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Battle of snits 

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Ain't political season a hoot? At the national level, Democratic candidates for president are engaging in a circular firing squad, and the thought of Bernie Sanders coming out on top as the Democratic nominee has centrist Democrats freaking out!

Remember how in 2016 the Democratic National Committee did everything it could to undermine Sanders' campaign? Once again, the mainstream Dems are worried a self-described Democratic Socialist can't get enough support and can't beat President Donald J. Trump, which is why the orange buffoon has been at the helm the past three years. Sanders would have wiped the floor with tRump. Now Dems are poised to make the same mistake again. Why? Because they're buying into the same sky-is-falling propaganda that the right uses to paint all liberals—namely that they're commie bastards bent on destroying the American way of life!

Take Andy Caldwell, for instance—the slightly thinner and much less funny John Candy stand-in who's running to unseat 24th District Congressman Salud Carbajal.

"I could not stand on the sidelines while ambitious politicians tear our country apart—or drag us into the nightmare of socialism," Caldwell intoned on his website, andycaldwell2020.com.

SOCIALISM! Freak out! Lose your minds, everyone!

Jesus, can everyone please calm down? Do you like roads and bridges for travel and commerce, K-12 education for the kids, first responders for community safety, the National Guard and Coast Guard for defense, the water and sewer systems for health and sanitation, Medicare and Social Security for the old folks? You do? You dirty filthy socialist!

How would you like child care for growing families, quality health care for the uninsured, and an extension of public K-12 education to include college? Because that's all Sanders is suggesting! An investment not in corporations or the military industrial complex, but instead an investment in people. It's still capitalism! Sheesh!

This anti-Democratic socialism leads to some despicable choices. Take Caldwell's recent mailer claiming that homeless people are "bringing back diseases such as leprosy!"

Say what? Vilifying the homeless? How dare they be poor! If only they had access to socialized medical care!

New Times reached out to Caldwell's campaign for comment, noting that there's zero evidence of the homeless population spreading leprosy. New Times told Caldwell that some community members have lamented that his mailer demonizes homeless people.

Now a normal candidate might say, "Oh my. I apologize for spreading fake (and incendiary) news. I want to publicly apologize to the county homeless population and to any community member I offended with this scurrilous mailer."

Well, Andy ain't no "normal" candidate. He's a rootin' tootin' on Fifth Avenue my president's shootin' Trump supportin' and fake news spewin' right-wing nutter-butter who instead of admitting his mistake decided to double down!

"I am not aware that the original report on leprosy in LA has been debunked," Caldwell emailed, to which I say, no shit, Sherlock. But New Times sent you a link to a fact-check of your mailer's claim that proved it wrong.

"In fact the prediction is bubonic plague is going to make a comeback," Caldwell continued. "Stating health concerns regarding the squalor and vermin and deplorable conditions of homeless encampments is a statement of fact not an attack."

Bubonic plague, eh? Thank God for penicillin, amirite! This level of derangement can be directly traced back to a fear of progressive politics. This hatred and mistrust of the left generates a level of lunacy that'd almost be comical if it wasn't so contemptible.

If you're in District 3, you may have received a "pro" Adam Hill robocall, in which a woman with a corny Southern accent says, in part, "Back in the day, the Knights of the Ku Klux Klan awarded my daddy the hero's cross. I'm here to say you need to vote for county Supervisor Adam Hill. That woman running against Adam Hill is a lesbian. We can't have no sum-bitch perverts running for government. Adam Hill will put a stop to that. Adam Hill told that fancy man running for mayor not to be a homosexual. That's a fact reported by The Tribune newspaper. Adam Hill called out that local radio guy for having sex with that woman reporter that wears a mustache and giving blowjobs to another reporter for trying to pollute the truth. Adam Hill tells it straight up, just like our man in the White House. You need to check that box for Adam Hill. Paid for by the Daughters of the Heroes' Cross KKK. Vote for Adam Hill, keeping SLO straight again!"

What the what? Obviously this "pro" Hill endorsement is meant to undermine Hill, but the question is, who's actually creating and placing these calls? Hill's opponent, Stacy Korsgaden, has disavowed any knowledge of the robocall. Would anti-Hill online blog calcoastnews.com and it's mustachioed "woman reporter" Karen Velie stoop so low, or "local radio guy" Dave Congalton? Or did the robocall, in fact, come from Hill to make his opponents seem even dirtier than they are?

That'd be some Princess Bride battle of wits, iocane poison, Vizzini-level diabolical shenanigans! Gotta love politics! Socialism! Boo! Δ

The Shredder's real name is Inigo Montoya. Send ideas and comments to shredder@newtimesslo.com.

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