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Ever notice some people crave drama? Psychologists suggest the need may be a desired distraction from one's own life, a familiar and hence weirdly comforting feeling, or an addictive release of anger chemicals such as adrenaline and cortisol.

It's also perhaps the car accident/train wreck looky-loo macabre entertainment factor. I mean, that's why you're reading this, right? "Let's see what stupid shit people are up to this week! Ha ha!"

Well, you've come to the right place, drama kings, queens, trans, questioning, and curious because SLO County never disappoints! Let's direct our attention to the Oceano Community Services District (OCSD), the five-member governing body that provides Oceano and Halcyon with fire protection, sewer and water services, and street lighting. Easy, right?

Yet, somehow, they can't seem to stop bickering like tweens fighting over a TV remote control. The kerfuffle du jour is about who's allowed to place items on the board's agenda, which has traditionally been by consensus of at least three of the five members or the board president. The board recently voted in a bylaw change stating any two members can agendize an issue.

"The reason we have five of you is for you to build a consensus, not to have one or two members put whatever on the agenda," OCSD District Counsel Chase Martin explained as if he were speaking to arguing tweenagers. "Instead of balkanizing the board, you actually act as a body."

Oh, "balkanizing!" That's a big word to use on 12-year-olds! The idea, children, is you need to work together and democratically decide what issues must be raised and solved, not allow minority rule by fiat.

OCSD Directors Linda Austin and Shirley Gibson (the current vice president) noted that allowing any and everything onto the agenda will waste resources and result in longer meetings. That didn't stop good ol' OCSD Director Charles Varni from claiming the change is necessary because it combats special privileges held by the OCSD president, who's allowed to agendize issues.

"I don't know why the president should have any more power than any of the other directors, especially when it's considered a service position," Varni complained to New Times. I wonder if he'd change his mind if he were president? "Give me that remote!"

Speaking of bickering, are you on Nextdoor, the supposed kinder, gentler social media app for neighbors helping neighbors? You are? Then you know it's just as chock-full of vitriol, rancor, and judgment as every other social media app. You might also know it's been accused of fostering racial profiling and trafficking in conspiracy theories and misinformation. Howdy, neighbor!

Two much-debated local issues are the pug-eating mountain lion ("How dare you walk your little dog at dawn! Do you want it eaten!") and the botched police investigation into the apparent hit-and-run deaths of Matthew Chachere, Jennifer Besser, and their dog.

"Botched" seems fair. After all, when the police responded to the Nov. 21 crash by Daniel Angel Saligan Patricio, 24—who totaled his Tesla after striking a curb, street sign, and bridge in the 3400 block of Sacramento Drive in SLO—they didn't notice the dead bodies in the creek below the bridge. Oops!

They took a collision report, towed the car, and decided drugs and alcohol weren't factors, though excessive speed probably was. Good police work?

In a letter to SLO Police Chief Rick Scott on Dec. 16, Chachere's parents asked, "Why was there no breath or blood analysis conducted by the officers? It is inconceivable."

Were there no breath or blood tests? Who knows? The po-po ain't talking. It's three months later and no charges? Huh?

Daniel Jackson of Santa Rosa Park pondered, "Why do I have the sinking feeling the driver of the Tesla is going to be the next Paul Flores, where we're sitting here for 25 years waiting for him to be brought to justice?"

Ouch! Technically speaking, in the tragic Kristin Smart murder by Flores, recently convicted for the 1996 slaying, the SLOPD was only second in the long line of inept law enforcement agencies that fumbled that investigation after the Cal Poly Police Department and before the SLO County Sheriff's Office ... and then the FBI, too, I guess. Spread the blame. This is not Law and Order.

Look, the SLOPD clearly blew it at the crash scene. The bodies weren't found for 28 hours—after a citizen reported seeing a dead dog in the creek. People—even the perpetually upset ones on Nextdoor—have a reason to be frustrated.

"This case is extremely important to us, which is why we are being diligent in our investigation and ensuring that we are conducting the most thorough investigation possible to achieve justice for the victims and their respective families," SLOPD Capt. Brian Amoroso told New Times. "A thorough investigation of this magnitude takes significant time, and the quality of this work is paramount to a successful prosecution."

Let's hope it's "quality." Faith in local law enforcement isn't exactly at an all-time high. Amoroso revealed one interesting detail: "The driver did not move the victims after the collision."

So, if Patricio is the culprit, he didn't conceal the crime and apparently wasn't drunk or high. Does that mean he was sober and didn't realize he struck two pedestrians and a dog? Hard to believe. Δ

The Shredder brakes for dogs. Send your drama to [email protected].