Bites: The hunt is on! 

There are many moments of culinary significance in a person’s life: birthdays, the first crack of burnt sugar resting atop delicately flavored custard, that first bite of your first crème brulee, your first BLT, any meal after a good workout. But few of these moments can match the annual flood of bunny-shaped chocolates and eggs that burst with diabetes-laden goo.

That’s right, folks! Easter is just around the corner: 2 1/2 weeks and counting. And whatever your religious persuasion, companies like Hershey’s, Cadbury, See’s, and local favorites Tropical Chocolate Company, and Mama Ganache Artisan Chocolate ensure that you’ll have something worth celebrating come Sunday, March 31.

If you happen to be one of those heathens who doesn’t like the taste of cocoa melting ever-so-slowly on your tongue, don’t be too concerned. I mean, you should probably see a doctor because clearly there’s something wrong with you. But you need not fear an empty Easter basket.

Behold, the Peeps! Neon-colored, sugar-dusted marshmallows in the forms of misshapen birds, bunnies, and even happy-faced pumpkins—although they’re clearly designated for another holiday altogether and you should refrain from partaking of pumpkin Peeps in this the season of marshmallow birds and bunnies. If you happen to be bored—as a group of pagan celebrants at one of my past Easter parties must have been—try popping a few in the microwave for “peep jousting,” which is a guaranteed crowd pleaser. It will also take several hours to clean out your microwave.

But the crème de la crème, the crown jewel in Easter’s pastel, ribbon-wrapped crown, is the Cadbury egg, introduced to the world in the glorious year 1963. It’s safe to say that nothing—especially waistlines—has been the same since. Of course, in 2006 the company made the unpopular—in my book, therefore it must be so—decision to reduce the size to 34g whereas before it came in at a whopping 39g. But that’s just an excuse to eat more and prosper!

Now, I’m a Cadbury egg purist. I eat the classic crème eggs, and that’s it. Call me a traditionalist. But if you happen to fancy a walk on the wild side, consider the mini crème eggs—same idea, but one bite instead of four or five; the caramel egg, introduced in 1994; chocolate crème eggs, which are pretty self-explanatory; orange crème eggs; mint crème eggs; and, if you’re willing to travel internationally, dream eggs, which are white chocolate with white chocolate fondant filling; Jaffa Egg, boasting dark chocolate with an orange filling; marble eggs with dairy milk and dream chocolate swirled together; or the caramilk egg.

Just don’t come crying to me when your pants no longer fit and you lose circulation in your feet. I’ll be too busy starting a support group for people mourning the fact that we have to wait another 10 months before the stores once again fill with chocolate shaped like baby farm animals.

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