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De-weirder 

"I've been up there at night," 3rd District Supervisor Adam Hill told his colleagues and the public at the Dec. 5 SLO County Board of Supervisors meeting, "and I gotta tell you, if you want anonymous sex or drugs, that's the place."

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Oh my! What magical utopia is this land of free love and mind expansion? Why it's none other than those trash-heaps-by-the-sea, Pirate's Cove and Cave Landing, where the wild and weird go to party. Woo-hoo! Get high and get naked!

Adam, you had me at anonymous sex or drugs.

All five supervisors agree—Gasp! Yes, it happens!—that something must be done about Pirate's, and of the three options presented the one to sell the land to a private party has been thankfully nixed.

"No one wants to sell," 1st District Supervisor John Peschong said.

After a major one-time cleanup, the two remaining options are 1. Making improvements (trash cans, bathrooms, trails, a graded parking lot) and restricting parking hours (closed 10 p.m. to 6 a.m. to cars) or 2. Increasing sheriff and park ranger presence and adding a dumpster.

In 2014, the last time the county considered improvements, the California Coastal Commission shot down the idea of closing the parking lot at night, so instead of doing something, the county decided to do a big fat nothing, which has resulted in making things worse. This time, some compromise may be in order, but let's be smart about it.

I'm nominating 5th District Supervisor Debbie Arnold for Most Cockamamie Compromise Idea: lock the parking lot at night and give some special people an after-hours key card, she said. The four other supervisors valiantly fought off publicly rolling their eyes and remained silent at her elitist "idea."

There's also talk of putting up security cameras in the parking lot, which is currently a rutted obstacle course. Do security cameras do any good if no one's watching or if they're clearly visible? "Smile! This site is being filmed," reads a sign at the SLO Skate Park, which has prompted weed-smoking kids to find the off-camera locations to spark up.

Hey, I have an idea about how to fix Pirate's Cove! How about doing the major cleanup, doing the improvements, leaving access 24/7, and increasing sheriff and ranger presence? You're welcome, Board of Stupidvisors.

And while I'm fixing the world, I may as well fix the SLO County Kill-a-torium, er, I mean Jail. First, invent a time machine, then travel back to 1980 and convince Saint-President Ronald Reagan not to pull federal funding from community mental health centers, effectively eliminating mental health services, leaving law enforcement to deal with those suffering from mental illness.

What's that, H.G. Wells? No can do? Okie-dokie, then prepare for more inmates to die while Sheriff Ian Parkinson and a couple of ad hoc committees continue to put forth ideas and hem and haw about implementing change. I think it's safe to say the jail is in a crisis. How about doing something right now, like hiring on-call psychiatrists and around-the-clock psychiatric technicians? Yes, it'll cost money, but probably less than the further legal settlements the county will pay the families of dead inmates, and more importantly, it may save some lives.

Quit wasting time! Because that's apparently the Cambria Community Services District's job. After 12 hours of special meetings, the world's slowest governing body has only been able to fill one of its two open board of directors slots. I've seen drunken snails and roofied three-toed sloths move faster.

May I direct your attention to the Pismo Beach City Council, which enacted a temporary 45-day moratorium on "seedy" businesses in record time. At their Dec. 4 meeting they unanimously voted to not let Pismo turn into Grover Beach by banning any new tattoo or massage parlors, smoke shops, plasma donation centers, check cashing and payday loan businesses, gold and silver exchanges, bail bond businesses, resale shops, pawn shops, and tire sales and repair businesses, because they're inconsistent with the council's "vision" for the downtown.

I'm with you! When I think of Pismo, I think classy-classy-classy ... not! I think tats, bikers, bars, bowling alleys, saltwater taffy, surfers, and foxy beach ladies. Keep Pismo skeezy! (T-shirts available for $30!)

And speaking of all things Foxy, the award for most commented on article of the year goes to last week's Shredder! No, the comments weren't directed toward the inmate death or because sheriff's deputies shot a dog.

They were directed at me because I dared to poke fun at the kindhearted folks of Arroyo Grande who are starting a GoFundMe account to raise money that would help erect a memorial to Foxy, the gray fox euthanized because it became too accustomed to humans. The money raised would also fund educational signs about wildlife, which I neglected to mention because what's funny about that?

Well, put me in that basket of deplorables and call me a species supremacist because I just got New Times labeled a "hate magazine."

I heard that the same group of residents scolding me (gasp!) was scolded by the A.G. City Council for papering public places with sketches of the new town mascot. Rumor also has it there's a Foxy documentary in the works and a candlelight vigil planned for Dec. 11. I feel like the longtime resident chickens are going to get jealous, but who am I to judge? Δ

The Shredder is jumping into the deplorable basket with both feet and a chicken leg. Send ideas and comments to shredder@newtimesslo.com.


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