Tits and tats 

In the game of tit for tat, Atascadero City Manger Wade McKinney has become the tit.

McKinney was recently named by the Atascadero Chamber of Commerce as its Citizen of the Year. Yes, this is the same chamber that that named developer-in-hiding Kelly Gearhart a previous citizen of the year.

This is the same Wade McKinney who got fried in a blistering report by outgoing Mayor Mike Brennler, a former cop, for McKinney’s actions in attempting to make Atascadero Redevelopment Director Marty Tracey the fall guy in an eminent domain mess of the city’s own making. McKinney was forced, at the tip of a lawyer’s pen, to rehire Tracey, but it wasn’t until Brennler’s report that it was fully revealed how clumsily McKinney handled the whole thing.

This is the same Wade McKinney who somehow failed to notice that the converted bowling alley that is the city’s current City Hall was occupied without the proper permits—permits they require of all other organizations.

Are his friends at the Chamber really doing him any favors by naming him citizen of the year? It seems more a testy response to Brennler’s embarrassing investigation than an earned reward.

But this is undoubtedly a Chamber of Commerce on a streak. They’ve chased the city’s best public servant out and have nearly succeeded in approving the new Wal-Mart, which will do a nice job of killing off many of the already struggling local businesses. You’re really doing a heck of a job there, chamber members, keep it up!

Littering the earth

Speaking of tits. Here’s an open letter to the woman who just delivered octuplets: You get a gold star for ruining the planet—a gold star to be worn right on your sagging, worn-out womb. What a trailblazer you are, finding new paths to global population problems. Now, some yuppie over-educated couple that has been waiting for the “right time” to have a baby is probably going to decide that they just can’t bring another life into this world. You’ve used up their share. In fact, you’ve used up Fresno’s share.

Now, I’m not saying old Shred belongs to this group, unless DUI classes count
as higher education, but if I could convince someone to procreate with me, I’d now have to follow it up with at least seven more abortions, just to even things out.

Eight! That’s eight squirming, micro offspring, each gasping for precious breath from an oxygen tank, that’s 80 tiny fingers grasping for  two pendulous, swollen breasts. And did you hear that she intends to breast feed them all? How? You might rightly wonder. Well, since she’s already pushed medical science past the edge, why not push on, have six more nipples installed, so the little mammals don’t have to fight each other as they wriggle to a teat?

Why not pump her full of recumbent bovine growth hormone, like a dairy cow? Somebody had better call Monsanto, or whoever is making a human version of a 24-hour convenience station.

I know we should all be happy for the family, rushing over to offer them disposable diapers that would clog landfills, and paper towels to clean up those little messes—which I hear are cuter times eight—and offering the family a TV show. I can’t do any of those things, but I can at least offer a regular column in New Times.  We could call it “My litter darlings.”

The Sheriff

Do I really need to pile on to Sheriff Pat Hedges’ misery? Don’t answer that. In case you don’t read the news, know that Pat Hedges’ wife called the Sheriff’s office the other day over a dispute involving the Sheriff himself. No arrests we made, no public reports were filed.  His department won’t release the 911 recording. But it doesn’t really matter. The stuff we’ll fill in with our imaginations will be better than whatever they could reveal.

Crap poetry needed
   Shred is still looking for more entries to the Crap Poetry Awards. I’ve gotten a number of truly crappy poems, but you still have a chance to enter yours. Tip: You stand a good chance of winning if you simply enter a poem that ran in the Tribune’s poetry month publications in the last few years. Stumped? Try to rhyme the word umbrella. This is the last week to enter. The prize this month is an entire housing development in Santa Maria called “Aspirations of Salinas.” I need them by Feb. 2.

Fan mail

How come all my fans feel the need to apologize first? Several people wrote to tell me how great I was for suggesting that we feel free to criticize President Obama—that it will be good for him. But they all started out their praise with statements like: “Usually you’re an idiot, but …” and “Please don’t print my name because all my friends despise you, but ...” Look, save your praise. Just be sure and nominate me as the next Atascadero Chamber Citizen of the Year. I think I’d fit right in. ∆

Shredder can be reached at [email protected].