Whale: the other, other, other white meat 

Some mornings you probably wake up and say to yourself, “Let’s go harpoon the shit out of some sea life for fun.” Actually, that probably never happens unless you’re a total sociopath.

Normal folks like you and me don’t think such terrible thoughts about our blubbery little coastal friends. They’re cute, sometimes furry, and the big ones seem more than willing to put on a great show in Port San Luis for tourists.

So why am I sitting here, thinking such violent fantasies about Nemo and friends? Well, if PG&E is given the go-ahead to perform seismic tests off the beautiful, pristine coasts of Morro Bay, we might as well go out there harpoons in hand and have a field day.

The testing, if approved, should occur sometime in November. It would involve large air guns being shot into the water to test the reliability of Diablo Canyon’s nuclear plant in the event of an earthquake.

If you’re on the fence about this project, let me just say that The National Science Foundation (who is running the project and owns the boat that will be carting the airhorns) is requesting to “Take by Harrassment,”—in other words, kill, maim, and well, harass—over 9,000 marine mammals during this project.

So let’s just say that they approve the project. That means that there could be upward of 9,000 whale, dolphin, and otter carcasses washing ashore in the coming months.

Now, my parents raised me to be resourceful, so when I hear the words “9,000 free marine mammal carcasses” I think, “Jackpot!”

And with a little help, you too can reap the benefits of this, a Modest Marine Proposal.

Eskimos have used whale meat for centuries. Now, it’s a little warmer down in these parts so you won’t have the luxury of time, but it is possible to whip up a great meal with some good ol’ fashion whale meat.

The best recipe calls for ice-cold Blue whale, but act fast because there are only supposed to be 12-15 of those washing up on the beach after testing.

If you are one of the lucky few to snag some dead Blue, make sure to cut off sections big enough to fit in an ice chest. Then you take two pounds of whale, mixed with some oil, red wine, garlic, onion, and salt and throw that all into a big bag to marinate for four hours. You can then choose to bake or pan-fry the meat. It’s up to your taste buds to decide.

If you can only manage to grab a measly little dolphin (1468-1834 lucky contestants could win this prize) don’t be downtrodden. Grilled dolphin is all the rage in some parts of the world and it basically requires the same recipe as the whale, except you can substitute in some paprika and rice vinegar.

Either way you cut it, you better get yourself down to the beach with a big truck and a good hunting knife should this project be approved. ∆

Maeva Considine has seen “The Cove” more times than she cares to admit. Send your cuisine related news to [email protected].