Daytime drama 

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Compromise is boring.

There's nothing dramatic about it, and it's hard to shred.

But contrary to what Progressive Democrats (ahem, San Luis Obispo County Democratic Party) and Tea Party Republicans (umm, the Republican Party of San Luis Obispo County) will have you believe, it's a necessity to good governance—which is also totally boh-rihng.

I mean, what am I supposed to watch on daytime SLO-Span if the SLO County Board of Supervisors isn't a total yell-fest? What kind of Tuesday Booze-day is that? I mean, I can't exactly excuse cracking open a bottle of Jack Daniels at 9 a.m. every other Tuesday if 1st District Supervisor John Peschong and 3rd District Supervisor Adam Hill are hugging it out before a live audience of gadflies.

Compromise, my friends, is what happens when your fellow elected officials on the governing body you serve on don't penalize you for being a jackass at previous meetings. Something 2nd District Supervisor Bruce "I live in Cayucos and Can Sometimes be Condescending" Gibson should be glad-handing his more conservative colleagues for after the unanimous (yes, unanimous!) decision the board made on March 13 for the county to take over the Cayucos Fire Department, if it decides to dissolve.

"We understand that the Cayucos Fire Department wants to dissolve and should dissolve," Gibson said at the meeting. "It is our obligation on a number of different levels because we are aware that Cayucos Fire Department is going to dissolve."

Ooh, Brucy, baby, you better be careful with those words. I'm not so sure some of the residents of Cayucos—and even certain fire department board members—are in the loop on this.

Let me inform them really quickly before you start getting the flak we've been getting from them for two years now: The fire department needed more money to safely serve the community. Residents overwhelmingly said no to a tax measure. The board voted to dissolve the department and ask the county to take over. It's being negotiated now.

Why in the name of a burning house full of flames does some snippity member of the Cayucos community get uppity with New Times every time we write about it and demand a retraction about whether the department is actually going to dissolve? You're all in denial. Don't be annoying.

Gibson came together with 4th District Supervisor Lynn "I Throw Up Words So Fast You Can't Keep Up" Compton, 5th District Debbie "We Should Always Do It My Way" Arnold, and 1st District John "I Don't Speak Much But When I Do, Listen" Peschong to actually put together a plan that takes care of the present and possibly the future of fire issues in this county. Arnold mustered up enough gumption to support Gibson's Cayucos needs even after he berated her in a jaw-dropping display of partisanship during Feb. 22's episode of must-see daytime TV. Up for discussion: A contract with SLO County Sheriff's Office deputies for a raise. Initially a closed session discussion where all five supervisors present, two seats were empty at this fateful February meeting. While the majority voted to approve the contract in closed session, Arnold had voted against it. And now there were only three supervisors.

With Compton and Hill MIA, Peschong and Arnold wanted to push the vote to a future meeting so Little Miss Debbie could have her cake and carry out the will of the board, too. Gibson, always outnumbered, wasn't having it

"You're in a very interesting position today with only three," he said repeatedly. "If you don't believe in this, why wouldn't you cast a 'no' vote today to deny the approval of this?"

"You're messing with me," Arnold said at one point, as I spit out my Jack Daniels in a fit of laughter. He was totally messing with her and obviously enjoying his moment. Straight out of the Maury Pauvich Show playbook, I wasn't sure who to be embarrassed for.

Are those embarrassing days over? Will Hill maintain his cool? Or will Compton finally throw a pen at him? Tune in on March 22 at 9 a.m. for the next episode!

There is at least one thing I'm proud of, though. Students who thought of a world greater than themselves when they walked out of classrooms on March 14 in a show of solidarity with the victims of the Feb. 14 school shooting in Parkland, Florida. They simply ask that no more students get killed on campus by active shooters.

To which some assholes responded by threatening to shoot up both Ernest Righetti High School in Santa Maria and Atascadero High School during the walkout. Real clever. The schools were put on lockdown for a short period, illustrating with tragic irony the reasons why students were compelled to take a stand in the first place. And some badass, ballsy high school students gave those threats the middle finger and walked out of their classrooms anyway.

So much for squelching the First Amendment with threats of violence.

Maybe if the SLO County Board of Dysfunction can sometimes function, the federal government can find its way out of the perpetual gun control paper bag it's been stuck inside for 20 years.

Maybe the fresh air will come from all the newly minted 18-year-olds who will be casting their votes in the 2020 election. My money's on them. Δ

The Shredder has functioned dysfunctionally for decades. Send comment to [email protected].