Artifacts 

Sites to behold: Regretsy.com

Bearing the motto, “Handmade? It looks like you made it with your feet,” regretsy.com is the evil twin of etsy.com, the site dedicated to items handmade by artists and craftspeople the world over. Regretsy simply culls through the thousands of items sold on etsy.com and calls attention to the worst of the worst.

Among the items featured on regretsy.com are a hot pink Dr. Zira Planet of the Apes Monkey Sexy Girl Pin-up Original Acrylic Painting on Canvas selling at $70. If that doesn’t tickle your fancy, try the $12 Prune Juice Crochet Hat, a purple cap woven through with paper advertisements for Sunsweet Prune Juice. Yes, it’s exactly as grotesque as it sounds.

The categories—a spin-off of the Etsy categories, which include furniture, geekery, and accessories—include “age inappropriate,” “annoying descriptions,” “copyright infringements,” “don’t ask me,” “garbage,” “pet humiliation,” and “whimsical fuckery.”

Among the items featured in the “Don’t Ask Me” category is a CD titled “Varga, River of Love.” The item’s description is as follows: “born from rock, mid-wifed by Venus, and birthed through the rhythmic canals of funk, romantic jazz and get up and dance disco.” The CD costs $12.

This is what a regretsy reviewer had to say: “If you only knew me from this site, then you don’t know about my deep and abiding love of bizarre music…I would describe Varga as a cross between a drunken David Byrne, and Lou Reed with a head injury. I predict big things for this guy, who really knows his way around a Casio…I am especially intrigued by a synthesized cat sound that comes in at the :08 mark, and appears again every seven or eight seconds.”

The decorative pillows category features body pillows shaped like pills and named after popular pharmaceuticals. There are also blue and red silkscreened giant condom pillows, which you’ll be sure to want to purchase before your family pays you a visit.

Happy post-holiday shopping!