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Election blues 

Are you sick of all the electioneering, advertising, canvassing, and cajoling to vote this way or that? Whew! It’s nice to have the primaries out of the way, eh? Of course, since there’s five more months until the general election, expect a continued onslaught of advertising and press releases. I’m just hoping now that 24th Congressional District candidate Matt “What? I Lost Again?” Kokkonen garnered a meager 5.3 percent of the vote (at least in early totals), I won’t have to endure any more of his blatant bigotry.

Did you hear about his June 5 press release? “Congressional candidate Matt Kokkonen crafts new terms to distinguish marriage, homoriage, and lesbiage,” reads the headline. “Homoriage?” “Lesbiage?” WTF?

Sigh. 

Kokkonen says he’s calling for “honesty in identifying the unique relationships among the heterosexual and homosexual communities” by crafting new terms: “‘homoriage’ for male homosexual committed relationships and ‘lesbiage’ for female homosexual committed relationships to distinguish their uniqueness from ‘marriage,’” which apparently is reserved for “normal” people who know that a penis goes in a vagina, preferable in missionary position with the lights out and only when attempting to conceive children as God intended!

Both of Kokkonen’s terms sound like medical conditions. “That homoriage looks pretty serious. You should apply pressure and get to the emergency room, stat!” “You can probably clear up that lesbiage with some of this ointment. Apply liberally for a few days and keep it covered.”

Setting aside the fact that the Supreme Court ruled way back in 1954 that the idea of “separate but equal” was un-Constitutional, meaning that creating separate institutions to segregate minorities from the majority is un-American—even a “legal immigrant” who came to this country in 1962 should know that—the idea opens the floodgates to even more prejudice-driven stupidity.

Transregulariage is marriage between a trans-woman and man or a trans-man and woman, got it? Geriatriciage is marriage between old-as-fuck people with wrinkly skin, gray hair, and a medicine cabinet full of prescription drugs. Itwillneverlastiage is for 18-year-olds who marry too young and will totally be divorced soon. 

I haven’t seen bigotry this blatant in a political race since Donald “I’m Building a Wall” Trump claimed that an American-born judge of Mexican descent was too biased to fairly decide a lawsuit against the defunct Trump University, which apparently showed students how to use other people’s money to invest in real estate by taking their money and investing it in real estate.

“See how I did that? Isn’t it great? Isn’t it, folks? I just gave you a yuuuge education! You’re welcome. Pretty soon you’ll be sick of winning.”

Like Kokkonen, The Donald simply can’t recognize his own prejudice and bigotry. Did you catch Trump’s rally on June 3 when he touted his support among African-Americans by pointing to the one black man he could find in the crowd, saying, “Oh, look at my African-American over here. Look at him. Are you the greatest?”

Are you kidding me? He sounds like someone showing off his dog: “Oh, look at my black lab? Isn’t he sweet? Who’s a good boy? You are! Yes, you are!”

Mr. Trump, sir, I look forward to the next five months. Mr. Kokkonen, sir, I will miss shredding your stupid, racist, bigoted ass, but seeing as how you’re a perpetual candidate for one office or another, I’m sure I’ll shred you again. Keep on running … and losing!

Judging from the current vote totals, it looks like the 24th District seat currently held by Lois Capps could remain in the hands of a Democrat in the general election. In early results, Democrat Salud Carbajal led with 32.7 percent, and adding in the percentages from other Democratic candidates yields 53.3 percent Democrat votes versus Republican candidate leader Justin Fareed’s 20.5 percent, which when combined with the other Republicans’ votes totaled up to 44.7 percent—a more than an 8 point potential victory for the Dems.

Apparently, the majority of the citizens in the three counties that make up the 24th District reject Republican ideas and prefer a Democrat behind the wheel—but I guess it’s too early to call. Get out the vote, Republicans—looks like Dems are kicking butt in this district! We’ve got five more months of attack ads and party line rhetoric still to go. I can’t wait for those results! Which reminds me, I can’t blame SLO County Clerk-Recorder Tommy Gong if he was a bit slow getting our local election results out. His office lost power Tuesday night, right in the middle of tabulating totals.

Apparently, Andrew Quartuccio was cruising along in his sweet Cadillac SUV eastbound on Foothill Boulevard when he swerved into a power pole just east of Santa Rosa Street. Oops! His SUV rolled over and he was transported to a hospital for minor injuries, where he was evaluated and arrested for a DUI. Don’t worry! Judging from the bro-ish “ha-ha” I’m-still-buzzed look in his mug shot, Andy’s going to be okeydokey!

If nothing else—and this is important to remember come November when it’s time to vote again—he proves one person can affect election results!  

The Shredder says don’t drink and vote. Send ideas and comments to shredder@newtimesslo.com.

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