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Cry freedom! 

I feel sorry for Rowan County Clerk of Courts Kim Davis, who was jailed for refusing to issue marriage licenses to gay Kentucky couples.

And yes, apparently Kentucky has the gays. Who knew? But back to Davis. 

What about her religious rights? Just because she was elected to do a job, and just because the Supreme Court of the United States determined that marriage—even same-sex marriage—is a constitutionally protected right, and therefore, Davis must issue licenses to all couples requesting them because, you know, that’s her job and she put her hand on a Bible and swore to uphold the Constitution and all, that doesn’t mean she has to do it, right? After all, God’s Law is higher than the laws of man. 

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It’s all right there in Leviticus! Read it! And you know us Christians; we follow all of God’s laws to the letter! For instance, if it wasn’t for God’s law, I’d be wearing a nice, breathable poly-cotton blend blouse right now, but according to Leviticus 19:19, it’s wrong to wear clothes made of more than one fabric, so I don’t. Period. I’ve also taken it upon myself to wait outside churches and keep people with flat noses from entering because of Leviticus 21:17-18, which in addition to the flat-nosed also bars the blind and lame from going to God’s altar. Hey, it’s not my rule; it’s God’s! “Buzz off, limpy!”

Of course, it’s a lot to remember, all these laws, and things really get complicated when you consider Matthew 7:1-5, Luke 6:37, John 8:7, James 4:11, Romans 2:1-3, or any of the other 100 or so biblical verses against passing judgment on others. Sigh.

God could have made this a lot easier if He’d just included not being gay in the Ten Commandments. I mean, couldn’t He have swapped out that one about “graven images?” Nobody even knows what a graven image is, but “Don’t make sexy time with someone of the same gender”—hey, we’d get that. That’s clear.

The point is, people’s religious freedom must be protected! Muslims must be allowed to follow the more than 100 verses of the Quran, like 2:191-193 commanding death to infidels such as Christians and Jews. Likewise, Christians must be allowed to follow Deuteronomy 17:2-7 and stone to death anyone with a different religion, provided, of course, that you have at least two or three witnesses to offer evidence of the person’s lack of Christianity. It’s what religious freedom is all about!

That’s why I was shocked when I discovered a fake press release under the name of the Estero Bay Republican Women Federated, whose headline reads, “Estero Bay Republican Women Welcome Prop 8 Proponent and Hate Group Leader.”

In case you’ve forgotten, California Proposition 8 was the 2008 ballot initiative that created a state constitutional amendment to bar same-sex marriage. It won! Yay religious freedom! But then the California Supreme Court ruled it unconstitutional. It’s these damn activist judges, am I right? How dare they protect the minority from majority rule!

So anyway, some wiseacre got wind of this lady Republican group’s invitation to Brad Dacus, president of the Pacific Justice Institute (PJI), to speak at their luncheon on Thursday, Sept. 17. Hey, are you reading this in the morning? Maybe you can still make the luncheon, though you’ll need to call Gayle Bickford for reservations. The fake press release actually listed hers and Second Vice President Carolyn Atkinson’s phone numbers right on it. In fact, it even has the organization’s seal in the corner. Very professional considering whoever made the counterfeit press release is a godless anarchist and freedom hater.

The press release mentions that the Southern Poverty Law Center considers PJI a “hate group.” I checked, and their website merely calls it an “active anti-LGBT group.” The press release also claims that Dacus was a spokesperson for Proposition 8 who compared “marriage equality to stopping the Nazis,” that he defended a pastor who said “gays should be stoned to death,” that a law to protect transgendered students was “hideous” and would turn California schools “into a horror film,” and more! And it’s all footnoted with Internet links and everything!

Hey, if these Republican women want to eat salmon salad while listening to a pious Christian man bloviate about why it’s perfectly OK to strip gays of their rights, they should! Because freedom!

I’m thinking of having my own luncheon. I plan to serve hand-clubbed baby seal kabobs served over rice picked by child labor in Vietnam. My speaker will be Donald Trump, who will explain why we need a “yooge” underwater wall to keep Mexican hammerhead sharks from swimming north due to El Niño conditions and attacking Southern California swimmers because that’s a job for American sharks!

Sure, you could argue that someone’s religious freedom ends where your rights begin, but I don’t want to live in a world where a Muslim president like Barack Obama can’t impose Sharia Law on all Americans because, damn it, protecting his religious freedom is worth it! 

The Shredder wouldn’t actually hand-club a baby seal. Send ideas and comments to shredder@newtimesslo.com.

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