Nice rack 

Do you think we’re alternative? Honestly, tell us what you think. Don’t hold back. New Times was recently referred to as a “certain alternative weekly,� in a tone that I assume was intended to be less-than-flattering. Are we proud to be known as a “certain alternative weekly�? Certainly. The alternative to alternative is ho-hum everyday boring, more of the same, close your eyes to anything that makes you think about more than your safe little world.

I only mention this because, despite my best efforts to the contrary, SLO darling Silas Lyons captured my eye once again when he accused a “certain alternative weekly� of smut peddling or something, saying that last week’s cover about Diamond Adult World could damage the delicate sensibilities of local children, particularly since New Times newspapers are typically displayed at eye-level for most 5-year-olds. I’d like to point out that that height is also roughly crotch level for most adults, and that no 5-year-old is going to stand and stare at one of our news racks any more than the next passerby is going to start humping one — a New Times rack, that is.

If anyone’s worried about what passing 5-year-olds may see on our cover, I’d suggest they put their magnifying glasses away and start coming to grips with their own insecurities.

No offense to Steve Diamond, either, but he’s not the sexiest kid on the block, especially when you consider that some New Times racks share SLO sidewalks with boxes full of hot sheets brazenly displaying pictures of women who may very well be the sexiest kids on the block. If anyone was panting in front of one of our newsstands, it was probably because he didn’t understand that you can have the word “sex� on the outside of something and not necessarily have porn on the inside, or he’s nearsighted and mistook Steve for Miss Bambi Bustier.

Silas also talked about Grover Beach mothers who are worried that some “pervert� leaving the Diamond Adult World store nearest them might inadvertently pull back the “shower curtain� and give an impressionable youngster a glimpse of the forbidden sexual delights lurking inside. Look, a kid’s not going to know the difference between a vibrator and a paintbrush unless someone makes a big deal about it, so what’s the worry? Are local moms going to whine about Law’s Hobby Shop’s window display, too?

Come to think of it, why not get mad at all the other downtown businesses that put art for adults in their windows? Fanny Wrappers flaunts just about everything it’s got, and the Victoria’s Secret model’s boobs sometimes threaten to break the shop-window glass, sending it shattering down on the hapless 5-year-olds who crowd the Higuera storefront every day, salivating against the window and making rude gestures at passersby. No mothers are complaining about perverts pulling back shower curtains at those shops. Or maybe they are, I don’t know. I don’t often leave my safe little world.

Speaking of mothers and pulling back shower curtains, have you seen the movie “Psycho� lately? That one freaks me out every time. And speaking of freaking me out every time, have you seen what’s going on with local Community Services Districts lately?

To me, the letters C, S, and D spell trouble in a way that can only mean Los Osos, but once again I’m wrong, because this time they spell trouble for Cambria. Specifically, they spell trouble for Ralph Covell, whose pine-forested property may soon get a little smaller if the Los Osos CSD has its way. I mean, if the Cambria CSD has its way. These districts all look the same to me.

The problem with Cambria is that it’s got a water shortage, maybe from too many 5-year-olds taking cold showers after passing by Diamond Adult World in Atascadero. The services district wants to fight potential fires with water to be stored on Ralph’s property. The California Department of Forestry’s involved, too, as is the California Coastal Commission, making this a battle of needs and wants between the CCSD, CDF, and CCC, and, oh yeah, some of those pine trees are extremely rare, so they should be protected, too.

If those trees, or any combustible vegetation, were to ever go up in flames in the Cambrian hills, two more tanks on Ralph’s property wouldn’t save the day. The firefighters would bring in tankers and helicopters to use water from wherever it is they get their water from to douse the flames, leaving the ground soaked and Ralph high and dry. By the way, how much money would new meters installed because of the two new tanks generate for Cambria? I’m sorry, was that out loud?

The services district doesn’t think Cambria residents should worry about the alphabet soup setting a dangerous precedent about taking land whether they’re allowed to or not, because their legal representation, Art Montandon, isn’t worried. Maybe that’s because Art weathered quite a scandal himself when he was the attorney for Santa Maria, which, concerned moms should know, has a Diamond Adult World of its own, as well as a Spearmint Rhino. But that’s another story for another alternative paper.