Crap! 

I know you’re all eager to learn the winner of the crap poetry contest, which is why, like a sadistic parent at Christmas, I’m going to stretch things out a bit here. We’ll talk about the meaning of Christmas, go to church, eat dinner slowly. Then, when you can’t stand it any more … I’ll unveil the crap. It’ll be like every Christmas in my youth.

No, you can’t skip ahead. That’s cheating, and the crap poetry Santa is watching.

So, first off: I’d like to focus your mind on this fantastic quote from SLO Mayor Dave Romero, as quoted in a news story we’re running this week on SLO’s budget goals. Talking about how he’d like San Luis Obispo’s downtown to look, he said: “Of course, the vision I have is somewhat like Main Street Disneyland.”

The truth, finally. And I want you to know that I’m too classy to make a joke about Romero and the Seven Dwarves. Too classy. (But what would he be called, Pavey?) Too classy.

This is a blow to critics who enjoy complaining that, under Mayor Dave, the city is trying to look like Disneyland. How do you insult somebody like this?

Now, check out the ass-handing that Sen. Abel Maldonado got for his latest publicity stunt. See, when he’s not busy being unAbel to help with a state budget solution, not even with solutions offered by his supposed buddy in the governor’s office, Sen. unAbel enjoys proposing gimmicks, sniping, and running for office as both a Republican, which he is, and a Democrat, which he isn’t.

It used to seem cute. Not anymore.

In his latest snipe, Maldonado accused State Controller John Chiang of pissing away “$924,500,000” worth of new office furniture for the next fiscal year and another “$924,500,000” worth of furniture the year before. Maldonado called Chiang hypocritical during a time when the state is out of money. If Maldonado were right, he might be on to something: A couple billion dollars’ worth of furniture is a big deal. Except Maldonado added three extra zeros. It was less than $2 million worth of furniture, not $2 billion, and Chiang says the furniture was ordered—in an effort to make the state live up to OSHA requirements and disability standards—before he took the job.

Please don’t forget that this isn’t the first ass-handing to Maldonado by Chiang. Maldonado ran for the post in 2006 and Chiang won. I think I’ll choose the guy who knows the difference between millions and billions for that job. Sen. unAbel: Get to work. This is not the time for your games.

A few more things that are amusing me:

• All you li’l doggies better cross your legs on Feb. 24 in Morro Bay. They’re declaring it “Spay Day” there.

• Got a press release from the Pismo Beach Recreation Division offering children’s cooking workshop classes where they will “Make a Valentine’s dinner for the family!” The meal? Sloppy Joes and pasta salad. The cost? $50. Sorry folks, only Halliburton can get away with a $50 sloppy joe.

• Not to backtrack, but where would Mayor Dave stick the animatronic Mr. Lincoln? My vote is right next to whatever black-and-white shirtless-guy photo is welcoming passersby into Abercrombie at the moment. Stare at chiseled abs, listen to the Gettysburg Address. It’s win-win.
   Okay, here it goes. Here’s the crap you’ve been waiting for. First, let me report the turnout was pretty good. Lots of crap. Most of you didn’t want to be named in association with your work. I understand completely, so I’m using first names only. If you’re a winner, and proud of it, write me and I’ll name you more completely in a future column.

First, a few runners up: Here’s one of several from Cindy, whose work was especially impressive because it had butterflies and weird fonts and an artistic layout. Picture all that crap as you read:

Me.

My toes are an extension of my feet.

My fingers at the ends of my hands.

I turn the page and catch a glimpse of my pedi

and realize, I might have left the iron on.

Very crappy! Here’s one from Sara, and it’s especially great because it included the word “umbrella” and is written in the working-man’s form, the limerick.

There once was a really dumb fella, who impaled himself on his umbrella.

While trying to smoke it, he tripped and he broke it. He should have had a panatela.

This didn’t win because I had to look up the word “panatela” (a skinny cigar) and that effort made me feel stupid. That’s the same reason Mike’s work isn’t displayed here. Too many big words. Shredder is a simple people. But know that Mike did rhyme mozzarella with umbrella. Nice.

Finally, the winner. Paulette’s submission was so awful I had to read it several times and still couldn’t quite understand it. I’ve tried to respect her random spacing, odd hyphens and capitalizations and the exclamation mark, because it’s, uh, art. Here’s the winner:

Crappy Poop-ups

When you think

        Of life in turds

You may re-

        member the words:

“Don’t believe

           all things read.”

See WHO says

            it, instead …

’Cause word collectors

            are like fellas/

A museum guy

            with umbrellas,

Waxed and waned

            since the eighteen hun-dreds

Shelter and shade

            or slaves and their kun-dreds.

Collapsing inner ribs

            of any device

Can be opened and closed

            By the Naughty and Nice!


I don’t even know what to say. Terrifically crappy. And weird. Crappily done!

Sadly, the promised 100-home Santa Maria housing development was sold on the courthouse steps for $427, so I couldn’t swing that. Instead, I’ve had energy work done in your name, Paulette. You should be feeling less crappy soon. We’ll do another contest next month. Ideas?

If Shredder is ever less than crappy, write to [email protected].