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Make Cal Poly great again? 

Did you hear? Cal Poly students are being brainwashed by their Birkenstock-wearing, namby-pamby professors who are cruelly indoctrinating them in their commie leftist philosophies! 

I know. I know. You thought the majority of college-educated people are liberal or progressive because they understand how capitalism creates an underclass, how the U.S.—despite its famed American Dream—lacks upward mobility, especially for minorities and women, and because they understand big words like misogyny, bigotry, and xenophobia. Nope. It’s indoctrination, baby, not education. But don’t worry! Cal Poly’s College Republicans plan to fix everything with a visit by “Alt-right” hero Milo Yiannopoulos, who’s scheduled to give a talk in the university’s Spanos Theatre on Jan. 31, from 6 to 9 p.m.

“HELP US RESTORE CONSERVATIVE VALUES ON CAMPUS,” SHOUTED THE COLLEGE REPBLICANS’ WEBSITE IN ALL CAPS. WHY AM I STILL YELLING? I DON’T KNOW. Sorry about that. This conservative excitement is infectious! The club’s posting went on to claim, “We are witnessing a rapid rise in the indoctrination of college students by faculty and student groups with a progressive and leftist ideology.” 

Why, the nerve of those professors to expound on liberal ideas! It’s almost as if they’re the products of a liberal arts education themselves! You know, reading the classics, learning about the world, and becoming open-minded and tolerant—all those terrible ideas. And damn those “student groups” with their liberal tolerance, too! Damn them straight to Canada!

For his part, Milo—and I hope he doesn’t mind if I address him by his first name because we don’t have enough ink or column inches to keep typing his last—doesn’t go in for that drivel. He rants against feminism, Islam, social justice, Black Lives Matter activists, and especially political correctness

Last year, the college dropout’s university speaking series was called The Dangerous Faggot Tour, because Milo’s gay, though he calls his sexual orientation “aberrant” and claims if he could choose heterosexuality instead of the promiscuous gay sex he engages in he would. Seems like he’s totally got his head screwed on right … not! He also likes to hard-core troll those he disagrees with, which got him permanently banned from Twitter in July after he repeatedly harassed comedian Leslie Jones—no small feat!

A spokesman for SLO Solidarity, a student group that arose in opposition to bigoted statements written on the “free speech wall” erected last year by College Republicans, has vowed to protest any “violent expressions of bigotry on our campus.”

Great idea! Just don’t try to stop Milo from speaking. His odious ideas need to be aired so that Cal Poly students can decide for themselves if they want to grow up thinking they pulled themselves up by their bootstraps and that poor people and minorities are just lazy, or if they want to grow up realizing they were afforded opportunities many others aren’t and that their subsidized public college education is the result of liberal policies enacted by the state of California. Newsflash, kids! Despite rising tuition, Cal Poly is still socialism at work.

On another note, though I’m loath to return to Justin Vineyards and Winery, I feel obligated to note they’ve donated $5,000 each to 20 North County nonprofits to signal that they’re real, real sorry for that land raping thing they did by bulldozing those oak trees last year. Justin, as you’ll recall, is owned by The Wonderful Company, a privately held $4 billion dollar entity owned by Stewart and Lynda Resnick, for whom $100,000 is the equivalent of that penny you saw on the sidewalk but didn’t bother to pick up. Clap. Clap. Clap. Thanks, Resnicks.

Good news! My investment in red roses futures is safe! Progressive Bernie Sanders supporter, leader of the local Our Revolution movement, and perpetually red-rose-festooned activist Heidi Harmon has won the SLO mayor’s race. During the ballot count, she slowly overtook departing Mayor Jan Marx, eventually beating her by 47 votes! 

Now to governing! Harmon ran on a platform of creating affordable housing and controlling climate change because—you know—small town mayors have control over that stuff, amirite? I guess she could push for all new development to have a certain portion be “affordable” housing (whatever than means in SLO Town, where the median home value is $637,200). Of course, to control climate change, all that new housing would need to be LEED certified, which would make it even more expensive. Let’s see. Buildings—including houses—account for 39 percent of CO2 emissions, so if we build more, we’re adding to climate change, but if we don’t build, the housing market will tighten and become even more unaffordable.

Hmm. This is a bit of a conundrum? How can Heidi create affordable housing and limit green house gases? Oh shucks! I won’t worry my pretty little head over it! I’m sure Heidi’s got a secret plan just like Donald Trump. There’s no way she made campaign promises she can’t possibly keep. Deep breaths. Everything’s going to be fine.

Well, almost everything. I’m sure his fellow councilmembers aren’t going to miss the huffing and puffing and house-blowing-down antics of departing SLO City Councilmember John Ashbaugh, who never saw a fight he didn’t want to pick, but I will. I’ll miss you, you big blustering baby!

The Shredder is nonprofit, Resnicks (wink-wink). Send ideas and comments to shredder@newtimesslo.com.

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