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Dear City of SLO, 

I was walking on the sidewalk in front of Abercrombie the other day. You know, the store that reeks of toxic waste mixed with bull semen? And I saw a homeless person. And nothing happened!

I’m certain, however, that this person was on drugs and that he wanted to steal my screaming baby whose face was smudged charmingly with ice cream.

On another day, I was hunting for a pair of hooker boots to pair with my Gucci shift dress which I was planning on wearing to my second cousin’s wedding, and I saw a homeless person. And he complimented my Coach purse!

I’m certain he intended to steal both my Coach purse and, slightly less importantly, my screaming child whose face was smudged charmingly with cake. Also, I’m fairly certain he was on drugs!

Then, last month, I was walking on the sidewalk drinking a bottle of Perrier and a homeless woman asked me for some change.

I’m certain she intended to steal my child, who was not with me at the time, but who doubtlessly was screaming with a face smudged with chocolate at the babysitter’s house. Also, my bottle of Perrier!

It’s time to do something about the homeless. I don’t know what exactly; critical thinking has never been my strong suit. But perhaps we could commit to some sort of action along the lines of rounding them up into camps like we did with Japanese-Americans during the war? Or maybe setting a day of the week where they’re banned from entering downtown? We could have mandatory checkpoints downtown where security guards rifle through your pockets and if you have fewer than $50 you’re thrown into jail. Or we could fling them into a fiery lava pit. Or maybe we could create an occupancy limit, like they have in the bars where I like to get trashed on Thursday, Friday, and Saturday nights? You know, something along the lines of, “There can only be 30 homeless people within the boundaries of downtown San Luis Obispo” at any given point. I’m not at all worried that any of these measures would violate their civil rights because I have no idea what civil rights are, and even if I did I wouldn’t care so long as I can continue to get my pedicures, eat my sushi, and buy my hooker boots downtown.

Really, I’m not asking all that much. I am, after all, a real citizen, which I define as a person with money and nice clothes. Don’t try to tell me you’re a citizen simply because you live here. Also, homeless people clash horribly with the décor of our expensive Mission sidewalks. And they’re interfering with those of us who are actually contributing to our community. In my case, I contribute to the level of noise pollution downtown by pushing a stroller filled with writhing, screaming children. Also, the fact that I bought a non-fat no-whip mocha and electric fuschia suede loafers at GAP means I’m stimulating the economy, which in my opinion puts me on par with Mother Theresa and the people who volunteer their time at food kitchens and shelters. It also gives me the right to attempt to dictate who else is allowed to utilize downtown San Luis Obispo and insist that all usage meet with my approval. This is a quick and easy way to eradicate everyone who looks at me funny, promotes a political message I disagree with, or promotes a brand I don’t like.

It is due time that you take immediate action, and don’t be afraid to embrace measures the majority of the population deems excessive or violent. Summer is drawing to a close and as the seasons become cooler, undesirables and untidies might be tempted to seek warmth in local businesses and on city sidewalks. I can’t imagine how many times a homeless person who I suspect is on drugs might compliment my purse and then do absolutely nothing to me.

“Be gone, you drugged-out loser; I need to get to the bar before the end of happy hour.” Also, I fear for my children’s safety! What kind of people will they grow up to become if they’re aware of the existence of people who are poor and hungry? What if they begin to experience stirrings of sympathy as they grow older? How can I teach them to disdain and fear the less fortunate if the city of San Luis Obispo is unwilling to set a good example by rounding them into pens and allowing us good citizens to throw rotten vegetables at them for our own entertainment?

Sincerely,

Scared and skittish in San Luis Obispo

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