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Make America Less Embarrassing Again! 

Everyone's freaking out over the Green New Deal, which will turn America into a socialist dystopia or make America great again.

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NYC Congresswoman Alexandria "Hot Damn I Can Dance" Ocasio-Cortez and Massachusetts Senator Ed "Hot Damn AOC Can Dance" Markey put forth the Green New Deal that's filled with "radical" ideas like renewable energy, living-wage jobs, and infrastructure investment.

Our 24th District Congressional Representative Salud Carbajal had the audacity to cosponsor the resolution because, he said, "I believe that climate change is one of the critical issues of our time."

Huh? You believe in science? What a rube! Hey, man, haven't you heard about the "emergency" on our Southern border?

Anyway, the local Republican Party of SLO County quickly made its displeasure known: "The RPSLO voted unanimously to reject the Democrat socialistic Green New Deal, recognizing it as a threat to our Constitutional Republic," Chair Randall Jordan stated. "It is technologically unfeasible, unnecessary, irresponsible, and a danger to the common defense, the national economy, the social fabric, and future survival of the United States as an independent nation."

Wow! Do tell!

"The Democrat Green New Deal would cut national defense by 50 percent and eliminate the use of fossil fuels," Jordan continued, as if that would be a bad thing. Um, Rando, can I call you Rando? The U.S. spends 35 percent of the total military spending worldwide! China's next at 13 percent, Saudi Arabia spends 4, Russia 3.8, India 3.7, France 3.3, the U.K. 2.7. Get my drift?

This is why we can't have nice things like universal health care, bridges that aren't about to collapse, and clean water. Sorry Flint, Michigan—not a national emergency!

Hey, I get it, Republicans. You believe in America's can-do spirit, our "exceptionalism," except when it comes to things that Canada, the U.K., France, and Germany can do, like health care for all and free higher education. You're right. There's no way we can figure out how to do health care. It's not like we're Canadians, eh? Sheesh!

This week in "colorful" SLO Mayor Heidi "How Do I Walk This Back?" Harmon news, the über-progressive lefty is vacillating about encouraging the public and "Mayors across the U.S." to "break-up" with Amazon.

Whiplash much? This is the problem with making reactionary words with your mouth before your brain has time to gather more info and process it. Let's review!

In a Feb. 5 tweet, Harmon wrote, "I am the mayor of San Luis Obispo and am leaving Amazon as a customer and want to call on other mayors to do the same," which she posted with a photo of herself cutting her Amazon Prime card.

Holy Toledo! We haven't seen this kind of bravery since Vietnam War protesters burned their draft cards and feminist protestors threw bras in trash cans!

In a statement released after Amazon's Feb. 14 back-out of building a second headquarters in NYC, Harmon doubled down, claiming Amazon is "destroying our downtowns and having a negative impact on our communities."

Damn it, Amazon! And here I thought the ridiculously overpriced rents, seismic retrofitting, and lack of parking were the reasons only bland, overpriced national retail chain stores could survive in SLO. Thanks for enlightening me, Heidster!

This whole "Amazon is destroying downtown SLO" came as news to the local Amazon-SLO headquarters (located on Pacific Street near downtown), which employs about 130 people in jobs paying as much as $100K a year. In fact, they have three software development engineer jobs posted on LinkedIn right now, in case any of you Cal Poly grads feel like staying in SLO and working in its dead-as-doornails downtown. Amazon also noted that they inject millions of dollars into the local community.

Now Harmon is hemming and hawing and having sympathy for local Amazon employees while lamenting the shift from brick-and-mortar stores to online shopping. Oh dear Heidi, I too want a vibrant downtown filled with stuff I can't order from Amazon, like drinks with friends, dinner out, and shaking my moneymaker at a sweet, sweet nightclub, but if you think overpriced downtown retailers are going to compete with Amazon's army of robots at the Amazon Fulfillment Centers, you're high on legal weed, which I'll also buy downtown as soon as the city gets around to letting a brick-and-mortar shop open?

Up in Atascadero, the real national emergency is a rise in the cost of recycling services. The A-Town City Council unanimously agreed to hike residential and commercial business rates from between $1.34 and $4.08 per month for the 32-gallon carts and a whopping $9.90 for the 3-cubic yard bin!

Wait a minute! We have to pay for trash companies to take our valuable recyclables, which they make money on? Well, yeah, because too many idiots keep "wish-cycling," or throwing away contaminated trash that recyclers can't sell to be processed in China, which took 60 percent of California's recyclables in 2016. China has new environmental rules (don't they have Republicans over there to stop those?), which now limit the percentage of contamination to 0.5 percent.

Hey, friends, start collecting those bottles and cans and take them to a recycling center to collect your pennies. You'll need them when the New Green Deal goes through! Δ

The Shredder thinks Canada's looking pretty good these days. Send ideas and comments to shredder@newtimesslo.com.

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