Love it or lose it! 

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• PHOTO COURTESY OF NASA
• SPACESHIP EARTH! : If you ruin Earth, where are you going to live? Yeah, think about it!

Dear Planet Earth, sorry for treating you like a giant trashcan. It’s just that, you know, we’re real busy living our lives, driving around in our toxin-spewing cars, watching our big-screen TVs, updating our moment-by-moment statuses on Facebook, eating delicious and unsustainable foods, screaming bloody murder about not being able to buy incandescent bulbs, and throwing out AA batteries because surely a couple little batteries aren’t going to ruin the Earth and we don’t have time to have them recycled. Be reasonable, Earth! Sheesh!

Anyway, Oklahoma Senator Jim Inhofe swears that global warming is the “greatest hoax ever perpetrated on the American people,” and if you can’t believe a politician, well, that’s just a world I don’t want to live in! I mean, come on, how can seven billion little people actually have a real effect on something so big, right? I mean, maybe by 2050—when the U.N. predicts world population will be as high as 10.6 billion—maybe then human activity will have some miniscule effect on Earth, but surely we’re just in a natural warming cycle right now. It’s better than an ice age, right? Plus, I bet some of those Midwesterners would have loved a little more global warming this past winter. It’s all relative, see?

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• PHOTO BY STEVE E. MILLER
• THEY’RE MAKING YOU OXYGEN! : Be nice to trees. Hug one. Go on, you know you want to!

I mean, come on, Earth, you don’t really expect us to give up our creature comforts, do you? We need our plastic grocery bags, our disposable pens and lighters, our plastic car bumpers, water bottles, clothes hangers, remote controllers, hoses, fridge drawers, light switches, and this keyboard I’m typing on. Yes, I know all about the Great Pacific Garbage Patch, how it’s a floating debris field twice the size of Texas comprised of un-biodegradable plastic. And yes, I know this stuff gets into the food chain, which means we all end up consuming little bits of plastic grocery bags, water bottles, used condoms, and plastic poker chips. It sucks, Earth, but we need our Fiji water from the artesian aquifer in the Yaqara Valley of Viti Levu! We need it bad!

Frankly, Earth, I’d think you’d be proud of us, how innovative we are with our fancy chemicals to grow food and kill pests, which—yes—get into our water table, but we gotta eat, Earth. And what about our innovative mining techniques, or the fact we can drill for oil a freaking mile under the ocean? We’re bitchin’! We rule! Woo hoo!

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• PHOTO COURTESY ZONGO ALL STARS
• ECO TUNES!: Zongo All Stars will bust out some eco- and ear-friendly tunes when they perform at the 21st Annual Earth Day, “Growing the Village,” on April 21 at the Botanical Garden at El Chorro Regional Park
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• GROW THE VILLAGE!: On Saturday, April 23, the Earth Day Alliance presents its 21st Annual Earth Day Celebration from 10 a.m. to 5 p.m. in the Botanical Garden at El Chorro Regional Park
, off Highway 1 at Dairy Creek Road
, right across the highway from Cuesta College. More than 100 exhibitors will “share what they’ve learned and are doing to protect the planet,” according to organizers. There’ll also be delicious food and music by Zongo All Stars. Learn more at earthdayalliance.com. The event is free, and bus rides from SLO’s transit center leave every hour and are also free.

And let’s remember, Earth old pal, it’s not like we totally ignore you. I mean, we’re giving you a day and all. Earth Day! We’re taking time out of our busy lives (well, some of us), and we’ll think about you, maybe pay you a little lip service, maybe feel a tad guilty as we crumple up our plastic 32 ounce Big Gulp soda cup and toss it near a trash can. We missed. Sorry, but we’re in too big of a rush to go back.

Of course, I guess we could all head to the Botanical Garden at El Chorro Regional Park on Saturday, April 23, between 10 a.m. and 5 p.m., where more than 100 exhibitors will offer solutions to help repair our planet—solutions we can use 365 days of the year. I mean, it is free to attend, and we can even get a free bus ride there from the SLO Transit Center. It might not be a bad way to spend the day, since they’ll have food out there, and Zongo All Stars will be playing music. Hmm, but I don’t know. Saturday’s my day off, Earth, and there’s only 52 Saturdays a year. ∆

Glen Starkey takes a beating and keeps on bleating. Keep up with him via twitter at twitter.com/glenstarkey, friend him at Myspace.com/glenstarkey, or contact him at [email protected].