Here, kitty-kitty! 

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• PHOTO BY STEVE E. MILLER
• BUY SOME ART, FUND SOME BROKEN BONES! : This awesome mannequin is just one of the artworks being silently auctioned to raise money for the SLO skate park on Nov. 6 at Coalition.

No, seriously!

If you hate skateboarders (as most of us do), you’ll donate money to create an irresistible trap (more on that later) that will lure them to the same spot where they’ll break their wrists, bang their heads, turn their ankles, and skin their knees … b’wah-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Trust me, they’ll rue the day they ever conceived that skateboarding could be better than growing fat deposits playing video games, cruising for discarded leftovers at the mall food court, or watching TV judges mete out justice to deadbeats.

Years from now, we’ll mock them together: “You think you’re happy? Being active and living forever? You could have died early from heart disease, but noooooooo, you wanted to exercise, have fun, and learn the motion-potion-coordination that would lead to long-lasting sexual relationships well into middle age. You selfish skate rats! What has it gotten you except long lives, beautiful memories, and finely sculpted calves?”

That’s right. Nothing! Readers, you want in, don’tcha?

On Friday, Nov. 6, from 6 to 9 p.m., local art-savvy, homegrown, politically pugnacious sk8 shop Coalition is hosting a silent art auction, with proceeds benefiting the permanent, concrete skate park proposed for Santa Rosa Park. You get to buy some art, which will hang on your wall like an award commemorating how you sacrificed in the battle to contain four-wheeled mayhem. And “them?” They get a death trap!

“The skateboarding community has been trying to get a concrete skate park for years,” explained Coalition owner Jono Hicks. “The biggest success we had was when the plans for the park were approved by the city. But then came the budget cuts and the project fell on the backburner. It’s been frustrating, but over the last few years a lot of us have been trying to raise money from the community.”

• ART FOR THE SK8 PARK: During Art After Dark on Friday, Nov. 6, from 6 to 9 p.m., Coalition (974 Monterey St., SLO) will host a silent auction of original art (by John Copeland, Chris Pontius, Russ Pope, Peter Ayer, Alex Rohrig, Jonny Miller, Glen Starkey, and others) to raise funds for the SLO Skate Park. There’ll also be an art installation by INSIGHT garage artist Dethkills, grooves by DJ Malik Miko, and refreshments. A 10 p.m. after party for those 21-and-older will be held at Native Lounge.

Look, it’s clear skaters can’t make a skate park happen on their own any more than kids can fund their own soccer, little league, or peewee football fields. Skate park proponents have been doing grassroots fundraising for a few years, and so far they’ve raised a dismal $5,200.

According to Hicks, the skateboarding community has given about as much as they have to give, hence the idea to raise funds among art lovers through a silent auction.

“Maybe that way we’d get the attention of another segment of the population and get our hands in some other pockets, so to speak,” said Hicks, who’s hoping the auction will remind people that it’s not just a skateboarder thing: It’s a youth sports and a parks and rec thing.

“Did you know one out of ten kids owns a skateboard in the U.S., and that it’s the sixth most participated in sport for kids under 18?” asked Hicks. “Giving money to the skate park should be like donating to little league. Local residents donated millions for the Damon-Garcia Sports Fields, and we don’t need nearly that much. All those kids that play soccer over there, they have skateboards; they’re skateboarders!”

Imagine it! They’re going to take the auction money and use it to build a skate park. I can hear the radius and ulna breaking now.

Glen Starkey takes a beating and keeps on bleating. Contact him at [email protected].