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Boomer knows best 

The best part of being a young adult is I know absolutely everything and I'm going to live forever ... oh, and old people are idiots who don't know anything! They're always trying to give me stupid advice, but hey, take a look around at the state of the world with all these old losers in charge. They've made a totes mess of everything!

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Now these lame-o oldies are trying to tell me not to vape, when vaping is healthier than ciggies and super cool! Mmm, Strawberry Milk, Watermelon, Mint—so many delish flavor-flavs! And hey, all the lit kids do it. It's Gucci! What's better than getting turnt on White Claw and sucking on some Grape Juul juice? It makes me so salty when some boomer starts spouting cray-cray hypocrisy! Adulting is dumb! Hundo P!

If you're asking yourself, "Do kids think this way?" Hundo P! (That means 100 percent, boomer!) Maybe they have a point. In the name of protecting our youth, grown-ups sometimes do stupid things, like the Arroyo Grande City Council's recent decision to criminalize the youthful folly du jour, vaping, for anyone under 21. I understand that we don't want our kids using these dangerous products, but do we really want to make criminals of post-millienials? Will attaching criminal conduct to young adult behavior really help guide these adolescents to adulthood?

The Arroyo Grande Police Department (AGPD) seems to think so! They're the entity—under the advice of a school resource officer (SRO)—that pushed the city to adopt the ordinance because without it the cops can't do anything to punish a vaping, sassy, disrespectful little punk. Their reasoning? Kids were fighting at school and were threatened with criminal citations and suddenly the fighting stopped, so it stands to reason that citing vaping will stop it because fighting and vaping are exactly alike! They're both fun and flavorful and addictive, right?

I mean, sure, the American Heart Association, the American Lung Association, the American Cancer Society, the SLO County Health Commission, the SLO County Teen Task Force, and the SLO County Tobacco Control Program were all against the ordinance because studies suggest such ordinances don't work, plus they disproportionately impact kids of color, but this SRO knows better! I'm pretty sure all of those black and brown folks in prison for marijuana possession would have an opinion.

Crazier still, back in October, AGPD Police Chief Beau Pryor told the council that passing the ordinance would take SROs off campus and into court to testify against Zachary skate rat caught sharing an e-cigarette with Kayla the chronic dress-code violator under the bleachers between third and fourth period. Lock them up! Hopefully there won't be a school shooting while the SRO deals with this vaping crime wave!

And speaking of crime waves, cannabis!

Yeah, I know! You thought vaping was bad.

For two years, the SLO County Board of Supervisors (BOS) has been reissuing an abeyance for legal marijuana growers to continue their operations while their permit applications make their way through the county's labyrinthine, cumbersome, and glacially slow certification process. Well, that abeyance will end on Dec. 31, 2019, so naturally folks went before the BOS to request a continued abeyance because it's not the growers' fault that the county is slower than a drowsy three-toed sloth.

Predictably, liberal supes Adam Hill and Bruce Gibson voted yes while conservative supes Debbie Arnold and Lynn Compton voted no, and since conservative supe John Peschong wasn't there to break the tie, the abeyance will end, meaning growers are screwed! Hundo P! Many of these growers have spent thousands upon thousands of dollars working through the process, filing applications, and paying for study after study.

The industry came out in force. Nick Andre of the Natural Healing Center pointed out: "We're losing such a huge economic opportunity right now, especially with Diablo Canyon closing."

"If this abeyance ordinance is not extended, I'll be forced to lay off over 30 people before the end of the year and probably not be able to be in operation for six months," Brett Vapnek of Nipomo AG LLC complained.

Cultivator Tim Wendorff chimed in: "We've done everything the county has asked. For a year and half now, we've been trying to get our conditional-use permit. We don't want to lay off our people; we want to keep working."

Consultant Jamie Jones, who represents some of the growers, added, "I've been doing land-use permits for over 15 years. I have never experienced the process problems that I've experienced trying to get what are fairly straightforward land-use applications through the process for farming."

Eric Powers of Megan's Organic Market noted they're a small operation—just 5,000 square feet—but they've been forced to install security measures "beyond what the ordinance requires," and "couldn't get call backs 30 days at a time."

Helios Dayspring of the Natural Healing Center really lit into the board: "I've been a pingpong ball getting smacked back and forth in this process—unlimited revisions, unlimited studies, and unlimited billing. This is the reason operators like myself have been bled dry over the course of a year and half trying to get through this process."

Ouch! Really makes you want to spark up a doobie and chill. Hundo P! Δ

The Shredder knows prohibition doesn't work. Send ideas and comments to shredder@newtimesslo.com.

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