New Times - San Luis Obispo - The Shredder

the shredder
Happy days are here!

I’ve just discovered how all our problems can be solved. Actually, the county should get the credit, so they’re the ones who deserve my thanks. And since they’ve shown me how everything can be fixed forever, this of course means we now know the solution to all your problems, too.

Which is why I think it would be more than appropriate at this time for all of us to stop what we’re doing and take a moment from our busy, stress-filled day and join together in extending a great big wet thank you to the county—together, in harmony, and right now.

Don’t be shy. Whoever’s sitting next to you, just take their clammy hand, raise your voices to the sky, and shout, “Thank you, San Luis Obispo County! No one will EVER be hungry again, no employees will EVER be underpaid, and no environmental degradation will EVER befoul our lands! BECAUSE EVERYTHING IS JUST PEACHY!”

Now that we don’t have to worry about anything anymore, I’ll let in you in on how this all came about.

I just received a press release from the SLO County Department of Public Health (which won’t need to exist anymore because pretty soon we’ll all be so healthy we’ll live until we decide it’s time to die). The press release concerned the county’s annual survey of “local businesses and worksites to determine the compliance level with the state’s smoking in the workplace law.”

According to the survey’s results, a whopping 97 percent of businesses are in compliance with the law. Wow. I don’t think there’s ever been a law in the history of America that’s had that many people obeying it. That’s truly wonderful. Gives me back my faith in humanity and stuff.

I’m sure if the county says so, it must be true, since they’ve got all those big buildings and bureaucrats and all that money to spend figuring everything out and press releases to prove it.

The county’s Health Department marshaled all these forces to determine whether environmental tobacco smoke was on the decrease in local restaurants, bars, retail stores, office buildings, warehouses, and anywhere else someone might be trying to sneak an illegal smoke indoors in defiance of the law. Ninety-seven percent compliance. Amazing.

And how did the county determine this? Why, they called all these places and ASKED, that’s how. They conducted a phone survey of local businesses and said, “So. You guys complying with the law over there, or what?” And 97 percent said, “You bet we are! After all, it’s the law, right?” So now we know that there’s only a smidgenly 3 percent of foolishly honest miscreants to ferret out until the county’s totally smoke free and we’re all breathing easy.

I figure all the county needs to do to solve all our other problems is to simply use the same approach and conduct some more random, scientific phone surveys. Like, you know, they could call and ask employers whether they’re paying everyone a good wage and if all their workers are happy with their hours and workload and things like that.

Then they could call up Unocal and ask if they’re being good and not polluting any places that might need to be dug up and hauled away and burned, followed by a few quick calls to PG&E’s corporate honchos to inquire whether they’ve dumped anything in the water lately that might be worth making a movie about.

They could do lots more. They could conduct a survey of politicians to find out if they’ve taken any bribes during the past year, then call SLO County parents to ask if they think their kids are stupid and ugly, and then do a special random survey of newspaper columnists asking if they think they should be awarded the Nobel Prize for exemplary writing and brilliant thinking. (My phone number is 546-8208. I always like helping out the government whenever I can.)

Then after they’ve done all that, maybe they could conduct a survey of SLO County’s upper management to ask if they think they’re being paid too much and whether they’re taking too many coffee breaks and goofing off at taxpayers’ expense. I wonder what the results of that survey would be.

Then all they’d need to do to make everything totally terrific is send out some more press releases informing us that according to their surveys, we’re all making lots of money for doing squat and that all our kids are geniuses and our newspapers filled with budding Shakespeares and that it’s time to give the county supervisors their Ghandi robes, and that there’s no need for any more Earth Day events because the environment is so clean that it’s actually going to need a little pollution here and there just so it won’t feel odd to us when we go hiking.

I must add that it’s been a great honor bringing you this news. Let’s all celebrate by taking the day off to burn down the county government center. We won’t be needing it anymore. ³

(This column originally appeared on June 3, 2001. We republish it here for your enjoyment because our jerk columnist didn’t hand his column in this week.)