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Drill, Donnie, drill! 

Ever since illustrious 45th Prez tRump threatened to open California to new offshore oil drilling, a whole chorus of "NOPE" has been ringing across the state.

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Gov. Jerry Brown, Lt. Gov. Gavin Newsom, state Controller Betty Yee, state Attorney General Xavier Becerra, state Finance Director Michael Cohen, and many other state officials have all clearly condemned the idea. The California Coastal Commission said it would refuse to permit the onshore infrastructure needed to support new offshore platforms. Even before Trump's announcements, polls showed that 69 percent of Californians oppose more offshore drilling, and hundreds gathered at a Feb. 8 rally in Sacramento to protest the idea. Plenty of small community leaders also chimed in, sending sharply worded letters to Trump's Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke.

You know who didn't chime in? The SLO County Board of Supervisors. Why? Because the conservative majority believes SLO County already made its feelings about offshore drilling known in 1986 with Measure A, a local ballot item that said a majority of voters must approve any "development, construction, installation, or expansion of any onshore support facility."

See? Done and done! No need to reiterate that SLO County isn't interested in your ugly-ass oil platforms and wildlife killing oil spills, Trumpster!

"We've gone through this, and I still feel the letter we sent is still as strong as it was when we sent it," 5th District Supervisor Debbie Arnold said of the county's 1986 notice. "This county is strongly opposed to offshore drilling and cited the voters' Measure A. That's the most powerful tool that we have for the people to be able to speak and have our voice on this issue. I just want to stick with that. We've talked about this several times, almost every meeting now."

Well, talk is cheap, Debbie. So is SLO County letterhead.

Let's think about this a second. If Arnold and her conservative cronies—1st District Supervisor John Peschong and 4th District Supervisor Lynn Compton—really believe voters are against new offshore drilling, why not make it crystal clear by reminding Trump and Zinke? What's the possible harm in sending another letter confirming we're dead-set against it ... unless they're keeping a backdoor open to Trump's deep drilling overtures?

"Mmm, Donnie. Get that oil! Get it!"

Let's also remember that 1986 was ages ago! Back then Trump was still married to the first of his three wives, Ivana Trump, and was a liberal real estate developer rebuilding Wollman Skating Rink in NYC's Central Park as a good will gesture. By 1987, he was telling talk show host Larry King that he's "a Republican," and more importantly, "I don't want to be president." Ah, the good old days.

Dear SLO County Supes, I'd feel much better if you big business suck-ups would write a freaking letter telling Trump he can keep his drill in his pants and that you're supporting the will of your constituents even though you personally would love to see California's coastal waters littered with oil platforms. Hmm?

Maybe you guys are too busy coming up with creative ways to pay Dairy Creek's bills, eh? The failed golf course is bleeding about half a million bucks a year ever since its California Men's Colony gray water source dried up.

The county is proposing partnering with the Cal Poly Golf Team to keep the driving range and back nine open, making the facility the team's official practice space. Cool, sounds legit, but the county is also proposing an 18-hole miniature golf course, which can be expanded to 36 holes in case duffers can't get enough of putting balls through windmills and clown mouths. Oh yeah, and also an electric go-cart track.

That's it? Put on your thinking caps, supes! No arcade? Laser tag? Bumper boats? Batting cages? Look out Boomers! of Santa Maria, Camelot Park of Bakersfield, and Golf N' Stuff of Ventura—SLO County's on the family fun map! I'm sure real golfers will love heading to the clubhouse and rubbing shoulders with all the snot-covered kids, hopped up on sugary drinks and fresh off the mini golf course.

"How'd you shoot out there today, kid?"

"Great, grandpa! I'm a scratch golfer on the front 18, but that volcano hole always gives me trouble."

Hey, I don't know if SLO County District Attorney Dan Dow is a golfer, but after the next election, he may have plenty of time to take it up.

"Why are we here?" Santa Barbara County Superior Court Judge Timothy Staffel dourly asked prosecutors from Dow's office in relation to the felony conflict-of-interest case the DA brought against John Wallace, former CEO of the engineering firm the Wallace Group. Dow accused Wallace of funneling work to his private company while he worked for the South County Sanitation District and the Avila Beach Community Services District.

While Staffel did find some wrongdoing, he clearly thought Dow's case was gross overreach. Dow's challenger in the next election, retired Stanislaus County Judge Mike Cummins, argued that Dow "doesn't have the skills and experience to properly evaluate cases," and that he's been "a very poor district attorney."

Dow's blown cases are certainly stacking up! Hey Dan, maybe you and SLO County Sheriff Ian Parkinson can hit the links together. Δ

The Shredder believes trepanning Trump is the only drilling we need. Send ideas and comments to shredder@newtimesslo.com.


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