-liberal in the White House.


Glenn Beck and other cackling hacks have been ripping on this guy to step down and apologize. That’s one side of the argument in mainstream news media. I think I can carve out a nice niche on the other end of the spectrum. News is supposed to be balanced, right?


Here’s my take: Jones ultimately apologized for signing the petition. What a gutless move. If that’s his position, then fine, he’s an outspoken moron among more quiet morons. Give me a politician who caters to each political correctness and a guy who takes bold, albeit stupid, positions, and I’ll go with the outspoken one every time. Almost. I’m not into Nazis.


And I’ll go you one further: Who cares, because what possible power does the green jobs czar have? Why not have a happiness czar? Or a utopia czar? Or a unicorn czar? Even if he is a communist, is that relevant anymore?


Even when the Red Scare was at its reddest and scariest, there was no substantial communist uprising. Come to think of it, that may be because we helped stomp most of the uprisings. On the other hand, the remaining communist governments—at least those with any global power—are barely communist anymore. I’m looking at you, China, though it’s hard to see you through all the smog from your profitable factories.


Speaking of propaganda: I was just reading a letter from Templeton Unified School District board member David La Rue. Here’s some of what he had to say about Barack Obama’s recent first-day-of-school speech to be broadcast to young students:


“For those classes specifically using George Orwell’s Animal Farm in their lesson plans, this would be a modern day example of the tactics outlined in the literary work. So I would suggest those teachers tape this broadcast and edit it to be used in their teachings of this subject, during that unit.”


Way to cite Orwell. Obama’s message was subtle, but still a socialist drill straight to the heads of our youth, eh? The only thing missing was a spinning hypnotic swirl behind his head and the message: “Private school bad. Public school good.” I can’t quite put my finger on it, but I seem to remember another Orwell tale. It had something to do with leaders editing history and selectively removing information as they saw fit. It ended badly, if memory serves me. Really badly. Like, double-plus-ungood badly. Maybe you can help me out, La Rue?


Support the troops—not porn


If you feel the need to purge all of this commu-socialist propaganda, there’s no shortage of flag-waving red, white, and blue-blooded hoopla to be had. Scheduled for Sept. 11 in honor of the troops, the ever-in-the-media-for-some-reason Matt Kokkonen planned to hold a sort of charity drive for the troops. Among the items he suggested people bring to ship overseas were food, jerky, and baby wipes. For female soldiers, Kokkonen suggested, you might include beauty items. Does blush come in shades of camouflage? Another suggestion was to bring “other items reminding them of Home.” (Home was intentionally capitalized.) There was only one suggestion here: “magazines (no X-rated).”


I must confess I’ve never served in the military because they apparently don’t allow convicted felons. But last I checked, soldiers like porn. So we’re OK strapping automatic weapons on soldiers and sending them across the globe, but letting them look at nudie mags is inappropriate? Maybe there’s some regulation against sending Juggs over state lines or something I don’t know about. Hey, if you can’t buy health insurance somewhere else, maybe you can’t ship porn there, either? I don’t know.


Or maybe this is just supposed to be a wholesome, family-friendly event. About war.


Get over it

   Now I don’t mean to be short-sighted or judgmental … but I am. If you’ve been watching the Board of Supervisors lately, you’ve probably heard a new voice: Andy Caldwell. He’s a radio host and property rights advocate from Santa Barbara County who’s working his way up north to thwart Planning Commissioner Sarah Christie.


Several times now, Caldwell’s gone to the supervisors and urged them to remove Christie from the Planning Commission. He cites a grand jury investigation that looked into Christie and alleged biases she has on proposed projects, namely sand and gravel mining in North County.


But the grand jury found no explicit conflicts when they examined Christie. Their recommendation was for more planning commissioner training and a stronger emphasis on biases in the training handbook. In short, an investigation does not a guilty person make. What if someone were to investigate, say, I don’t know, Andy Caldwell? I can’t confirm, but I hear he hates puppies and sunshine. Let the investigation begin!


Not to say Caldwell doesn’t have a point. Nor that Christie should be removed. Please, though, stop waving the investigation around as proof of wrongdoing. If that were the case, anybody who is somebody would be a convicted felon by now. And then none of us could serve in the military. On the bright side, though, we’d still be able to get porn.


Send the porn you can’t send to troops to I’ll also take mud-and-leaf-colored eye shadow.

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